A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I am aware this doesnt really have anything to do with love but I really really need advice here or input of some sort so if you could all please read and help me id be soo grateful.So here it goes...I have an awful relationship with my mother, she is incredibly verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive too but Ive never had enough money to leave so Ive always stayed at home and dealt with it. My dad works away most of the year and doesnt understand why we dont get along because he only knows what my mum tells him and when he comes home thinks Ive changed, which I never do. Since I was a little girl I always said I was gonna move away...Ive never seen here as home and since the age of 4 said Im going to live in Canada which as I got older I changed to Canada, USA or Australia.Well things got much worse between me and my mum at the beginning of the year and she wished I was never born and that id die and im useless and no-one will love me and she took a knife to my throat at one point and when my bf actually dumped me (depression because it was a LDR and he missed me) she said it was about time he did and that he had saw sense because theres no way anyone would wanna be with me and much more. I finally tried opening up to my dad when he came home and it was such a fail...he didnt believe a word I said. That was when I decided its time to get out.I applied for a visa to canada which enables me to be in canada for one year then i can extend it to two....I got it =)My problem now is that when it came to jobs i never had much luck before but now....im working two jobs and one ive been doing part-time for the past 3/4 years and the other is in a fish factory (very big one) and ive been there 12 weeks and already been in 3 different departments. well i applied for a job within the factory which i ended up gettin a job but not the one i applied for. a different, more demanding, hard, skills/memory testing, office one that will be absolutely great experience and look good on a CV and my pay will increase (not much but a little bit maybe 20p per hour or sumthin) well im definately staying until xmas because thats when we are busiest and id feel so guilty leaving when im needed the most.i told my mum about this job and that was when she finally said she didnt want me to leave. whenever ive talked to people about the fact im leaving she ignores it or walks away and today she actually told me that she hopes i meet a guy here who will convince me to stay or when i mentioned the job she was like this is great it can open so many doors and you can work ur way up the ladder and come out so much better off.when i first went into the factory she was the first one to call me stupid and say told ya so for not sticking in at university because it wasnt what i wanted but now shes all yes stay there its great.i dont understand what she wants from me, we most definately cant live together and she knows that and i cant help but think ok clearly she cares a little but i think shes more worried about what people will think about me leaving and some will clue in she is part of the reason for me leaving to get away from her. to get some independance, to have my own privacy, do what i want when i want where i want and not have her know and critise my every move.however thanks to her im a little confused.Im dying to move....i really really dont feel like this is home here. and im willing to travel around for the next few years in my search for 'home'however shes right on the fact that this is a good opportunity for me workwise which is why im taking it however....i will be there doing this job for 4 months minimum but should i stay here and stick it out?? i mean what happens if i leave and end up doing crap jobs for years, but thats a risk u have to take right? i mean i started off in this one scraping fish and then packing it etc. maybe i need to be in the right places at the right time, but what if i alreay am?ok i dont know....i need help and suggestions....what do you think i should do?? should i stay in this hell hole and with family i hate (not friends but i hate my family) because of this job or what?? help! and thanks for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): Get out of there!I had an awful experience with my mother growing up, physically, emotionally, and sexually. So I can appreciate how hard this is for you, and also the extent to which you are being emotionally manipulated. Your mother sounds ill - but you may not realize that yet (it was not until I was in my mid 20s that I realized mine was seriously mentally ill). You cannot help her. For people to get help, they need to put aside the arrogance and the self-righteousness and admit their behaviour isn't right. I suspect your mother will never do this, even if confronted directly about the need to do so. What is more, if you stay, you will get sucked in to a world of awfulness, which will gradually eat away at your sense of self-worth. (This is what happened to my sister, who is now so lacking in self-confidence that she CAN'T leave home). You really must grab this opportunity you have to travel, and see the world, and get some perspective on the horrible experience you've had. Also, in relation to the future - the world is your oyster. When you're young, it's well worth travelling and seeing the world a little, even if that means working 'bad' jobs for a few years to give you the freedom to travel. Don't let people make you anxious about being a 'success' - focus instead on learning about the world and enjoying yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you to get 'decent' jobs (which are often boring!) and settle down. Loads of people go to college in their mid late 20s or even older these days. Don't rush to be 35 when you're in your late teens - there's plenty of time for that!Go. Spread your wings. Get over what's happened to you. Learn about other countries and cultures. Have fun. The other stuff will fall into place.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I think that you are having trouble making these decisions about your future for the simple reason that your mother has never helped you to go through healthy decision making processes and instead undermined you. My heart goes out to you in regard to how she is treating you - I suffered psychological abuse from my mother pretty much all of my life. I moved 300 miles away from her and, although she never "forgave" me for it, it was the only way that I could create a life for myself. She would have loved nothing more than for me to stay in a menial job, in the small town where we lived, and to basically be there for her to abuse. I flunked my A levels first time around due to extreme depression (which I told no one about), but I kept trying and went back to night school and worked and worked over the years - jobs and education. In all of that time my mother never stopped abusing me from a distance and did absolutely everything she could to undermine me. But at least it was at a distance and I found other people to love me and to give support as friends. You managed to get the job that you have whilst being undermined by her, the one person that is supposed to love you unconditionally. Just think what you can do when you are not so immediately exposed to her bad treatment. As soon as you get away from this person you can really begin to build your own life, taking it small step by small step. The freedom that you will experience will give you so much hope and energy. She needs you to stay because she needs someone to abuse. Trust your instincts and go - you will get another job and more opportunities will come up and you can learn to face any difficulties sensibly and overcome them. You can also do part-time education or distance learning to improve your prospects if you want to and get good friends around you. You will inevitably make mistakes, we all do, but you are young and this is very much in your favour. Get out now before you start really mistrusting your own instincts - once that instinct has gone, you will be lost, if you nurture it, it will grow.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (16 September 2011):
I appreciate that you are very keen to move out of your mother's house and start enjoying your life, and that is understandable. It strike me, however, that you need to look at this situation in a very pragmatic light, and think about how you can make things work best for you.
In this sense, this is what I would do:
If you can bear it, stay at home for the next few months, work in this new job, and save all the money you possibly can. Take advantage of the fact that living with your mother is cheap, and there is a lot to be said for that. If you spend most of your time out at work, and then try and do things with friends etc, in the evening, maybe you can minimise the time you spend with her. 4 months will go by quickly, and the benefits are that 1) you will be able to save some money for your next move and 2) it will be good on your CV, will give you good experience and also probably good references for when you move on.
Do you think there is a possibility they will offer you a permanent job at the end of the 4 months? If so, this could be a great opportunity. Not only will you have a stable income but more importantly, this will enable you to move out of your mum's house and get your own place. Then you can take things from there.
While you are working at the factory I would try emailing or contacting places in Canada if you are keen to go there, and try and organise a job for when you get out there. Explain that you've got a permit (assuming it allows you to work, that is) and that you will be looking for work, and, IMPORTANTLY, that you have x, y, and z experience from your current job. Experience is what people want.
Even if you don't get a permanent job at the end, I think it's well worth sticking at this job for 4 months. Even if you leave at the end, it will have been really useful to you for a number of reasons to have stuck it out.
Good luck! You are young and have plenty of time to do all the things you want to, so don't rush into something now to the detriment of something which could end up being a good opportunity.
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Move!
You are a very sweet girl, and obviously very forgiving of your mother's behavior. With that having been said, if you do not move out of her place, she will continue to chip away at your self-esteem until you have none left!
I have been in your shoes, and even though choosing to leave is hard within the moment, it is something that you will never regret. If this place has never felt like home to you, that means that home is OUT THERE, somewhere. You can find it, I believe that!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Your first and only objective must be to do what is right for you. It sounds like you have an opportunity to do better -- if you are sure that some limited amount of time will advance you significantly, then by all means do so. The better your credentails, the better you will be viewed by immigration authorities in either Canada or Australia.
Clearly your end game has to be to get away from your mother. We all expect that our family will be some wonderful, supporting thing, but it doesn't always work out that way. What you've described doesn't sound like something that can work out. At the same time, if tolerating the situation for a few months more can get you on to a springboard to a much better life ...
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Do you have to live with your mother? Can't you keep the job for a while longer, but move out and rent elsewhere? Or board with another family; which would be cheaper for you. You could save money for when you do leave for Canada, or where ever. You will need a job where you move to, but you will need immediately for when you first move, so you'll need to have some savings.You've got time on your side, so think very hard before giving up this job. Definitely move out from your mother's. You don't need that anymore. But, if you can keep the job for now, it'll be good for the money, plus your resume for future jobs. Good luck.
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