A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My mother-in-law confided in me that she was having an affair. I kept the terrible secret for a long time but finally broke down and told my husband about it. He told his mother that he thought she was betraying his father and he was disappointed in her. Now she is angry with me for telling him. I didn't ever want to be told such a horrible secret in the first place. I know I did the wrong thing. How do I make her realise that what she is still doing is far worse than what I did?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): I posted the question and just want to comment on the replies I received. Thank you so much all of you. You made me feel so much better. I was feeling so guilty about telling my husband. He has been fantastic, telling his mum that he didn't appreciate her putting such a big burden on me. But that made her even angrier with me. It made so much difference to hear you all say that she is in the wrong. in particular thanks to Midge for saying that my mother-in-law will probably not see it any other way, but I need to stop beating myself up about it. That's exactly what I have been doing - sharing in her guilt. Now each time I think about the situation - I think "stop beating yourself up". I definitely feel much better. Thanks to you 4 agony aunts on the other side of the world!
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (27 August 2007):
 Sorry, but she was in the wrong for telling you!
You are married to her son and as his wife have to be honest and tell him everything. That is what marriage is about!
Okay, she confided in you, and told you not to tell, but how can someone expect someone to keep such a secret locked up when you are married to her son?
Perhaps you shouldnt have told him, but she did worse by telling you something that she knew you would have to divulge to your husband.
I am sorry if some people dont agree with me, but she was dead wrong telling you!
She needs to come to terms with what she has done herself. You or anyone else telling her that she should did wrong will not make her see. She needs to work it out for herself, but whatever you do, dont beat yourself up over it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): I would have told my husband alot sooner! why does she think your going to keep the secret from her son? she's in the wrong, not you. Don't be ashamed, hold your head hight
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A
female
reader, raychell +, writes (27 August 2007):
 I agree with skye here by the fact thee shee muust trust you very much to tell you a secret that huge. But then again I dont think that it was really fair. Do you think she could have told you thhis as a plot in which she new full well tat you woulld eventually tell your husband. Espically if she nose that you dont keep secrets from each other. Personally I think that you did the right thing. I dont think that anyonee who cheeats should get away with it and that sounds like what she is doing. But if it is still onl you and your husband that nose then I would just try and bare with her hating you, at least you didnt keep it from your husband. Mail me if you want to talk.
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A
female
reader, skye +, writes (27 August 2007):
 Im very sorry you have found yourself in this this terrible and unfair position. Im sure you felt very alone in keeping her secret from your husband.
Your mother-in-law obviously trusted you very much for her to have told you such a secret. She now feels betrayed as you have told her son and is most likely scared that her husband will find out and it could signal the end of her marriage. Your mother-in-law took this risk when she started her affair and again when she told you of it.
She is upset because her son knows her secret. She is afraid that he will inform his father and he will request a divorce. Judgeing from your age group, I would say that she is a lady in early retirement and most likely terrified of starting a new life alone at her age.
Her lover may be married also, and his life could be thrown into turmoil by this revelation. She may not have him for much longer if this secret was further revealed.
I understand that you where put in a terrible position and did your best to handle it. If she never had the affair there would be no secret to tell. So I would remind your mother-in-law of that fact.
Tell her that you are upset over this. Remind her that it was her choice to begin an affair just as it was her choice to tell you about it and that if she was not happy in her marriage that she should have spoken with her husband and tried to work out any problems they where having, or even chose to seperate from her husband for a while rather than embark on an affair. She could have always come to you for advice on any issues she may have been having within her marriage and you would have tried your best to help out. Let her know that she did have other choices.
Talk to her and tell her these things. Also let her know that you believe what she is doing is wrong and ask her how she thinks her husband would feel or how she would feel if it was you having an affair with another man behind her sons back? Encourage her to end it or to tell her husband. By telling you about this affair you feel you are part of her cheating.
Tell her that no matter what happens you and her son will always be there for her but that you do not want to be part of this situation any longer.
Good luck,
Skye
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