A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help getting along with my mother in law. We been married for 5 years with 3 kids and till to this day my MIL ignored our children. When she calls she always asked about her son and maybe her grandkids later.....she always checked when we drive somewhere if he maded there ok (excluding me and the kids) How can I make her care for her grandkids the same way? My mother showered our chilldren with love and now my husband can see the difference between my mother and his. He was the one that told me he wished his mom was close to the kids like my mother and that broke my heart. My MIL once told me that it's hard to let go of your child and when the time comes to let go.....your not ready, I dont know if this is her way telling me she was not ready for me and her grandkids to be part of her life. She bullied me in the past I think she was trying to control me through fear, but it didn't worked cause it maked me lose any kind of respect I used to have for her. My husband is ignoring her now just because he's tired of her behavior, he tried to talked with her about it but she was too stubborn and emotional and now she blame her clingy behavior to menopause. She is not alone and she's only 54 still live with her husband and her daughter and kids are not too far from them. Things gotten bad now that the only place we visited is my parents house just because they adore our kids, now she tired to call me (my husband ignored her)to ask my husband to come help her with something which just makes me angry I was hoping she would ask for him and kids to come visit. I told my parents about his and my mom told me she sounds just like her mother in law and there is nothing is going to changed her behavior b-cause she sees nothing wrong with what she's doing. I hope my MIL knows that her own beloved baby boy told me he don't want anything to do with her anymore if her behavior don't change.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 January 2015):
 If your husband IGNORES her calls I would be inclined to do the same, but... that would be rolling in the gutter WITH her instead of taking the high road.
There really is only one option with people like her, "kill" her with kindness.
I would look at it differently then yo u are now, instead of thinking you want her to CARE more, BE glad she isn't, the woman isn't a good influence on your kids. YOUR parents do much better. SHE just doesn't DESERVE to be part of their lives if THIS is her attitude.
So when she DOES call MAKE the conversation short and sweet, if she WANTS to talk to your husband (her son) I would suggest she just calls his number. IF he then choose to ignore her call, THAT is on him.
She likes playing games, she knows full well how this upsets you - SO... STOP playing her games!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): The unfortunate thing about love is, it has to come freely and naturally. There is no way to force someone to feel love, if they don't.
Your mother-in-law purposely calls knowing you are likely to answer. She passive-aggressively shows her indifference. She wants to make an emotional impact on YOU in particular. She indirectly implies resentment for your intrusion into her relationship with her son. She doesn't approve.
You aren't the woman she would have chosen for him. The woman is a shrew.
You must still show her respect and kill her with kindness.
She is still the grandmother of your children, and the mother of your husband. Even if she doesn't acknowledge the children, you still show the children how to properly behave around their elders.
You don't mention your father-in-law. Is he also indifferent to his grand-children? Have you asked him if he has any idea what the deal is? You didn't say she was a widow or divorced. It is better to let your husband deal with his parents in any-case. All you can do is show him support. I do not suggest that you ignore her. Simply take the calls, be as polite as possible, and show no negative emotion. She feeds on your pain and discomfort; so don't give her the satisfaction.
Ignoring his mother while she is rude and cold to you and his children is cowardly. If she is so crazy about her son; he should have some influence over how she treats his wife and children. He will not confront her; because he doesn't want to fall from favor. He apparently is her favorite. Ignoring her is just avoidance of the issue. Children don't understand these things, and it should be handled.
There should be a show-down between your husband and his mother. Apparently the children aren't old enough to notice
So don't dramatize in-front of them to make it something they'll take personally. They don't have the emotional and psychological savvy to process cruel adult-behavior just yet.
However; there will be a point they will need an explanation. Put that in your husband's hands, and stand quietly by as he squirms. It should never come to that.
There is a biblical verse that says you reap what you sow. Just be civil with her and let it be. Once they children are in their teens and twenties; leave it up to them to decide if they might want to attempt to have a relationship with their paternal grandmother. I think things will have drastically changed by that time anyway. Teenagers hardly know their grandparents exist anyway.
If she never makes any effort to connect with the children, when she's a dried up old bat; she'll regret all the time she missed with them when they were little ones.
The full impact will hit; when there are few family visits while her last days are spent as a lonely old woman in a nursing home. She will appreciate anyone willing to give her their time and company. People mellow and often become a lot kinder as they grow old. Look forward to those days.
That's how things go full-circle.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (30 January 2015):
 Near enough this situation happened to my family. My mum stopped visiting my dad's mum and we never saw them much anyway, but I stopped too (minus once every other year-ish) because she was nasty to me and my mother. My dad still talks to her sometimes, but it's not often and he made it clear that, if she ever made him choose, he'd choose us. My mum didn't encourage him or bring it up, he did.My dad and brother see her once or twice a year and speak to her maybe 4 or 5 times a year. She absolutely adores our cousins though - we aren't close to any of them.If your children are under 12, and your husband still wants them to visit her, I'd advise it. When they are 12, they can make their own mind up. Until then, I'd advise just trying to ignore any of her disrespectful behaviour, for your husband's sake.
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