A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:From the moment I met my boyfriend's father, I have been very attracted to him. But recently when my boyfriend's parents dropped by our house to tell us they were seeing each other again after 10 years of being separated, I got really jealous for some reason. Since then, I have had many thoughts and fantasies about my boyfriend's father, and I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. I have been living with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months now, and it has become really difficult to live with him, be around him and be intimate with him without thinking about his dad. How do I make these thoughts go away? I don't want anything to get between my boyfriend and I, because he means a lot to me. Way too much to let trivial sexual fantasies break us apart. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): If your BF means so much to you; your choice and obligation to your commitment is to practice restraint and self-control. I note that you are a very young lady; so your youth and inexperience attributes a great deal to your dilemma. It doesn't excuse it.
You now must refocus on the guy you're committed to, and put less time and thought into fantasies about a man who hardly knows you exist. It's just a passing fancy, and you have nothing to base any real feelings on. Acting-out to expose your attraction to his father in any way, will bring you bad karma later on. It will not come immediately; but at the most inopportune time, when you feel you're at your happiest. Then your heart will be broken to discover someone you love is attracted to someone else, and doing something about it. That's how we learn when we've knowingly done something wrong by someone else, and must pay the price at our own expense.
You apparently don't care as much for your boyfriend as you indicate. That is because if you did, you couldn't and wouldn't become so obsessed/infatuated over someone you hardly know. You are a youthful bundle of frisky hormones. You say you love your boyfriend so much, but this is to avoid judgment. You don't want a scolding for being a bad girlfriend. This by no means makes you a bad person, and you don't deserve that kind of judgment.
You're not necessarily a bad girlfriend, maybe not a totally honest one. Lust starts in the heart, it's the actions you take thereafter that gets you into trouble.
You are feeling all this below the waist, and it's not really wrong. You can't anticipate what happens mentally or suddenly like sexual-attraction. It's natural and common for someone your age to struggle with the power of your hormones. Then you must own responsibility, and recognize what "commitment" means. Part of the challenge of commitment, is fighting temptation. To remain true to the one who has forsaken all others just to be with you. To own up to the mutual agreement to remain faithful and exclusive.
To place yourself in your boyfriend's position. If he felt the way you do, for some other girl; or your sister. How would you feel?
You may love the person you're with; but you are still faced with resisting impulses, and the temptation brought on intentionally or unintentionally by others.
The best way to get-over the "lust"...yes lust; is to avoid being around his dad. Who obviously puts off a lot of pheromones, and you're susceptible to them. He may have a dashing appearance, and his maturity strikes a cord with the innate mental-criteria you find most physically attractive in men. There is nothing wrong unless you give-in to the attraction; or make these feelings apparent to his dad. That would reflect terribly on you, and your character for doing so. Just finding him extremely irresistible can happen; but it is limited to the surface, and doesn't really go any deeper than that. This is much like a school-girl crush, or a fan-crush on a handsome celebrity. The problem is, he is in close proximity and easy access. Many things could go wrong. It would start with flirting. Then you're deliberately sending signals.
The fact your boyfriend is suddenly not that important to you is really unrelated. Subconsciously, you're still seeking and searching for someone else. Your boyfriend simply doesn't cut it for you. You're settling for him; until something better comes along. Now you're projecting that onto his father.
Get a grip, girlfriend! Women don't hide their feelings very well, and your boyfriend will pickup on it.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (30 January 2015):
There are ways to rewire your mind. I once fell for a married man who had a kid was still very much in love with his wife. I never let him know but I still had that pesky crush.
What you have to do is make him as unattractive to you as possible. You've got fantasies. Well, use them against you. So really consider what would happen if those fantasies became reality. So:
- would you want to be with a man who'd disrespect his wife and his son and would shag his son's gf?
- how would you feel if you were his age, wanting to date someone your kid's age?
- he's older, so you know, he might not be able to get it up as often
You have to make the idea of being with this man the ugliest thing ever. That's how you get over a pointless crush. It's not going to be easy, but if you can taint your fantasies this way, you won't be thinking of him that that way anymore eventually.
At the same time, focus more on your boyfriend and his qualities. Why did you fall in love with him? What are things about him you like? And if you can't find enough to hold onto, maybe reconsider the relationship.
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