A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was born with a severe speech impediment. Not a big deal since 90% of people can understand me with little issue. The issue is once a week, my parents, siblings, nieces, nephew and I would go have a family dinner once a week. My mom instantly would tell the waitress what I wanted which embarrasses me and make me feel like a second class citizen. I have repeatedly asked her to stop doing that and she always said she does it out of habit. So six months ago, I told her that if she ever did it again, I will refuse to go anyway with her again. So at the weekly dinner the next week, she did the same thing. I got up, walked to my car and left. Since then, I have refused to do anything with my mom in public. This has caused a rift in my family but I refuse to back down unless she gets professional help to find out why she does it, even though I asked her repeatedly not to. I am willing to do the weekly dinner at my house as a compromise until then. Am I wrong for reacting this way in response to my mom's behavior? Anything I should or shouldn't do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, MysticalStella  +, writes (8 March 2022):
 No you're not wrong. You're the one who's living with the speech impediment, and have been doing so for twenty odd years. It's part of who you are as an individual human being.
I'm not buying your mother's explanation that she does it out of habit, even if that's a legitimate explanation as to why she does what she does.
You see we live out lives in cycles. There is no free will. In order to have free will we would have to know everything in existence in the present moment of time because free means separate from, and we are never ever separate from our environment and other people.
The only real choice we have is whether we do things more consciously, or less consciously. When we do things out of habit, we are doing things less consciously.
As we are living in cycles and our minds need structure and patterns (or order) so as to be able to function, we do certain things habitually. We may go to bed at a certain time each evening. We brush our teeth out of habit according to a set pattern or rhythm. Many of us will dress ourselves according to habits we have built up over time.
When our habits don't impact on anyone or cause harm then it's all good.
But see when our habits impact on ourselves or others, that's when we run into problems. Take for example an addiction such as alcoholism, where someone drinks alcohol to excess habitually and gets drunk. Here you can see that someone is doing something out of habit less consciously.
I think your mother speaks up for you out of habit because she sees your speech impediment as a disability or special need. I don't think she's intentionally trying to cause you to be treated as a second class citizen. She could be doing this because she is aware of the stigma associated with the speech impediment and is maybe trying to mask it.
It's good that you have refused to allow yourself to be put in that situation again. But if you are seeking change in your relationship with your mother you're going to have to educate her and have a talk about how it's making you feel.
I feel and would advise you both to aim for a situation where you can speak for yourself at such gatherings and let the waiting staff deal with your speech impediment directly. Your mother has no need to speak up for you.
You see at the restaurant you were part of a group of people. Whenever we as individuals approach any sort of social group, we take our social cues from everyone in the group. We are all to some degree physically imperfect. All of us. We all have our individual issues. But if everything in a group is treated as normal, then whatever issue, such as your speech impediment, is normalized and there's no stigma.
I don't see any waiting staff as having an issue with this approach. I'm sure people who wait tables in restaurants encounter their fair share of people with speech impediments, broken English, and people who have other issues with communication.
Like I suggest try to have a conversation with your mother and see if she can try to handle such situations more consciously. I wish you well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): That is not very nice of your mother. Honestly. I think she has her own issues to sort through. She seems to be a very controlling, self centered person. Just because she is a mother, or your mother, does not mean she is always right or necessarily a good person or is allowed to get away with disrespectful behavior towards others, including her children.
It is unnecessary for your mother to behave as a controlling bully. If you do decide to go to dinner next time, beat her to the punch. Tell the waitress. My mother is going to tell you I have a speech impediment. But I don't think it's as bad as she thinks it is. Ask the waitress or waiter if they just understood what you said. If yes, then tell them what you want to order. That should shut your mother up. Just take charge of the situation and be confident in yourself. You are an adult now, a fully capable one at that. Your mother needs to see this and back off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): Sir, forgive me for addressing you as "my dear." Let's change that to "dear sir," or "my friend!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): Nope, you are not wrong! Stand your ground! Sometimes it takes a drastic move to modify a recurring behavior; because people will continue either out of stubbornness, or ignorance. If it was a stranger, you'd have little choice. It's your mother, who is abusing her parental-authority by leveraging her matriarchal position as the means to show you she will continue; because she is your mother.
The reason she gave to keep it up is bull manure; and is just a passive-aggressive way to dismiss your complaint. Other members of your family aren't being treated this way; so they have no say about it one-way or the other! If they condone the behavior, it encourages her to continue being abusive. It's then left up to you to deal with it, with or without their help.
Ephesians 6:4 (Amplified version) The Holy Bible says:
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
The Bible uses terms like "father" or "mankind" to be inclusive, it covers both genders. It's obvious mothers don't get a pass at belittling and abusing their children.
Even the Bible gives you coverage on this matter. If you refuse to submit to abuse; even by His own word, God has shown you where He stands on what your mother insists on doing. Your feelings matter, and you're taking your stand respectfully and even under a sensible compromise.
Good show, my dear! God bless you! If God is with you, who can be against you?
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (7 March 2022):
 I completely understand why you feel the way that you feel.
I agree with Honeypie. You need to actually sit your mom down and try to explain how it actually makes you feel and why if makes you feel that way. She probably doesn't understand the psychological effect that it's having on you. Often our parents don't really understand such. They come from a simpler time so they don't consider the things that our generation now knows to. I'm in your age group so I can say that if I were in your position, I'd feel the exact same way. I probably would've reacted in the exact same way too. It's just how I'm built when I feel disregarded or disrespected so I get it.
I think that your suggestion of hosting at your place is a great idea in the interim because it will give you the opportunity to have that conversation and ensure that there's an actual commitment to change from mom's part before going into public again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2022):
 I don't blame you for saying enough is enough. Good for you.
Personally, I don't think you overreacted. She has been told REPEATEDLY that you do NOT need her to order for you. It doesn't matter if this is out of "habit" or that she doesn't want to be embarrassed if you take a bit longer to order for yourself than she does.
You have TOLD your mom you can do it yourself, it is TIME she stops treating you like a little kid.
Does she need "professional help" - I don't think so. But I do think she NEEDS to accept and understand how this makes you feel. I think you NEED to sit her down and TELL her how she makes you feel like a little child insert how it makes you feel. She NEEDS to apologize to you, and then STOP doing this. EVER again.
If she can do that, and truly understand how demoralizing her behavior is, then go out with the family for the weekly dinner again.
You are in your late 20's, not 5! You shouldn't be treated as a 5-year-old. Ever.
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A
male
reader, Kofcalifornia +, writes (7 March 2022):
Yes you could react differently. Depending on what you want to accomplish you could handle things much differently. Since you know you have a speech problem you need to be prepared beforehand.
You said your mom ordered for you as soon as the waiteess arrived. So im assuming you always order the same thing from the same place? Order ahead online or maybe write down what you want and hand the note to the waitress or show her the note on your phone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): I think you should stand your ground and wait until your mum apologizes and promises never to embarrass you like that again.Also you don't have to do entertaining at yours until she agrees.You are a grown adult as is your mum and both of you can speak for yourselves.She is discriminating against you and she must accept that it is time to let you speak for yourself.It's also no one else's opinion that counts on this issue as it rests around your speech impediment!Your mum will eventually realise how important this is to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): I totally agree with the way you see this and how you reacted. Your mother is acting superior to you, talking down to you and belittling you, making it a chore and a negative to go out with her. She won't go to therapy, she thinks she is right and sees no reason to change. Do not back down, you need to stand your grand on principle, otherwise she will be even worse if you give in on this with other things later.
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