A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend left me and went down to the US to see his mother alone. We had planned to go together in two weeks but he went ahead and left without even telling me. We were having issues and were on the phone the day before and the next morning when I called to say good morning he was already on the road. I had a gift for his mother. I had taken time off work for this trip. It was all planned and I was looking forward to seeing his mom and sister and going away with my boyfriend. He did this last year too. He left me and went on another trip to see friends in the US. After we were having the same issues. Commitment issues on his end. He just got on a plane and left me behind saying he was all messed up and needed to find himself and figure things out. I begged him not to go just like I begged him this time. He came back after that trip, telling me he had time to sort through his issues and chose to be with me. That he loved me and wanted a future with me. He was gone a few months and said he had a few therapy sessions and all of a sudden he was enlightened. I believed him but I was always skeptical and weary, never feeling like my feet were on solid ground with him. It destroyed my trust in him as a stable partner and despite what my head said, my heart took him back. I begged him never to leave me again. He said he would never hurt me again, and he DID. He said he was a changed man. He said all the right things. So how could he do this to me AGAIN? A year later? The same thing? I loved him and was always loyal to him. I don't understand what I have ever done to be discarded twice??? I am so heart broken. I have to go through that pain all over again and it was hard to take the first time. Only worse now. How could he come back and say he wanted to make a fresh start and then leave again a year later? Does he not realize I am a human being with a heart, and feelings, and hopes for the future? That I needed to be loved and valued, not thrown away like trash, and forgotten about?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 March 2022):
 Fool me once shame on you...Fool me twice shame on me
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female
reader, !!anonyma!! +, writes (17 March 2022):
 It is like reading a book again and again knowing the ending which has no fun. He left you once and yah you forgave him and now after coming back and saying that he is sorry and everything he still left you. Just don't take him back if he comes back again. Because no matter what he does or say he will do this again and again. And don't think of him as trash. The problem is not you it is him. So don't let it get you. I know it is hard and you love him but you gotta except the reality and that it is over and you should let him go.... :( But hey even if life isn't fair and it doesn't always come out the way we want it to there are still some good things in life and there are better people out there waiting for you. Just like we start reading a new book after the old one. And I am sure you will find happiness and he will find what he wants too. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): There is a lot of info we don't know here. How long have you been together? Is there a recurring issue the both of you have that has not been resolved? It takes two to fix it. It may be that you are too controlling and don't trust him enough? Maybe you smother him or are too clingy and he bolts? Mind you pandemic relationships have been under more strain than normal. I should add that when things go wrong, people fail to see all the good things about their partner and relationship. Obviously there was a connection there. Running away only leads to regrets. It is obvious he cared enough to come back the first time but he needs to do some work on himself this time if there is any hope, and you must also work on you. Usually when the impact of their decision kicks in and the empty void takes over and they see they cannot replace you, they may reach out again. We all like comfort, not starting new. Maybe you both need time away from each other to heal, then if you or he reaches out, you could reevaluate? Everybody seems to always say block and delete. But there are other options. It really does depend on how much a couple wants to be together. And how strong their bond is. You could still have a strong bond when you have problems. It's this bond that makes you try harder.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2022): Mysticalstella gives some really good advice and insight. I'm the woman whose boyfriend has dumped me twice with valentines card.I also want to add that I picked up you argued twice, both times about commitment and just as you was supposed to be going away together. I think he feels cornered and runs away and I'm also second guessing you argue with him prior to the trips because you are nervous about meeting his family and friends and then try and pin him down to establish your relationship with him.What is true also is this isn't just about him, you have to use this time now to work out what additional things you bring as baggage into the relationship, be it your insecurities or past relationships.My exes mother died eighteen months ago and with the grief he also feels he has to be with his father, plus he has been previously married.Research, talk and learn where this went wrong and what the triggers were that led to it x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2022): I share your pain. My ex left me last year for four months, posted a valentines card and without explanation didn't speak or contact me for four months, he lives in the same town. He has done it again, a year later, comolete silence and its been two months.Like you I blamed myself because like you I wanted commitment and he backed off every single time I raised the subject and it came to a head.It's a hard pill to swallow but I'm afraid the reality is like mine he doesn't want to be committed, he has an avoidant personality and the minute the talk about commitment rears its head he leaves. Quite simply you want more from him than he is willing to give you.My advice is watch videos on YouTube, look at anxious and avoidant relationships, look at videos on ghosting, look at Matthew Hussey videos, they all help to make it clearer why this has happened. I'm at the point where no matter how much I miss him, no matter how much my hopes and expectations for my relationship have gone, I accept that I have to go through this time and I will move on and as hard as it is so will you.I heard some good advice on a break up video and it is there is no point thinking you have lost "the one" the one that was meant to be because if they was "the one" then they would be with you and wouldn't hurt you by their actions. We must move on, just remember you are not alone, I know how you feel and it hurts but this is not about you this is about him and you and I did nothing to deserve the way we was treated x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2022): I'm sorry, sweetheart. I've been there, and done that.
This was me back in 2013:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2022): "He said he would never hurt me again, and he DID. He said he was a changed man. He said all the right things. So how could he do this to me AGAIN?"Simple, he lied. He knows how needy and dependent you are so he told you what you wanted to hear knowing that's all he needed to do for you to let him back into your life and bed. Don't believe what a guy SAYS, believe what he DOES.
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female
reader, MysticalStella  +, writes (8 March 2022):
 I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Being rejected in a loving relationship is never easy, because it brings us face to face with the greatest polarity in life, and that is the polarity between love and death. This is because the opposite of love is death and we can experience no greater polarity in life than that between love and death, because both are, together with life, the three inseparable aspects of the human experience of existence. I'm reading through your question, which is focussed very heavily on your boyfriend. It seems you were fighting, you were fighting for love, and you were giving it everything you had. I can imagine just how hard it is for you, after all that effort, and work, and fighting, to accept that you are now left with nothing and are all alone. Your boyfriend was also fighting, probably just as much as you to be in the relationship. However your boyfriend was also fighting another battle or conflict deep within himself. It's important to understand that any two people who are together in a relationship are also affected by other people who are not part of the relationship. I'm not writing about cheating or infidelity here. We enter into relationships with people on the basis of our past experiences of relationships with other people.I'm not referring to love here. Love is consciousness just as death is space or emptiness (hence the polarity). The basis of all existence is consciousness, out of which we get life, out of which we also get love, which is a spectrum of consciousness which we relate to on a different level than normal. It's important to remember that love is a level or plane of consciousness which exists within all of us. We all have a spectrum of love within us, which we can access. Love is not something which two people do together, it's a level of consciousness within us, which some other people connect to - hence the connection, the chemistry and the bonds. But to be in a loving relationship love isn't enough. You also need a relationship. You also need to be able to get on with each other. You need to be able to be with each other, have roughly similar lives and be moving in roughly the same direction in life. You also need to be able to trust that other person, and you also need a certain amount of reciprocity, because all relationships are based on transactions. You can love someone all you like, but you also need to be able to be with that person, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. It's not enough to feel that you love someone. You also need the ability to be with that person in a relationship. From what I can see, from what you have written, your boyfriend cannot be with you in a relationship simply because he cannot make that commitment to you, as you to him, and follow through on that commitment. He needs to resolve his past karma, or whatever issues he has coming from the past, past trauma, in order to be free to be able to commit to you. It's okay going to therapy, and claiming that you're enlightened, and that you've changed, but unless you're able to follow through and show how you've changed through your actions and your choices any talk of change is just wishful thinking. Enlightenment is never anything you have to talk about. If you're actually enlightened, other people will see it and appreciate it. Enlightenment is something you express outwards without thinking about it. So we come to your situation in the here and now. You're traumatized by the loss of your loving relationship. You're at the start of a grieving process, and it is in this way that the loss of a loving relationship is the same more or less as a bereavement. The outcome is the same, you have to now go through life without that person who was once a central focus in your life. However to get to that healing and recovery which comes out of that grieving process, you have to deal with the pain, the heartache and the suffering. Overcoming the suffering involves letting go of the emotional and psychological attachments. It involves letting go of the unfulfilled expectations, the prospect of that shared future you had with your boyfriend. You can only do this by going back towards that 'love' level of consciousness within you. Love is not just romantic love, it's many different things such as kindness, compassion, altruism, friendship. When you understand that love is a spectrum, and exists within you, and that you can express it in many different ways, both towards yourself and others, you should realize that you have various choices and options available to you. The heartache and the pain isn't going to go away, or disappear, because we all go through a certain amount of trauma in life, and the whole point of trauma is to make us who we are as individuals. It's the start of a process of creativity and interaction. It's important to be kind to yourself, grieve the relationship and the loss, don't get caught up in recriminations, because that's only going to hold you back from the grief, healing and recovery. You need to learn from the experience, and move back towards that love plane of consciousness. Let your boyfriend go in a final act of love, set him free. Move towards the healing and recovery and let the next chapter of your life unfold. Best wishes, and of course, hugs.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 March 2022):
 That is horrible OP! I'm sorry.
Here are my thoughts. He did this ONCE already, so you KNEW it was a possibility that he could do this to you again, and you took that risk. He did it again.
That doesn't mean it didn't hurt you again. But you KNEW there was a risk here. Look, you took a gamble on this guy and lost.
Now you know that YOU are not a priority, probably not even in his top 5. He is his own #1 (which is OK) but he is also his own #2 and #3 and #4 etc.
To be frank here, I think he didn't want to bring you to the US to meet his mom. So he started a fight with you, so he could bounce without you.
He will come crawling back when his mom no longer wants to host him and he needs a roof over his head.
If you take him back AGAIN, he will keep bouncing EVERY time there is talk of commitment. EVERY time.
You already know that he doesn't VALUE you enough to treat you right. He doesn't REALLY want to commit to you. A couple of therapy session doesn't fix commitment issues. That is a bold lie he told you to PLACATE you and manipulate you into taking him back.
My personal advice?
Go and buy some moving boxes. PACK UP all his shit. ALL of it. Tell him if he wants ANY of that shit, he can contact XY or Z (any mutual friends of yours that will agree to be there for him to pick it up or STORE it for you). Then you tell him you are DONE with him. You are done with the disrespect, the inability to be trustworthy, and lack of decency. That you are blocking him and want NO FURTHER contact EVER.
And then you block him. You delete his number. You remove yourself from HIS social media and BLOCK him/remove him from yours.
Then you TAKE some time working through WHY you would EVER date a guy like this in the first place. What red flags YOU ignored with him, so you know what to avoid in the future.
Then you spend time with family and friends and work on getting over him.
This was NOT the right guy for you. Now you know without ANY doubt.
The longer you waste time on a guy like this, the longer it will take you to meet a guy who CAN be a good fit for you. Which is why you NEED to toss him to the curb 100%. Not do this pick-me dance and hope he MIGHT possibly change. He isn't going to.
Time will mend your heart. As long as you remember this isn't about YOU - these were HIS choices and HIS actions.
But you are the one, taking the emotional brunt of this.
BE done. Time to let go and move on.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (8 March 2022):
 I know its hard, break ups are never easy, especially as you have been messed around and let down twice by him.
He let you down once, you forgave him the second time because you believed his lies about how he has changed and how he is going to make it work this time.
I hope that you have learned a lesson from all this and don't let him into your life for a third time. I guarantee if you let him in a third time he will let you down once again.
I know its hard but you will get over this, time is the healer of all things, you will get over this and come back stronger than you was before. You can use this as hindsight, a learning curve that you can take with you which will give you signs to look out for next time.
In the mean time, onwards and upwards, delete him, block him, and never let him back into your life ever again. Maybe think yourself lucky you got out when you did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2022): If someone does something to you once you are supposed to learn from it. If someone steals from you, lies to you, uses you, hurts you, learn from it. Don't accept them back with open arms. Either take them back in a cautious way where you go slowly with things and they have to prove themselves or stay away from them. You say he ought to realise you are a human being with a heart. Does this mean that he has to change his personality and put your needs before his? If his needs are to come and go and change his mind that comes first.You need to love yourself more. When you love yourself you don't have relationships with people who abuse you and let you down regularly, you say no to them and hold out for something better and stay single in the meantime.
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