A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mum is very very controlling and I dont know how to get her to stop being like this..I am almost 20 and I have to be home at half past 10 every night!! She goes in the huff if I stay at my boyfriends, She shouts at me if I dont eat the lunch she has made me for work and this morning she got me up early and said I want you to start wearing make up to work and looking pretty.She is really starting to give me a complex by saying things like "I'm going to put you on a diet" or "Wear make up to make you look nice" or "i'm getting you up now so you can do your hair curly for work" My boyfriend really dislikes her because of this and constantly tells me I'm beautiful and not to listen to her.What can I do to get her to back off a little or atleast stop criticizing me as much?
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female
reader, Gypsii  +, writes (27 November 2008):
Your mom was likely criticized by her own mother so she's simply passing on the the cycle of abuse to you. As your mom has a low sense of self worth (caused by her own abuse mother), the cycle was naturally passed on to you. To stop it, you need to stand up to her and let her know that you are not going to accept victimization. More than likely she suffered in silence and was too afraid of her own mother to say anything. To survive this and break the cycle, you'll need to find your voice and take back your power. Some suggestions:When she says "I'm putting you on a diet" you can say "I appreciate your concern about my health and, you're right, I need to eat healthier. Why don't we make a pledge to healthier eating together?" When she says "You should wear your hair curly...I woke you up early so that you can do your hair", you can say "I'm wearing my hair straight because I like it straight. You obviously don't agree with my decision about my hair and that's ok. However, please don't wake me up again about this."When she says "You should wear makeup...make yourself look pretty", you should politely ask "When you were my age, did grandma ever tell you that you were pretty?"As soon as you put the issues back on her---especially the last question---she will back off. Why? Because she doesn't want to go into the pain that she's experienced with her own mother so she'll either let it go or have the emotional explosion that she really wants and needs to have. You're simply the punching bag but the real issue is hers and it's between she and her mom. Keep telling her that you love yourself, you're happy, and you're fine with your appearance. No matter what she says or does to try to break you down, keep standing up to her...respectfully, calmly and confidently.Stay the course!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not just my mum that's like this though, my gran is aswell.And as it stands I am not making enough money to get a place of my own and the local council housing is in a bit of a mess at the moment with the waiting list being roughly about 2/3 years.
My boyfriend asked me to move in with him and his parents but he has a really small room with only a single bed and tbh I'm glad I only stay there at weekends as I get up and end up with a sore neck/back.
My mum also checks up on me quite a lot, the other day I saw my dad drive past my work and when I asked him about it my mother quickly butted in and said "I've told him to check up on you at random to make sure you go" I found this really quite pathetic as I love my job and apart from holidays I have only been off for 2 days due to REAL illness. I am afraid even if I did move out she would still act like this.
My boyfriend gets Really frustrated at times with her as well as he says that she is trying to take me away from him and she is jealous of what we've got. Atleast todays Friday so I wont have to put up with her until Sunday night now..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): b well it sounds like she is trying to make you someone you are not and nobody needs to be told wear makeup to make them look nice every single person is beautiful in their own way.
if i were you i would tell her " mam im not a little girl any more im 20 i can do what i like wheahter you like it or not. you dont even realise that you critisizeing me is very annoying and lowering my self esteem."
you could move in with your boy friend and keep ur distance for a while and let her realise that you are grown up
ha
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): You could try telling her to look in the mirror for a start, and if you don't eat all your jam butties throw what's left in the bin. She either wants to beef you up a bit or get you on a diet - you can't do both!
Basically you've got to stand up to her. I'm not surprised your fella can't stand her. You're over 18 so you can do as you please, but it might be a good idea to do as you please from your own pad, not hers, and get away from her. I joind the navy partly because my mother kept asking me if I'd washed behind my ears and tucked my shirt into my underpants. Best move I ever made, that!
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A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Best way to get her to back off?
Move out. Pack up your stuff and leave, I'm sorry but your mother has some issues; take it from a girl who's been facing critcism from her own mother since she was 7.
It's the only way she's going to completely back off and think of all the benefits: you'll have your independence and possibly, with the new living arrangements, you and your mother will get along better.
However if you don't want to do that, you definitely need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. She may not realize that she's being overly critical, she just thinks she's helping you out. Which is obviously doing more harm then good.
Hope this helps!
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