A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok I don't know where to start. Ever since I was young I've had problems with my mother. she was abused and raped from the age of four and her mother died when she was very young leaving no one to look after her and her being put into care. The abuse continued til she was 16. During my childhood she seemed fine til I was about 11 when I left school and she got used to having me around all the time. When I was 16 I decided I needed a life of my own and I went out and did the usual teenage thing drinking with friends going to their houses and parties. But she threw me out as soon as I did and left the country three days before christmas without telling me. I had to find out from her friend. As a result of my depression of having to fend for myself and live on the streets I developed a crack cocaine and heroin addiction. I was raped by someone I thought was a friend. I guess because of my age I was very vulnerable and because I hadn't been to school since an early age I was naive. I suffered alot sleeping rough and after a while she contacted me and I moved away and sorted out my addictions. I have a trust issue and I am now 21 and find it hard to deal with normal things. I have enough problems in my life and my mum has caused so many more in the few years since we started talking again. Throwing me out again a month before last christmas. I can't talk to her about the strain this has caused me and I have so many problems in my life right now and I'm with a friend whom I met when I was 16 and who saw me go through all the above mentioned. I helped him overcome a heroin addiction without developing another one myself. But I found myself so depressed recently that I've been doing crack cocaine again - I'm not right now. But I ended up in hospital with a cocaine overdose and now I've cut off contact with my mum. She spoke to me everyday and now I accept her calls every once in a while but I can't be blamed for what happened back then yet she spread such vicious lies to friends and family to justify leaving. Like me sleeping with every tom, dick and harry naming people I would never in a million years be seen dead with let alone having sex with. I'm ashamed because my family believe all of it and they choose to close their doors and block me out and I can't get through to my mum about all this. Should I just leave it and carry on with my own life? How do I deal with these problems. Since it all happened I was raped again by another friend. In my search to be close to people and have close friends I've gotten into a lot of trouble because I don't have family - what was once a tight family unit is just tattered shreds of what it used to be and what I'll never have. I've tried going to psychologists and nothings helped. I feel myself sliding down the wrong paths and my psychologist says I have abandonment issues. I was once a teenager with so many dreams. Now I hardly have the motivation to get out of bed. She's ruined my life. How can I fix it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): I've just read your post and you sound like an incredibly brave young woman. I know it can be very difficult to deal with abandonment issues because it permeates every part of our lives - it comes into all our friendships, work opportunities and relationships.
But you sound like you have dealt with everything very well.
You also sound a little bit like you feel you are on your own - please let me reassure you that you are not. Many people suffer from the same feelings as you and there is a way out. I know that it can really help to talk to other people in your situation.
I am currently making a film for Channel 4 about young people who have been struggling with drugs or alcohol. I think that it's really important because other people who are in your situation will see that they are not on their own and it can sometimes really help people to know that they are helping others. - The films are educational films that are to be used in schools.
Do you think you would like to have a chat with me about this. My name is Beckie Stewart and my contact number is 0208 742 7852.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Warm wishes and all the best - you're doing really well
A
female
reader, starismine1  +, writes (4 September 2008):
 You have to believe your mother has not ruined your life because your entire life has not yet been lived...you still have today and tomorrow. You do not have to let your past relationship with her define you. It's easy to feel like you are a victim of your mother's treatment and let that victim mentality control your destiny. It's so important for you to realize that its what YOU THINK about yourself and others that controls your life and not what you do or what you once did. Regardless of what your mother did, regardless of what she "convinces" others to believe about you, you can choose to not believe these things and move on and believe in YOURSELF. It's obvious to me that your mother is dumping all her anger about her own inability to cope with her past onto you, and she will only see you the way she needs to see you, to feel better about her past life. But that way isn't a truthful one or based on your reality. So what is your reality? Your reality is that you choose friends who are not really friends, they rape you and use you. You make poor life choices that sabotage your life, like using drugs, you associate with people who do drugs, you feel comfortable around people who live life one step beneath your standards, and this gives you a sense of feeling better about yourself. But you must stop needing problem addicts to make you feel better. This only validates your mother's negative opinions about you. Your mother could not find the inner strength to love you the way you deserved to be loved. But YOU can love yourself the way you deserve to be loved. You can choose to do what your mother did: use others, pity them, depend on them and then get abandoned by them. You can choose to associate with people who bring you down in life, OR you can choose to associate with people who inspire you to live a fulfilling life....THE CHOICE IS YOURS. Find a mentor, someone as a role model to bring you up in life. The first step is to go to places where you can bond with people you respect, like charity organizations, church organizations, places where you are not judged and accepted. At these kinds of places you can make friends with people who care about you without using you. Say aloud everyday the affirmation "I am a good caring person and I am attracting good caring people into my life" every morning and night, and stop focusing on how you were never accepted by mum or the guys in your life. Feeling pity and numbing the pain never works. So stop bringing back mum into your life and that relationship dynamic with every drug addict, sex addict and abuser you meet. They will only repeat the mum relationship forever and you will relive the pain over and over again. Also, you must soul search feelings about your dad, because your mum is not the only one who gave you pain. So search to find inner peace. Yes, you do have abandonment issues, but knowing this is no great breakthrough for you is it? Knowing how to move on and knowing how to stop believing what others think about you means anything is the most important realization you need to make. It's only what you believe about yourself that matters, so stop listening to all of those people who hurt you and criticize you, even if they seem to be your whole world. Start telling yourself positive things about yourself and those negative people will gradually disappear more and more in your life. Read the book, The Glass Castle, and see how even in the depths of a dismall upbringing, you turn life around. All my best wishes for the happiness you deserve in life...Lizzie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Hi babes,I can understand just how you feel, my mother has issues, she an abusive, manipulative alcoholic, that just loves to yank my chain and watch smiling as I start to cry... It's hard babes, but you have to realise, that you have to start choosing to live a HEALTHY LIFE, no matter what, you deserve so happiness and peace in the world. Get up every day, see what you can do to better yourself. Stay away from her untill you get strong, forget about what people say, they don't live your life, they have no right to judge. You do your best, that's all you can do. Learn to put you first, learn to respect and love you...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Hi
You are such a strong young lady and i am so proud of how you are trying your best to live a healthy life. Cut ties with your past emotionally and physicaly. you can and have stood on your own you do not NEED your past. You need a FUTURE this must be a clean slate. Rebuild youur life from the present and trust in YOURSELF to make the life you want. You have so much life experience to pass on to others who may get lost, have you thought about college and training in areas where you have understanding? You could make a careers appointment talk to the right people and they will guide you. Believe in yourself and never let a traumatic PAST stand in the way of a bright future, once again who better to understand lifes traumas than those who have walked in those shoes and SURVIVED? you have so much to offer other youngsters and yourself. You are not your past, you are your future. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope love finds you. Stay strong but not hard
Go and build your new future and reach for the stars...even those closest family members we sometimes have to let go of ( for the time been while we heal).
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