A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents dislike (and I suspect possibly even hate) my boyfriend.Why?I'm 19, and he's 21, he's got a job in IT / computer maintenance, went to uni and is qualified, doesn't drink (except as a social drinker) and spends most of his time outside work with family, has few friends other than his family and three people outside of work.I'm still in uni, studying business systems and computing, and my boyfriend's proud of me doing a similar thing to him - we met in, of all places, a PC World store - is that an odd place to meet a partnerHe hasn't got a criminal record, doesn't take drugs (unless a doctor prescribes them), doesn't smoke, and (here's something odd in our area) doesn't like social network sites - prefers using email online instead.He isn't jealous of the other men on my course, says they could be future colleagues for all he knows in his opinion, and it seems irrational to be jealous(he told me he knows from bitter experience; his sister was jealous towards her boyfriends a few years back and it's made it hard for her to get a boyfriend now)I've tried to show them he's a nice guy, and introduced him to my family, but only my grandparents and 16-year-old brother and 23-yr-old sister accept him.Obviously he does have some flaws, but they're only small ones, like overeating (he likes his food, but still somehow remains tall and thin!) and being too early for things (punctuality), or spending slightly too much on Christmas for friends and family (by his self-admission, he says it's about the celebration not the presents or money).Why can't my parents accept him, despite all the good things?They haven't stopped us seeing one another, my mum was a bit snarky about it, saying "you can see him, but he's a waste of space!" but it's still annoying that only half the family have accepted him.I told him this and he said he feels left out, he wishes he could be accepted by them for who he was.Please help me. Thanks. xxx
View related questions:
christmas, drugs, jealous, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (15 October 2011):
I remember meeting the parents once, and I felt really critisied by her dad. I was in I.T. and he had spent his life driving coaches and thought people who work in offices were lazy. Thinking back on that relationship, I think a big part of me feeling she was not "the one" was down to not getting on with her family - So, I don't think you should tell your bf about what your mum says from now on.
You should tell your mum, frankly "He loves me, respects me, will always be there when I need him and I know he will never want to hurt me" this should be enough for any parent to hear. If she doesn't, and you feel this man is your future, keep trying. Do this without your boyfriends involvement.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 You told him? Shouldn't have done that. He would be better off not knowing that your family dislike him, it can cause a potential problem in your relationship later on. If I were you I'd not mention it again. Its just hurtful to him. I don't see an obvious reason for why the rest of your family wont accept him. Maybe it's time you are direct and say why your mother says what she says about him? Then you'll know!It could be something you can't pin point right now, something they see that you don't. What is the thing about over-eating? I didn't understand that? He eats a lot, but he's not unhealthy, and some people just need more to eat than others if their bodies are designed that way. My father is also tall and thin and eats like two grown men. But he has a high metabolism and people should eat when they are hungry, so what can you? However maybe your parents feel he is taking more than his share if he eats over at your house? If he eats more than his portion that leaves little for the others? And eating someone out of their house is rude when you are a guest, regardless of your metabolism. I just didn't get that part, sorry. Feel free to explain what exactly it is about his eating habits that might be a bother to your mom. Maybe the solution is just to stop having him over for dinner? Parents can be critics, that's a common thing. Don't over think it. For some parents no one is ever good enough and they probably are just scared to lose their "little girl" to the adult world.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 When I was dating "boys"; my parents thought it was cute and liked most of them.
Then one day; I brought home a nice young man, who was in first year university. My parents were suddenly a bit apprehensive. And he was also good young man with a lot of the qualities that you described here.
I think what's happening here is that they are suddenly facing the fact that you have met your future partner and they are a little shocked, intimidated and are facing the fact that you are no longer their easily influenced little girl. You are probably acting liked his partner and they see that their relationship isn't the most important one in your life - from here on in.
And, possibly (I am speculating), if your mother is used to being hypercritical and telling you what to do, she has lost her "job" and she knows it. It can be a real bitch when you can't find fault with someone - the ridiculous comment that he's a waste of space! Obviously she can't say he's a lazy, good-for-noting pot-smoking bum - because he's not!
Like all the other Aunties have said - Hun - he's a keeper. And you sound happy. Go for it! I'm pretty sure that if my parents were a bit taken aback by meeting my future husband of 34 years, then they aren't the only parents to have behaved that way! Reading this letter from you proved that to me (and took me back a few years).
And my parents DID come around eventually!
Another good example of parents, in this case fathers, being intimidated is that movie "Father of the Bride". He thinks the fiance is a young whippersnapping interloper... so this seems to be a common theme! Parents are just flawed human beings too - and I am just as flawed and making the same mistakes meeting my kids future partners - btw... *sigh* Good luck Hunnie, hope this helps.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): No offense to your parents or other aunts, but I've noticed that older people and parents can be humbug about younger people enjoying themselves or being happy in a relationship...especially if they aren't happy with their own lives and relationships. Some of it has to do with them rolling their eyes at your new found happiness in the same way you might want to roll your eyes at a 14 year old who claims he or she is in love. But I suspect part of it might be that your parents are put off by your happiness and enthusiasm with him because they don't feel that way about each other anymore.
You've said so much about your boyfriend (who sounds pretty solid), but little about your parents. What's their relationship like? Like CindyCares said, it might be a class or background issue... if he doesn't drink and comes across as so well put together, it might make them feel put off and possibly threatened by your enthusiasm for him, especially if they weren't that way at his age.
However it seems like you made a choice you're happy with and on the face of it, it seems like a smart one. I'd stick with him. He seems more than a boyfriend, but a good partner and companion for you. Not all people are so lucky, so I'd stick with him even if it means it unnerves your parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 You love your boyfriend. It is entirely reasonable that you want harmony between your parents and your boyfriend. It must pain you that your parents and you Mom in particular seem to have not warmed to your boyfriend. And you want this settled so there is harmony.
It can be very unesettling if family do not warm to a boyfriend. But more so when clearly your boy friend is ticking all the boxes as an excellent boy friend and is likely to be around for some time to come. That is if he is the ONE then you need the harmony to exist. Perhaps with good luck and a lot of diplomacy your Mom will come to appreciate and like him as you do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2011):
I think this guy sounds perfect. And fun. And gorgeous.
Is your Mom just threatened because he is so much smarter and nicer than her?
I cannot fault him. Most young men have big appetites but burn it off quickly. He is one such man.
From everything you say I think this guy is a ""keeper" and I would make sure that you tell him how important he is to you, and that you put HIM first.
Whether your parents like him or not may have to be ignored. I think this lovely guy in your life sounds utterly delightful.
let him know that you Love him and remind him of his wonderful qualities.
Enjoy this great guy,
Cannot work out what your Mom's "issues" but I would question how reliable her advice is if your Mom cannot see that your guy is wonderful. Treasure him please. And do not allow your Mom to undermine your relationship, ever.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Strange. Punctuality is a quality , not a fault, IMO - the same goes for being generous to friends and family ( of course within reasonable, non-compulsive limits ). As for overeating- yeah I hate that too, particularly when accompanied by poor table manners, but if that is his one fault- what the heck, nobody is perfect in this world.
Are you sure there is absolutely NOTHING else that your parents may find fault with and you did not mention ? .. Not that your parents would be right, mind you- but if between you there's a big difference in social background- income or potential income- education- religion- political values- other " serious stuff " I could understand your parents not being enthusiastic and / or thinking you could " do better ".
Ultimately, ...it's not really a problem. The important thing is that YOU love him, not that your mother loves him. If you like him exactly the way he is- end of the story, as long of course as each party can be civil, polite and tolerant to the other.
I understand that you'd like if the entire family would be as happy with him as you are, that would be nice, but, our choices are our choices, and we can very well , and must, own them without the back up of an universal popular consensus.
...............................
|
