A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mom's choosing her lover over me? I can't reason out why she's doing this. She'll only come to realise that she's wrong for doing that because love is blind. One day, when it wears out, she'll probably start thinking of me. How could she blame me for all her relationship mishaps? She blames me for their break-up. And then, he got married. She said, "If it weren't for you, I would have married him!" How could she? And he's not a very nice man after all. He married someone else once they broke up. It's their relationship and I don't want to poke my nose into it but it angers me when she would do this to me for some man like that. The only one I have is my mom and now that my mom is doing this to me, I feel lost. We're 20 years bonded! They just know each other for 3 years! Am I wrong do be doing such judgement? How could she start ignoring me and even wants me to marry off so she doesn't need to feel the burden anymore? She used to sacrifice a lot for me, including driving me to and fro school and drive me to whereever needed for school projects. Now, when I ask her to do a little favour, she doesn't want to. Not that I want her to do things for me. I just feel that she doesn't care for me anymore. Her priority is on her new lover now? I'm so lost and stressed. Please help.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 June 2011):
Hi there. It's a very difficult position for you to be in.
Has your mother ever had your father living with you both, even in the early days when you were a child?
If she has always been a single mother, it sounds like she's now had a chance to have fun - a boyfriend - and is kicking up her heels a bit.
I don't believe it's a blame thing towards you, but more when she says - "If it wasn't for you ...." - she is mainly referring to her responsibility to you as a mother and the different things she has had to do for you as you were growing up. That's all that would be, so don't feel she is trying to make you feel guilty.
She still feels her ties towards you as your mother, but is also starting to see that there is another part to her life, now that you are grown up - you are about 20 years old now. I'm guessing that she is feeling entitled to a bit of a life of her own, which I can honestly understand.
The best way for you to deal with this, especially as you live with her, is to become a little more independent and build a bit of a life of your own as well. Go out with your own friends, begin a few hobbies and interests. Start having more fun, which will take some of the focus off this situation with your mum and her boyfriends.
Is it really necessary that you still live with your mother? Do you want to live with her, as she goes out with different men? Do you work at all? Or are you a student?
This is your other option - to move out and rent a house or a granny flat or an apartment. If you are financially secure and are working, you could start renting and share with a couple of friends to reduce the rental costs. Just an idea worth mentioning.
Good luck and best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): Relax. You're twenty, work hard and find a job and be independent. Leave you're mother alone for sometime. Go out and enjoy. She has her own life and you have yours. Once you're independent, you don't have to ask her for favors and you'll be outta her way shell know its her fault not yours. Don't interfere in her dating. You just enjoy you're life, go out with friends and all. When you're not lonely, you'll not feel depressed or stressed. Everythings gonna be just fine. Don't worry.
Take care.
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