A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was so worried to tell my mom I got engaged to my boyfriend. We went back to my hometown to tell her in person and I was so relieved when she seemed to take the news well (ish) that I cried. But my partner went home a couple of days before me, and that was when my mom blew her top. She's never liked marriage - she thinks it's unnecessary, extreme and all about ownership. I think it's a lovely way of affirming our feelings and commitment to each other.She's only met my partner twice, for a few days each time. Her main problems with him (as she outlined extensively to me the other day) are:- he talks loudly (not overly loud, just louder than she's used to - he grew up in a big family and my mom lives on her own now and doesn't get out much).- he wet the bath mat a lot after his shower- he forgot to strip the sheets off his bed when he was leaving- she thinks he's trying to control me in subtle ways, such as (I'm not joking) asking me if he can get me anything to eat or drink.- she thinks he's too sure of his own opinions.Now I love my mom and we've always been really close. I don't want to go against her on something so big, but I really don't think wet bath mats and non-quiet voices are deal breakers. I'm 26 years old, I've had a few serious relationships and got to know many more men besides and this is the only guy I've ever been able to see a future with. I told my mom that and I also told her I'm incredibly happy, I can talk to him about anything and I feel truly loved just for being myself. None of that made any difference to her.Now we've been back from my hometown for about a week and I'm noticing myself acting colder towards him. I can't seem to help it, I feel a little awkward when usually I feel so free with him. Should I talk to him about all the things my mom said? I know he can tell there's something on my mind. Also, how can I convince my mom to accept us? No matter what I say it seems to be wrong.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (31 July 2011):
 I would tell him everything. Personally, that's just how I am in my relationship. My fiancee is a big boy, he can handle if my mother is insane. Besides, he should know shouldn't he? He's marrying into it. My fiancee knows all about my seriously messed up, embarrassing father. I think you should continue to share everything with him. He is your life and he should be the person you are closest to from this time on, not your mom. Which is probably why she acts the way she does. Don't push him away. Embrace that that's what he's there for! The rough times, the difficult conflicting feelings, the crazy inlaws! It'll all be okay. Let him be there for you. Share with him. Keeping it in is what's making it hard. Tell your mom you will be marrying him and your relationship with her won't change so not to worry. Tell her you love him and you have decided to accept his "flaws". She will get over it. Don't let her run your life. And talk to your fiancee!!
p.s.- Don't put your mom before your husband. My manager at work complains everyday about his wife who constantly puts her mom before him and his feelings. It's very sad to hear.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2011): Good lord, who cares what your mother thinks?
You're way to old to be listening to her opinions on her relationships. Your mother desperately needs a life outside of YOU and YOUR business.
Stop thinking about what she thinks and just be happy with the guy you have found.
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A
female
reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (30 July 2011):
Honestly I would never tell him what your mom said because that stuff that she says is wrong w/him are the dumbest things I've ever heard and that could scare him away. Btw if anybody is controling anybody its your mom controloing your life. She's already put an affect to the relationship w/u even noticing it. U need to Stop being cold w/him or your gonna ruin it. She has no choice but to get over it and u need to tell her that if your getting married to this. I'm not telling u to stop talking to your mom but stand up for yourself and your fiance.
Btw everybody that comes from a big family has a loud voice that's only normal. Everything that your mom found wrong w/this guy is nonsense!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2011): Your Mom will accept him when you stop needing her approval and acceptance. You're the one marrying him so your the one who has to accept him...not her! This isn't about wet bath mats!!
Your mom is against marriage so don't let her sabotage your chance at future happiness. Stop discussing it with her and be loyal to your future husband or she'll undermine everything. Do you want to be a little girl or a wife? No, don't tell him...handle your business and your mother and protect him. He'd do the same for you!
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (30 July 2011):
 Oh dear your mother hasn't got enough to worry about if she thinks those things are bad. I'm sure given time she will grow to love your man especially when she realises how happy you are with him. Failing that you could always bring home someone who picks his nose, is covered in tatoos, swears profusely, pees on the toilet floor and slaps you when he doesn't agree with you then she would think your man is a god :-)
Seriously though her job with you as her child is done now and she really has no right to impose her thoughts and feelings about your choices on you. Tell her straight up that you love him and will be marrying him and she can either get with the program or leave you alone.
Could be too that she is frightened of losing the closeness you both share.
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