A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not really sure what to do and I need some help. I have no real relationship with anybody in my family due to the fact that when I was 12, I was basically abandoned by them. Yes, I still live with them and and had basic necessities, but I was left alone. My mom chose her then best friend over me, and would make time and energy for everybody else, including my brother, except for me. Even when I tried to talk to her about anything she would tell everybody so she could never keep a secret. My dad couldn't always be there for me due to his work and rotating schedule, but he was there more than anybody else, even if I only saw him once a month or once in six months due to things going on. My brother had just gotten his license, so he was never around and never wanted to talk to his little sister.The summer before I went to college I started seeing someone, and my mom gave me curfews that I had to follow, and if I didn't she would call until I came home. I was 18 and it was really embarrassing. It got even worse when I got serious with a boyfriend during college. He and I ended up dating for 3 years, and it ended because of my mother's controlling ways, he couldn't take it. The only time during that period she was actually a mother to me was when my then boyfriend's mother passed away. Even in that conversation I told my mom this his mother was more of a mother to me and she understood. She's also admitted that she hasn't been there for me for a good chunk of my life and she's really guilty about it. I'll be 25 in a couple of months, and due to the economy, and the fact that I'm still going to school, I unfortunately still live at home. My mom tries to control what I watch and how late I'm out. I was with my boyfriend and we were talking and it got to be late, 2am, my mom got up, saw that I wasn't at home and proceeded to call me, and yell at me like I'm 5 telling me that I have a curfew of midnight and that I don't get to make my own decisions. I can't even spend a weekend away with my boyfriend if I want to, because she wont allow it because its against HER religion. She wants to be apart of my life, but her way is to control mine, and I know it's because she's done somethings in her's that she's regretted doing and is trying to relive that through me. I have no control over my own life. I can't make my own decisions, whether good or bad and learn from it. I don't know how to tell her that I need to live my own life, make my own decisions and take control. She barely listens to me when I do talk to her, or makes the focus of the conversation on her. I don't know how to make her understand what she's doing to me is actually harming me more than she thinks it's helping me and that if she doesn't stop, I will have no relationship with her once I move out or even once I have a family of my own.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2012):
 OP and anon male reader :the OP may be paying several things but she does not mention paying rent, which yes, does a big difference in her position within the family,and her negotiating power, and makes " suck it up " less unhelpful and more practical than it seems at first. Regardless of financial arrangements, though, their house their rules. Maybe they don't want to be awakened by people coming home after midnight. Maybe the mother , being a very religious person, is against extra marital sex and logically refuses to make it any easier and at hand for a member of her own family, living under her own roof. Maybe they are plain weird- it's still their house, their rules ,and the OP she should either move if she can , or stay and be quiet if she cannot. No much sense in spitting in the plate you are eating in, right ?..
Distance- physical distance - would help too, I think, in the attempt to rebuild or repair a parent / child relationship. No easy task, and not necessarily possible or obtainable no matter how much you sweat it. There ARE , after all, bad, selfish,uncaring parents.
But I think that any attempt may be launched only in a position of equality between adults. The OP should be able to say : Mom, so far we had a rocky relationship, we did not get the best out of our bond, we had problems in understanding each other- I want this to change from now on, do you ? How can we try do that, how can we compromise ? If you suggest something and I'll consider it seriously, will you do the same for me ?...
The focus should be on WE have a problem, let's see if together we can fix it. So far it sounds , OP, that you are much stuck in "rebellious teen " mood : and she did not do this,and she owes me that, she never gave me this , she never helped me with that...
Op, this may be your own subjective perception,... or even the absolute factual chilling truth . For all we know , she might have been Mommy Dearest with the coat hanger.
But, you are not going to build much from a base of grudges , resentment and chips on your shoulder, you should be able to unlooad this heavy weight you are carrying, and focus on the CHANGE you want to get, not on that you haven't seen in the past.
And ,trust, people get most defensive and least cooperative when confronted with a long list of accusations about their wrongdoings, and reparations that need to be done BEFORE communication can begin. It just does not work.
I think that before making an attempt of solving your issues- or accept that they can't be solved, and respectfully taking mutual distance- you have to clear a lot of mental spaces, and, yes, expectations about the "right " parents , and I think that living ON YOUR OWN ASAP would help you a lot in this sense.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Apparently no one replying to this post actually read the original statement. She stated clearly that she DOES have a job, paid for her car herself, as well as all of her bills AND tuition. "Suck it up" is not a helpful response, which is what she came here looking for. Her 'unrealistic expectations' have 'poisoned' nothing. And a suggested solution so witless as 'have an adult conversation and work something out' isn't as easy as the poster seems to believe it will be, since that's what the OP is here for advice on IN THE FIRST PLACE.
OP, you may have to accept the fact that your relationship with your mother will never improve. She is the way she is, and her upbringing, religious beliefs and/or state of mind may prevent her from ever seeing you as a fully adult individual. Yet this may change in time, when circumstances are different - such as when you've already moved out, maybe as late as when you've started a family of your own. Maybe not even then.
You have within yourself the ability to overcome this. The resistance you may feel towards that idea might just be fear of something so liberating. Take what steps you need to take to discover who you are - things you may never have tried or encountered before, and observe how you react to them. Some things you may have to get used to, over repeated encounters or attempts. Don't sell yourself short when it comes to exploring who you are - this is a journey that can take some people their entire lives.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2012):
 Maybe sit her down and talk. Tell her IF you NEED me to have a curfew can we at least discuss how late it is? Or talk to your dad, ask him how you best deal with your mom, maybe he has a better understand how her "inner" workings.
But you also mentioned that she doesn't want to listen to you, and honestly I can't see any way to "make" her listen. You can't MAKE her have a good relationship with you either :(
Do you think she is resentful of still having to "take" care of you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni get the whole suck it up thing and that's mostly all anybody is commenting on and not my real question. i asked for help on how to approach her and start a dialogue between the two of us that could possibly resolve the situation, but all anybody seems to care about stating is the obvious and it doesn't help me in any way with the situation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 April 2012):
I had the most loving parents ever, and I left home at 18. I agree that when you love with your parents it is their house their rules, even if the rules are ridiculous.
I think it's about time you move out and leave them behind.
I'm sorry you mom was a crappy mom to you. But at some point you need to leave the resentment behind you or you will have a bitter and unhappy life. Look to the future.
If you can't afford moving out right now, well save up and suck it up. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): Unfortunately i dont think you will ever have the kind of relationship you want to have with your mother. If she hasn't at all in your life, she isn't going to start now. Some people just dont have good relationships with their parents. It might be her house. But you are also an adult. Yes, you abide by certain rules, help pay your way, but for her to yell at you just because it is 2am is unbelievably controlling. At 25 you do not need a curfew. You are old enough to drink, drive, vote and even join the army. My parents never had a problem if i was out late once i got a boyfriend. I was in my early 20's though. If i was going to be out late, i'd let them know. Maybe try that - if you think you are going to be out late, give her a call, let her know. If you want to go for a weekend away with your boyfriend. You CAN.Obviously the most ideal thing you can do is move out. Save up all your money and find some place/friends to move in with. There may be shared acommodation where rent is fairly cheap. And i do think people forget, just because you are 25, doesn't mean you have to 'be on your own'. There are a large amount of young people still living at home because of the high cost of renting. It isn't as easy now as it was5 or 10 years ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I live in their house. I pay my own cell bills, I bought my own car, I pay my own car insurance, I pay for gas and light maintenance on my car, my parents only pay large car repair bills because they did the same for my brother. I have raised myself since I was 12. I have babysat since then, got a job at 15, while playing sports, and have had 2 jobs ever since I was 16, until this past September when I took a full-time position at one of my jobs. I PAY for school. I also pay for a lot of the food that I eat. I very rarely eat at my house. I do have A LOT of resentment towards my mother because she was never there, and I have independence in my life except for what I'm actually allowed to do. I've never done anything to not make them trust me. I've always been respectful and for the most part tell them just about a detailed schedule of what I'm doing just about every day. I get my parents love me and they say they are doing what they are doing because of that, but it seems to be very misguided. The only type of relationship that I want with my mother is one of respect where I can actually talk to her like my mother, and not in the cases where she comes to me for advice because I had to go through a similar shitty situation as her, only I did it by myself with NOBODY to talk to. There are times when I feel like I'm the mom, yet I have no control.I want to be able to come to her when I actually need guidance and help because I'm not sure what to do. But as much as she's said she wants to be in my life, she still isn't there all that much and doesn't seem to want to make an effort to get to know me at all. I JUST WANT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): Her house,her rules.
I still live at home with my mum & she doesn't like any of my friends in the house except two childhood friends & my boyfriend.
She hasn't told me in so many words that she doesn't like it but I know she doesn't so I respect her by only bringing these three people to the house.
Am afraid till you have your own place,you'll just have to cope.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Hi, I know how hard it can be to be in this situation. My parents were like this when I was younger. My Dad was especially controlling and strict, although a lovely man who wanted the best for me. I tried everything I knew, and then one day I got the courage to actually have an adult conversation with them and I was honest with them. What I told them was this,I know you love me and you want to protect me and for me to have the best life that I can, and I really do appreciate that, I love you for it. The fact is that I will make mistakes in life everyone does, and that is how we all learn. I know your protecting me because you love me, but isn't it better that I make mistakes now and learn from them now while your still here to guide me when I need it, then for me to not make mistakes and be at a total loss at how to deal with life when your no longer on this earth and I have no-one to turn to? I am not going to go out into the world and do stupid things, I just want a bit of trust and support."It did work for me with my parents, once they had time to process what I said, and then show them that your respectful and considerate of their feelings and that you are living in their house. If you will be later than expected, ring them and say I am sorry but I am going to be a bit late for whatever the reason is at the time. All you need is communication and to show them you are capable of acting as an adult. Don't cut your Mum out of your life over this, it may seem unfair to you what they do, but they do it out of love. Hope this helps. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 April 2012):
 I do not believe that you will ever have the relationship with your parent that you believe you should have. Parents naturally want to guide and protect their children. They do not offer unconditional support of every decision. They are whole people who have other interests. Your unrealistic expectations have poisoned your relationship.
BTW I agree that 25 is a good age to be on your own.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Yes, that's got to be hard.....unfortunately, you are going to have to suck it up and deal until you can find a way to live on your own.As others mentioned, if there is a will, there is a way.You are craving independence, which at your age you should have... stop complaining about it and find a solution... Get a job...you are young, you can handle it....lots of people go to school, have a FT job and a family...it's tough, but often worth it in the end, look at the college websites/bulletin boards for students looking for roomates.Does she have any other hold over you right now? Besides providing a roof over your head, and food in your belly with no real bills.... who's car are you driving? Who's paying your insurance and gas? Who's paying for your college education? Who pays for your cell phone? ....If you are primarily being completely taken care of by your mother...you have a lot of work to do, but if it's important enough to you, then you will work hard to figure it out....don't sever the relationship with your Mom over this, she is doing the best she can with what she knows...get out, make your own way and let it go...one day she will be gone....it's pointless to hold onto the resentment. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do have a full-time job in addition to going to school full-time. Also, I don't make enough money to cover rent in the area that I live in. And I would move in with my best friend but she moved across the country 4 months ago. And my boyfriend and I have considered getting a place together but even both of us pulling our money together we don't have the money to cover rent, and neither one of us really have any friends to pull together to be able to rent a place. So sorry, I am stuck in this situation for at least another year. It'd be more helpful to get response on maybe how to approach her to get her to possibly see my side, especially when my brother whose 5 years older than me still lives at home and doesn't have the same restrictions as I do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2012):
 find a couple of friends and rent a place.
her house
her rules...
I know that the economy is bad but I know lots of kids that band together to rent a place.... males and females as friends...
you will eventually have a relationship with your mom... time (and grandbabies) are a great healer.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Until you move out you have no other option than to obey her rules. At 25 I think it's high time you were on your own. Cut down on your class load so you can get a part-time job and get your own place. Where's a will there's a way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Its her house and you have to live by her rules. There is always a way to get out the house and make your own life. People do it every day. I believe if you want something anf work hard enough you can get anything you want. If your not happy find a job after school and at weekends work your ass off and leave for your own place. Find a roomate to half the bills.
A lot of people do it I had to do it too and I know you can if you work hard enough. Now its not easy. Not at all but it can be done. Also at 25 you should have left a long time ago anyway. Speak to your mum ask if she can be a bit more flexible and understanding. Have an adult conversation with her and work something out.
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