A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so ive been meeting and sort of casually seeing a guy now for about 4 months, call us friends with benefits if you like, but we like each other.. we were texting last night, rather sexual messages, we werent having phone sex or anything, but the conversation got a little heated haha. Also at the same time, i was texting my best friend, mine and her sexual past was brought into it, buy he ho thats life haha. Anyway, i got up this morning, went downstairs and made a drink and id left my phone in my bedroom, i went back up and got in the shower and my mum had been in my bedroom and gone through my texts! She had read every single one of them, she went ballistic! Started yelling at me about how much of a slag i am! Told me she was discraced! I let her have her rant and i went to my room, shes found out about 4 guys that ive slept with! And about this guy ive been meeting, shes stopped me from going out today and refuses to let me have boyfriends from now on! apparently. She asked me the first time i had sex, i lied and told her i was 16. Maybe i shouldnt of lied.. But she was angry enough! Im 18 years old.. I lost my virginity a few days before my 15th birthday, yeah i admit im no angel, ive had 11 sexual partners, 2 of which where one night stands, im not proud, but im not ashamed, nor do i regret my past! Ive been on the pill for years, and 99% of the time i use protection too! Do you think my mum has over-reacted? Will she come round? Should i approach her? Do i talk to her? Am i a slag like she says?! I really didnt want to hurt her but she snooped! Any advice greatful for! Thanks x
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 In partial agreement with the previous poster, I think your mom had a knee-jerk reaction to facing the fact that your are an adult with an adult sex life, and not just her cute pure little angel. This is something that she knew rationally, but had not quite grasped emotionally- it's a mother thing :)
Anyway, mothers tend to yell and freak out not because they are angry but because they are anxious and afraid. I would say that your mom may have some cause for concern.
11 sex partners in 3 years, including one night stands and your current FWB relationship... makes you wonder.
Of course any mature , experienced woman is entitled to choose how to live her sex life. Some women have a strong sexual appetite, or love the excitement of variety, or are able to separate sex from feelings etc., whatever the reason they choose to be - I don't even like the word "promiscuous", it's too judgemental, - let's say "experimental ".
But, in general, that's really not the case with teenagers. With them, a variety of partners often shows an inner fragility, an anxious search for validation and appreciation from the outside, an inclination to yield to peer pressure.In short, self worth and self esteem issues. Sex is the only way they know to feel that they are good enough.
( You will note that I say "in general " and "often ". You may be an exception, but your mom would not know ).
In this light ,your mom's reaction is not so extreme. At some level, she thinks "what's wrong with my daughter ? Why does she need to do that ?... Is it MY fault ?" Those are troubling thoughts, and are difficult to verbalize,...so yelling it's easier :)
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