A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im currently in a 'happy relationship' but recently my ex keeps coming in to my trail of thoughts.... but my main question is that do i tell my current about my past,since he doesnt know nothing about it, or do i not?iv had 2 miscarriages one termination with my last partner, he used and abused me and left me to pick up the pieces!iv been with my current for over 6months and too afraid to tell him all that esp considerin the culture me n him are from!please help!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): thanks for the advice yet again x
firstly contraception was used, but as we were so young... u can imagine how uneducated and unexperienced we were! nevertheless... my current guy, doesnt say he wants a virgin, but thats the impression iv gotten from him...but i havent lied to him, coz every time its ever mentioned...rarely... i just divert the convo completely...and his told me his a virgin only coz i asked out of curiosity, but he hasnt really thot to ask me!
and there are times where he has said to me that 'this is it,our past is our past...we're our future'...but im aware how the past does get opened esp if ur from a small community and everyone tends to know everyone! This is really hard!
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 January 2011):
 oh dear! so he knows nothing at all then? this has definitely got to be YOUR call (sorry, that's not helpful) but will try and give you a few thoughts, have you lied to him and told him you haven't had sex with anyone else? has he told you that he insists on a virgin or are you just guessing that a virgin is what he wants because he is one? if you be open and honest with him NOW it will be better than if he finds out in the future or if you decide to admit it in the future. if other people know about these events, secrets can get out, even if no one tells him directly it could get back to him. your previous pregnancies will be on your medical record and in the event of any future pregnancies your midwives and obstetrician will have to have this information on their files, now, medical personell are duty bound to do all they can to protect your privacy and confidentiality, even from your husband but as you can imagine, again, secrets can get out.
look, if he was just a boyfriend i would say no, he maybe doesn't need to know all the gory details about your past, but as you are seriously considering marrying him, that makes it different does't it? looks like its gonna be a case of hurt him now or hurt him (and make him feel tricked) later. you know, none of this makes you a bad person (as far as my culture is concerned anyway) you have just done what plenty of people do, just got involved with the wrong man (your ex) and made some bad choices (no contraception?) that doesn't make you wicked and i hope your current boyfriend can see that. on the flip side, maybe you could leave the past where it is, let your boyfriend be happily unaware of it and then the only person it hurts is you coz it'll be your secret that burdens only you
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): hi, its me.. i really appreciate ur responses, but basically, i know his views on them, he wants to be with a girl that hasnt been around.. and i havent..iv only slept wit one and his the one iv fallen pregnant with 3 times! and i know it will hurt him! really bad! ..but in his eyes... i know he will see me to be used goods... and he will feel insecure! .. esp coz his still a virgin! so u can only expect him to wana be with a virgin too! and he doesnt know that im not! its soo messed up! most of my friends and family that know (very limited) are telln me not to tell him coz he dont need to know as he will get hurt! but im scared he maight hear it from someoone else and id rather him to hear it from me! and wer both are planning a future together, considering marriage in a few years!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 January 2011):
hi
difficult situation this in any culture i think, so you've been with him six months, that does not give him the right to know everything about you, but if you do stay with him and get more involved, in the future if he finds out anything or you decide to tell him he might then be angry and hurt that you didn't tell him before. what is it that you are most worried about telling him? what exactly is it that you don't want him to know? the fact that you were with the last man, the fact that you had sex with him? the termination? the miscarriages? (and were they also when you were with that ex or someone else?)do you think he will not forgive any of those things? do you know his views on such things already? i dont know which culture you are from and what is expected of you as a woman so i don't know how serious the consequences will be if you tell him these things. it is admirable that you want to be perfectly honest but can he handle these truths? the things you have mentioned have not been your choices, except the termination - (and i am not judging you on this, coz i don't even know your reasons)- and nobody can feel worse about the termination than you yourself do. you know, in a perfect world, no one would lie, but the world isn't perfect. i would learn from my mistakes and leave the past in the past if it was me
xx
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 The question is, how much do you trust your new partner, do y ou trust him enough to confide this information to. In your culture is termination frowned upon? Information this sensitive could cause a lot of problems for you. But then if you can see yourself going a bit further down the line with him you may have to let him know in case it causes problems in the future and he could be angry you didnt tell him. What I'm saying is, you need to know him well enough to disclose this extremely sensitive information. Does anyone else who knows your partner know of your history, could he get to hear it from someone else. If so, then you'd may be have to let him know from you. If this guy thinks a lot about you then he will understand what you went through, but like i say, it's down to you to weigh up the situation and feel you know him well enough to take it all on board.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Well if it is eating you up inside and you feel like you need to talk to someone about it then yes you are best talking to your current boyfriend about it. But if you feel like you can brush it under the carpet then dont tell him.
It really just depends on how you feel, but just because you are in a certain culture that has certain beliefs doesnt mean that he will judge you if he is a good man then he will be there to listen to you and comfort you, you have went through a lot of trauma and it would be good if you spoke to someone if not your boyfriend then maybe someone else even its unhealthy to bottle things up if it is going to affect your life.
Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, x.BrokenxHearts.x +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Only tell him if you really WANT to not just because you feel you HAVE to.
If you think you can trust him with this information and are willing to tell him then do it but don't feel obliged to.
They are YOUR secrets nobody else's.
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