A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi readers,I'm typing this, hoping to seek great advice from anybody/everybody. I am 19yrs. old, living with my little brother and mother. My parents are separated. My father does not live with us, although he does live fairly close to us. My issue is that my mom is having an affair with her boss (whom may I add is married with children; one who is just born). I know this for a fact because I have driven by my house, and witnessed him walking inside my house. My mom does not know I know this. Almost every weekend, she would give me money to buy food that she ordered from various restaurants and claims they are for her "friends". She will always warn me, "my friends are coming over tonight, so don't come home until I call you". I once questioned her why my brother and I weren't able to stay home while her "friends" were over. She told me "because I don't want you to see us drinking. This hurts me because I know it's all a big lie. I know it hurts my little brother as well because he knows what's going on too. Sometimes when we aren't allowed to come home, my brother and I would find places to just hang out and stay (like my grandma's house or the mall..) There has been times where we had no where to go and I just drove around my town until we were told we could go home. I wonder sometimes why I don't just confront her about it. I guess I'm scared? I don't know. But then I think about her boss' family and how much they'd get hurt from all of this. It's horrible. I don't know what to do..?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): Hello Agony Aunts,
I would just like to thank all of you who took the time to read my question/situation. I also appreciate all of your advice, and would just like to mention that I have just confronted my mother about everything tonight. It's such a shame that she denied everything. I don't know what else to do..
Thank you all!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Hun, best thing is to discuss with your mother about this. Do not reveal this to anybody and you should solve it yourself. Be patient. Do not get into arguments. Do not lose your temper while talking to her. Whatever it is, remember that she's your mother. You must be a good girl. Yes, talk to her straight away. God bless you!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Why can't you and your brother live with your father?
Depending upon the legal terms (if any), of your parent's separation, your mom may or may not be violating the terms.
Remember it takes two to tango, so her boss is just as guilty as she is. He's continuing the affair behind his family's back. There's nothing you can do about that part. As bad as it sounds, it's not really your business.
The biggest issue is your mother making you and your brother stay out while she has a night in with her boss!! That is appalling. Although I know you're only 19, it's time to stand up for what's right. Confront your mother and tell her the gig is up, what you don't appreciate is her kicking you guys out so that they can have a romantic evening together. Also tell her that you and your brother will stay put and not be leaving the next time he comes over.
Eventually I would talk to your father about moving in with him, because your mother doesn't appear to be the greatest role model.
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A
female
reader, shalley  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 This is so pathetic.i can imagine how you feel.i think you have to be very patient about this situation so that you dont take the wrong step.first, walk up to her and tell her you know about all her tricks,and that you are not happy knowing that she lies to u.try to advice her to stop this as it could bring disgrace to her if everyone knows about this.if she appologises,then that fine but if she does'nt i think you should report to your grandma.take care dearie.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Do you have reliable grand parents or an Aunt you can contact if your father is not available?
I am sure you would have talked to your Dad if you had enough trust in him. He would be the next best person to contact, is he is reliable and available to care for you both
What your Mom is doing is selfish and unacceptable.
You are 19 but your brother is younger? How much younger?
Your Mom should not be excluding you both in the way she has been doing.
Your Mom has a first priority - namely her children. Not her lover.
Your Mom is likely to lose her job if she steps out of line with her boss, so she is certainly skating on thin ice. What she is doing is not smart.
Without doubt your Mom would probably not even care if you did confront her and would continue to tell you lies.
I cannot see that you need to leave the home. Sit yourselves down and watch TV and put up with her ranting and raving.
It would certainly put a dampener on the developing relationship.
And even if you could afford to leave home I can see how responsible you are - you would not want to leave your younger brother alone and lonely with your Mom cavorting all over town when it suited her.
I do hope you can get some good support to help you with this.
Your Mom is responsible for caring for the child (your brother) in her care. In your case she is treating you as the unpaid available babysitter and showing you and your brother no respect.
Start saving now so that you can afford to leave home. Later you and your brother could even share an appartment.
Wishing you all the best with this sad problem
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Hi,
I felt so sad reading your column. You are so young to be dealing with this kind of situation. As you know all so well, when parents separate or divorce not only affect them, but the whole family, including the children. I feel so sorry for you, your brother and this mans family.
I know this is difficult, because she's your mom and you love her. It's very hurtful that she lies to you. She's your mom, she's supposed to set example, guide you, support you, love you unconditionally, yet she continues doing knowing is wrong. I guess you know now that your mom is not perfect?
This is a delicate situation, talking to the wrong people can cause harm. My opinion, I think would be best If you confront your mom. Wait for the right time, right mood and tell her that you know. Tell her how you feel, that you don't agree, you are uncomfortable and this hurt you deeply.
Hope you can solve this with your mom in a civil matter. I hope your mom stops before it's too late. Please, be safe when you are out with your little brother. Always look around and never talk or follow strangers. Doesn't matter how nice, honest they look, trust no one, ok?
Pls, let's us know how you are doing, hope this helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): have those agony aunts gone on vacation? Why haven't u answered recently asked questions? please help this girl. i am speechless. i don't know wat to say to her
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Is there a reason why you cant go to your father's? Driving your little brother around town or hanging out at the mall is not good for either of you.
Does your grandma know what is going on? Can you ask her to have a word with your mother, or your father could perhaps suggest your mother's boss pay for a hotel room rather than kicking the kids out their home while he is there.
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