A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I wrote about this a while back but I'm still so confused. I'm in my mid 20s and still live at home (my family and I immigrated to the US and I support them financially).I've been with my boyfriend for a few months and the other weekend slept over at his house. He lives with a friend. When I came home the next day my mom refused to speak to me and was really angry.The other day she started speaking to me again and told me that what I did is so shocking to her that she will never get over it. She said that although I'm an adult and she can't stop me from doing what I want, she is so disappointed in me and thought she'd raised me better. She says that I haven't known him long (it's been 5mths) and that I shouldn't be sleeping in a house with men just like that.I didn't say much to her as I didn't know what to say...I was just confused that she would be this upset. She made me feel so guilty and so dirty about something that most people don't even see as wrong.Now I don't know what to do. I know I'm old enough to do what I want but I do still live at home and I can't deal with her being upset and hurt. I also can't move out just now so I'm a little stuck. She seems to think that engagement or something like that should be on the cards if I was to sleep and live with a man but I don't believe in that. She makes me feel so guilty and I hate it. I want to enjoy this time in my life and my bf is an amazing guy but I'm having so many problems at home. I almost feel like things with him won't work out because of this situation. I feel torn between two worlds and don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Like the 1st response, parents are rarly happy when their daughters have sex. Also, depending on where you immigrated from the cultural stigma of having sex outside of marriage can be greater than where you are living now.
Having recently traveled in the middle east and asia, many families there would disown you at this point. Not saying that's right or wrong. Just an observation. It sounds like in this case your mother is disappointed and you know it. You're in charge of your life and free to have sex or not have sex. You can't tell your mother to be happy about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Look, you don't owe her an explanation.... go out on Fridays, say "see you Sunday" and then don't fill them in on where you are... they need to respect your privacy.
Your sex life is your business... theirs is theirs... she has ZERO right to comment, judge, shame...
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (17 December 2009):
 If her actions really upset you, then don't sleep with your boyfriend anymore.
Kind of unreasonable, right? But I'm just trying to make a point. The only way that you'll please your mother is to do exactly what she thinks is best for you. Seeing as you aren't willing to do that, you'll just have to deal with her feelings on your choices. I know you say "most" people are more understanding, but these are your parents. No reasonable mother likes to think of her daughter sleeping with a boyfriend. Sure you get those 'friend' moms who trade sex tips, but I have always thought that was rather immature and anti productive as far as parenting is concerned.
You are in your twenties, you know the risk of having sex, and you are in charge of your decisions. If you want to sleep with your boyfriend, then do it. Just know that you have no control over other people, and how your mom feels and how she reacts is just yet another consequence. I'm in the same boat you are in. I live with my parents and they know what happens when I see my boyfriend at his place. They hate it. The don't approve, and they are disappointed. But it's my choice and they just have to deal, and I certainly don't blame them for not liking it. They have every right not to.
So if you continue to have sex, just know that your parents will never like the idea. With time the resentment might fade a bit, but I wouldn't let it effect your relationship with your boyfriend. That's a little extreme. Best of luck to you.
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