A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My Mum is 46 years old but I feel like she’s gone off the rails ever since she divorced my Dad. The way she’s been behaving lately I almost feel embarrassed to call her my Mum.She was with my Dad for 31 years since she was 15 and had four daughters with him. I’m the youngest. My Mum had my eldest sister when she was just 16, the next at 18 and the third at 21. When I was born she was only 25. Even though she had us all really young she brought us up really well and had always been a brilliant Mum. Her relationship with my Dad was generally good as well; they had their ups and downs like most couples but there was never a point growing up where I thought they were ever in a bad place. Last August though she walked out on my Dad suddenly. We were all shocked as none of us saw it coming. She admitted she couldn’t stand being with him anymore and was really unhappy. Even though it was hard for all of us to accept and our Dad was absolutely heartbroken, none of us held it against her and couldn’t deny she had a right to be happy.But that’s when things changed. Barely 3 weeks after leaving my Dad she got with another bloke she used to work with. She was adamant nothing had happened between them whilst she was with my Dad but none of us believed her as one of my sisters snooped on her Facebook account and found a load of flirty messages between them dating back years. Some huge rows followed and my Dad even went to confront the other bloke and they had a small fight. The whole atmosphere within our family had become really toxic and horrible. None of us accepted my Mum’s new man but she chose to stick to her guns and stay with him. Almost every day they were posting selfies together on Facebook, lots with them kissing as well which was absolutely cringe-worthy. I ended up deleting her as a friend because more than anything it just felt like they were rubbing my Dad’s nose in it. This was all barely a month after she walked out on him.Things seemed to calm down a lot towards Christmas and we were slowly beginning to accept the situation but then my Mum went and spoiled it by announcing on Christmas Day that she and her new man had gotten ENGAGED after barely 4 months together. The divorce from our Dad hadn’t even been finalised yet. We were all furious and couldn’t believe she’d pick that day of all days to announce it. It literally ruined all our Christmas’. Not only that but she also said that she was moving out of the rented house me and her had moved into after she left my Dad to go and live with her new fiancé. It meant I was now left high and dry to pay the rent and all the other bills on my own. I do work but only earned minimum wage so it would’ve left me completely skint. It did work out for me in the end though because I ended up moving out as well and living with two of my friends in their rented house.Really I didn’t even need to bother because within a few weeks she broke up with him! All of a sudden she decided she didn’t actually love him so moved back out and into the rented house. Whilst we were relieved as we all knew their relationship was a joke and they’d completely rushed into everything, it only encouraged my Mum to start being promiscuous. She began hooking up with random men for casual sex. I caught one of them leaving her house and he looked like he lived on the streets. Now she was seeing a different man every other day. Not only was she sleeping with a load of scruffs but also some really downright horrible and even dangerous men. She said one man got really angry with her because she wasn’t doing oral the way he wanted and ended up getting his phone out and putting porn on to show her how to do it! The most disgusting thing about it though was that she wasn’t having safe sex with any of them. No condoms, no contraception. When she confessed that she had to go and get the Morning After Pill after one of her ‘encounters’ my older sisters forced her to go on the contraceptive pill. This was after she downright refused to use condoms, purely because she thinks they’re a mood-killer. She wasn’t worried at all about catching an STI and kept forgetting to take her pill as well. I ended up going with her to a Sexual Health Clinic after she started getting burning sensations whenever she urinated, but thankfully she was all clear and it was a simple water infection. Her behaviour though was just unbelievable. It was like she was an out of control teenager and me and my sisters were acting like HER Mum.Then she met another bloke and quickly got into a relationship with him. Again they completely rushed into things. They met in early March this year and a few weeks later when the UK went into lockdown because of the virus she chose to move in with him and his two grown up sons. We only got to meet him for the first time in early June by which point she’d been living with him for almost 6 weeks. To be honest he was a complete and utter sleaze-ball who had no filter when it came to talking. Even though he was in early fifties he’d take any opportunity he could to make a sex joke. He freely admitted to me and my other sister that his son walked in on him and my Mum having sex on the living room sofa as well (Thankfully we weren’t sat on it at the time). I don’t understand why he thought we’d have wanted to know that but he just found it hilarious, as did my Mum! As far as his sons go, I don’t think they even know what time of day it is most of the time as they’re both complete stoners who don’t work and just laze about all day. The whole house stinks of weed and my Mum admitted she joins in smoking it with them regularly.Here’s the worst thing though; apparently they’re trying for a baby. Yep. I’m not even kidding. My 46 year old Mum is trying for a baby with a bloke she’s only been with for 4 months who lives in a house that stinks of weed. We only found out by chance as well. One of my older sisters bumped into her outside a supermarket and she was literally stood with a pregnancy test in her hand. At first she said it wasn’t for her but my sister didn’t believe it at all. In the end she admitted she was over a week late. She took the test but it was negative and then her period started a few days later. Still, we were all less than impressed. We ended up confronting her about the whole situation and she said she kept forgetting to take her pill and decided it was pointless even being on it so she stopped taking it altogether. We pointed out the obvious risk she was taking as she’s 99% certain she hasn’t been through the menopause yet but she just said ‘whatever happens, happens’ and that another baby would be 'nice'. Her boyfriend has pretty much the same attitude as well. When I was at their house a few weeks ago for a Chinese takeaway he used the phrase ‘baby-making’ instead of sex over and over again.I didn’t take it seriously at the time because as far as I knew my Mum was ‘done’ with looking after kids. All of my sisters have kids of their own but my Mum only sees them every now and then. Sometimes she can go weeks without seeing any of them. One of the reasons she left my Dad was because wanted to experience being a single woman for the first time, yet the way she’s going she’ll end up being tied down with another baby before long, just like she was at 16. I don’t know what is going through her head at the moment. I know most of you will probably scream full blown mid-life crisis at me but I think she’s genuinely losing her mind. Her judgment just absolutely stinks. I honestly couldn’t cope if she ended up pregnant given what is going on in the world right now. But what can I do? She’s like an out of control teenager but the reality is she’s a grown woman and can do what she wants. Advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2020): There really is nothing you can do to change her behavior. Maybe she likes the drama?
One thing you can do is strongly urge her to look into getting an IUD. They are much safer now and you don't have to remember to do much if anything.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): It sounds like your mom is, as you say trying to make up for lost time but she also sounds frantic. Measure and reason have been tossed aside as she goes from o e whim to another.
She probably feels or thinks that she had enough of measure and reason in her married life but measure and reason give a person gut instinct and common sense. I hope this does not offend but she does not seem to have either now as she looks for happiness outside of herself.
Long time single people often note this in our newly single friends who leave a long marriage and learn home truths that we figured out at a much younger age.
I agree with the other posters here that there is little or nothing you can do for her at this point. If she does not want to address what is going on there is not much you can do. I would also suspect that she knows in her heart of hearts that she is making poor choices. What was her marriage like. You describe her as a brilliant mom.
Sadly her poor choice has led her to this current man who seems to have little respect for her. I can empathize...if that was my mom I would be heartbroken.
Here is my take on what you could try moving forward. Select someone in the family with a good relationship with your mom which sounds like you. Gently and even with humor start to query some of her choices but watch that you dont antagonize her. As for her current boyfriend I would make a subtle remark like...what charm school did he go to or jokingly tell her she is becoming a serious threat to your happiness. You are getting your point across but with humor.
She does seem to need counseling. I am not a trained health professional so beyond that I dont know. She also needs a good checkup by your gp....thyroid...that kind of thing.
Sleeping with different men is no crime. There is a double standard for women for sure but my concern is that she only has to hook up with one that could spell tragedy.
This is heartbreaking. I hope your mom finds her way back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): OP, let me first say how sorry I am, for what your dad, and you four girls are going thru! Wise Owl mentioned mental illness and a potential institutional commitment, for your mom, and I agree with him. You mom is a clear and present danger to herself and potentially her baby, should she become pregnant! Her behavior is manic, and just completely over the top. Find your voice OP, when moms creep bf makes sexual remarks in your presense, and tell him not to disrespect you by speaking that way and not to disrespect your mom, who is making crude jokes about! If he tries to pass it off as a joke, inform him that it is no joking matter to be trying to impregnate a 46yr old woman, just for kicks, with potential birth defects, and a likely abortion, because they do not like condoms and mom has gone too silly to take one pill a day! If she does have a baby, and keeps the child, I hope you realise that the child protective authorities will have to remove the child from the home, and declare mom an unfit mother!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): Sweetheart, I'm really sorry about what you and your family are going through. It seems your mother has been a mother since she was herself a child; and has now hit middle-age, and having somewhat of a middle-aged crisis.
She is approaching menopause, and has gone a little out of her mind; because she may have looked back on her life, and feels she has missed everything that you and your sisters got to enjoy. Being teenagers and having a childhood. She may have made some rash decisions earlier-on in life that are finally catching-up with her. Please don't cut her off just yet. There's something wrong, and I attribute it to her mental-health.
If your mother got pregnant at 15, that's an indication she has always been rebellious. She is dead-set on making up for lost-time, and recapturing her lost teenage-years. It might also be possible that she suffers from depression; and may have anxiety-issues that are symptomatic of underlying mental-illness. Being "out-of-control" and the sexual-promiscuity is another indication she needs a psychiatric-evaluation. It seems as though she just snapped!
This is quite traumatic for you; and words are not enough to comfort someone your age, witnessing her own mother going through such a crisis. It's likely at some point she will tire of the relationship with this last guy; and he will likely dump her, if she does get pregnant. I don't think a man in his 50's wants to become a father; and saddled-down with a woman behaving like your mother at her age. He's just there for the fun; until the novelty wears-off, and she will by that time have worn herself out. You can only keep-up such a whirlwind-pace; if you are actually a teenager, which she is clearly not.
Take good care of yourself, but keep checking on your mother. Make sure she doesn't hurt herself, and if worse comes to worse; you, your sisters, and your dad may have to consider having her committed for psychiatric treatment. Her behavior is unhealthy, and she doesn't seem to be using any judgment, and acting on impulse. Drugs aren't helping, and hopefully she is well-past child-bearing. From your description, it would seem that she is not mentally-stable enough to be caring for a baby. I recommend you don't go to the house alone, always take someone with you. There's too much going-on, and the guy is too vulgar for you to be around by yourself; should you happen to come-around, and your mum isn't there.
This is one of those situations where she has to hit rock-bottom to come to her senses; or end-up in a mental-hospital.
Don't expect her relationship to stabilize; because he isn't going to be able to handle her erratic-behavior for very long. If she can't regain control over her behavior, she's going to become too much of a handful for even her present boyfriend. Let's hope she doesn't get pregnant. That would be quite awful. She is an adult, and you and your sisters can only support her as family; should things get really bad. You cannot be her mother. If she left home at 15, she is not one to be held-down once she decides to break-loose. You have to let this whole thing run its course, or she will likely end-up in the hospital anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): Your mother could be reliving her youth but I have thought of something else.Has your mom had a checkup lately?I say this because maybe she had a small stroke.When someone acts so different than normal that could be a sign of stroke.I had a stroke at 51.That same month my sister in law had one.A month later a friend did.A stroke can be serious.It can change the person personality.Have your mom get a checkup.Do it now.I would not even worry about all the other stuff until you rule this very real possibility out.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (10 July 2020):
 I could be way off but it almost sounds like your mom is going through the midlife crisis or even possibly starting menopause. Either of this events would sort of explain what is going on with her. I will also say that she may have just woke up one day and decided she was unhappy was getting older and didn't want to live this way anymore.
Some of her behavior I understand to a point. When I was 40, I left my marriage of 16 years. My husband had become an alcoholic, life wasn't pleasant and both of my children were almost adults. I couldn't take it anymore there was no love left on my part. I left and started to live again..doing things I had never done before. I felt FREE. I dated ALOT. Didn't sleep with but dated alot because I had been basically married since I was 19, had kids and had never had the fun that most of my friends had. Looking back on it, I don't regret it.
My mother in law and my mom both lost their husbands of over 50 years when they were in their early 70s. Both of their behaviors REALLY shocked the family. Both started showing great interest in men (I am talking less than 3 months after their husband died). They both started dressing up and sort of going "Man crazy". I don't know if its just that they realized they were free or they had been unhappy for so long.
Try and support your mother if you can. She's obviously going through something. Continue to be there for her but let her know that she needs to be careful and smart. Her judgment appears to be almost non existent right now. There honestly isn't much you can do except hope that she will see what she is doing and dial back on the sexual escapes.
Be there for your dad. He must really be lost. I am sorry for your whole family. This is really sad. Lets hope she wakes up and takes stock of what she is doing but unless she does something really insane I'm afraid none of you can do much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): Your mum is trying to live out her carefree teenage years that she didn’t have the chance to experience.
Not that ANY of this is acceptable. She is going about everything the wrong way completely. Sounds like you and your sisters have become the parents and she is the child.
BUT it is NOT your job to parent her. If she wants to go around ruining her life. Then unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it. She is an adult at the end of the day (in age anyway).
Your mum will tire of it eventually. Her kids are adults now and is is a single woman - she sees this as her chance to be a teenager again. She will find it unfulfilling and realise what a silly child she has been.
You are giving her what she wants trying to ‘parent her’. She is enjoying the attention. Living out her fantasy.
I would distance myself from her and let her make her silly mistakes. No amount of you trying to help is actually going to change anything. Even though I understand you worry.
She sounds depressed to me.
She will realise that this is not a fulfilling life and she will miss her family.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 July 2020):
 Wow. Just wow. I was reading your post and shaking my head in sadness and horror. I am so sorry your family - and your mum - are going through this. I add your mum to that because it sounds like she is truly off the rails and doesn't know what she wants.
The start of your post sounded quite "normal". By that I mean that your mum had never had chance to be a carefree teenager and, now that you and your sisters are adults, had decided it was her time to be herself instead of someone's wife or mother. Even rushing into a relationship with a guy who had obviously been waiting in the wings for a while sounded par for the course, as did the frantic pace of the relationship up to the point of burn-out. However, what has been happening since then is very concerning and I can only imagine how you and your sisters are feeling.
You already know you cannot control your mother, who is (we assume) of sound mind (although it may not seem so at the moment). It sounds (to me) like she is deeply unhappy and unfulfilled and desperately seeking something to fill that void in her life.
I think the more you and your sisters show your disapproval, the less likely she is to open her eyes and realize what she is doing to herself and to her family. As you have rightly noticed, she is behaving like an out of control teenager. Childish as it seems, she will kick back against your disapproval to prove she can do what she wants.
In your shoes I would try to be strong enough not to criticize her choices, dreadful as they seem, and would limit contact to telling her how much you care for her and how worried you are about her. The more you criticize, the more her latest squeeze will be her "escape" and the more rigidly she will stick to him. Try to welcome him so that she can see him interacting with her whole family and so she can work out for herself he is not right for her.
Also, when he makes sexual comments in front of you, I would politely but firmly say something like "Please don't say things like that. This is my mother you are talking about. Your comments make me uncomfortable."
I do hope your mother manages to find whatever is missing in her life before she does more harm to her whole family. However, ultimately, she is an adult and entitled to make her own mistakes. Worst case scenario, you and your sisters are going to need to distance yourselves a little from her and allow her to live her life as she chooses. Don't forget to support your dad through all this.
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