A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok so my mom found out 2 weeks ago that my boyfriend and i had sex. and ever since then she has treated me like crap or worse and i cant to talk to her i just cant its too hard for me and my boyfriend wont talk to me until i do and i tried and failed and havent stoppped crying since and my mom doesnt care enough about me im just ready to give up and dont know what to do i need help please Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 August 2008):
 Okay, take a deep breath, and relax. You're going to live through this, it isn't the end of the world.
My advice to you is to look at this through your mother's eyes, I think that will be the best way for you to approach this topic with her. Try to put yourself in her shoes and imagine all the things that are running through her mind right now.
Your mother is probably struggling to deal with the shocking news that her young (in her eyes) baby is having sex! I expect this is not what she hoped for you; there are so many cases of teen pregnancy and of course heartbreak with break ups not to mention STDs. You didn't say if she was religious but this could be a factor too.
She's probably feeling that she somehow failed you; that she didn't stress the importance of waiting to have sex, when you're older and able to deal with the issues surrounding it as an adult. You are having sex, so start acting like an adult, crying and not being able to discuss it aren't a great sign.
She's sad that your childhood is in effect over; you are done with the little girly things and she will be mourning that loss. It's probably a really devastating one for her too.
It reminds her that she herself is growing older, since her baby is old enough for sex! That's never a pleasant thought for any woman. Trust me.
This is something that is undoable. You are no longer a virgin, and certain cultures place a premium on that state. She may be really conservative and you've now lowered your standards and can't ever go back.
Don't take this personally, I'm not saying that you are like this, but it seems to me that most teenagers are very me-focused, that is to say rather narrow in their perspective. Life is all about them, no one else has EVER had these kinds of feelings, no one could EVER understand what that teen is going through, it's a case of extremes. (I'm exaggerating for effect here.) It's a rare teen who can actually understand and empathize with her (or his) parents. So if you take the time to look at this from her side, then approach that talk with her with your new-found understanding of your mother, you might find things go a lot better. You could say, "Mom, I've been thinking about how this news of mine has affected you." And then go from there, showing her that you do understand her side. Naturally, you're going to have to be able to articulate the reasons why you chose this path and also demonstrate that you ARE being an adult by taking care of your health by using birth control that protects you from STDs and pregnancy.
If you approach her as an adult, with the ability to see her side of things, you're halfway there. This is all part of growing up. No mother wants to know that her daughter is sexually active before she's really ready for it. So demonstrate that you are, and that you are adult enough to discuss it calmly as an adult would.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): The reason she's so upset is because she cares! In america the legal age is 18 right? she properly wanted you to wait till then and most properly, that been the best thing to do
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): She'll get over it.
You're 16, in most countries thats old enough to move out on your own without any interference from the law.
If you are gonna have sex in America at your age (like most do) then for pete's sake keep it to yourself better.
Flymnn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): Well I'm not entirely sure what your mom's reason for being so upset is (religious, attachment to you, feeling of loss of innocence, or just worried about you getting pregnant) but whatever it is you need to talk to her, and you need to make a stand of some kind. You need to tell her that what's done is done and that there's nothing she or anyone else can do to change it. Ask her why it upsets her so much and then explain to her how you feel about the situation. You need to discuss this with her because there's no way that you will ever get past this unless you do. Just go up to her and blurt it out, "I want to talk about this." I know it can be daunting but you need to make a stand or you will never get past this, waiting will end up just prolonging the inevitable and if it does blow over then it will just make things worse next time it comes up. Resolving it now is the best way to handle it.
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A
male
reader, saltwater  +, writes (28 August 2008):
 Your mum (sorry, mom...) arguably cares too much for you because she won't talk to you about it...yet.
She isn't treating you like crap; she is upset as she probably feels that you are too young to be engaging in such an explosive act.
And I praise her attitude to be honest; it shows she cares about you and doesn't want to you to get hurt. A lot of parents don't really care if their children have sex at a young age or not -- you will understand one day.
When you get older yourself, you will realise that 16/17 is a little too young to have sex.
And it is. You need to tell your mum that you understand her concerns. You need to tell her that it was irresponsible of you to have sex at such a young age and that it won't happen again; and in addition that you will wait until you are more mature to have sex again -- irrespective of what your "boyfriend" thinks.
Of course while it's easy to tell her these things, it's advisable that you act upon them.
Take care and good luck
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