A
male
age
41-50,
*randini
writes:Hello, I've been looking through this board and I see a lot of great responses to peoples questions. Well here is mine.... I started dating this gal about 1 and a month ago. Things got really hot really quick and we ended up getting married about 8 months into the relationship. Then things got bad real quick and now she says she is "Done with me" could this mean she just wants her space?Background:The reason for our break up was that I had been telling her lies about myself like what I did for a living or anything else that would make her fell comfortable with me. Well it all came crashing down and the lies were exposed. She had an argument with me and told me that she was annulling me which as of today is done, but in the mean time while waiting for the annulment (4 months) she and I were still talking, having sex and being very intimate with one another. She even told me that she was still 99% sure that she wanted to have kids with me and some day marry me again this time with no lies. Well a couple of times in between the 4 months of us still being in contact I could tell that she was pulling away from me. Hot and then cold and so on...Then I find out that she was taking to her ex because she told me about it, but what she had forgot to mention was that she had also seen him. I confronted her about it and asked her why she was now spending time with him and she said because when she was with me she wanted to respect the fact that I may not have liked it but since we were not really togther as a couple. I asked her if she still had any fellings for him and her answer was no which I tend to belive because she has never lied to me. With that said last night we talked for an hour and she asked me what I would say to her if this was one of the last times she would talk to and I told her that...I told her that I would say that I love her and would wait for her. I asked her about what she said to me just on sunday which was I miss you and sometimes I wish I could be with you. She said that she does feel that way, but needs to focus on her life right now instead of being in a deep realtion ship and then went on to say that it would be bad for us to even do the phone thing becuase it hurts to much. I do know that she really cares about me. What do I do? I really love her and meant it when I said I do.
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (30 August 2008):
 Hi, You are in a very complicated situation. People can enjoy sex with another person, and be disconnected at the same time, sometimes sex is just that, sex. You as a man can surely understand where I am coming from, so she enjoys having relations with you. I also think she still cares, but I also think that she wants to punish you and make you pay, that's really why she annulled the marriage. If I don't want to be with a person, I am not going to have breakfast, lunch or dinner with them. Why not just calm down and see what happens, for one thing if she takes you back you will pay for the rest of your life, for what you did, so get ready for that. The other thing is, when I last wrote you I started to say that she might be pregnant from what you all have been doing together, and that might bring the two of you back together as a couple. But I don't know, that was just something that crossed my mind while I was answering you, and I decided not to include it. That's funny that you should mention the same thing. My advice, because in this situation, she is always going to have the upper hand, is to chill, and let it play itself out. If you call, she is going to play you, let her get in touch, don't be so needy. I have always felt that, if I didn't tell you this before, if someone did not want to be with me, why would I want to be with them, there is not that much love in the world, you would be working against yourself. So wait, and wait some more. I agree with Thisa, find a good therapist, and build up your self-esteem and your confidence in yourself, root out the reason you lied to the woman. She has a little streak of manipulation in her as well, so the two of you have something in common. If she is pregnant, she will let you know I'm sure. In the meantime, she is trying to make you have some of the pain you caused her, and frankly, I don't blame her :o). So, again my message, chill and then chill so more. Give the lady some space to see what she really wants to do, you cannot make her want to be with you, quite the contrary, you will more than likely, if you force the issue, make her back off.
So sit yourself down, stop worrying about it, if you two are to be together, nothing will stop it. She loved you, I think she still does, you hurt her, that takes time, leave her try to get over it, and I might suggest, if you do reconcile, you should both go together to a therapist to work through all the issues that this caused. You both need to talk to an objective party, to get this back on the right track, even after, if there is, any reconciliation.
Take care. Keep in touch. Things eventulally do get better.
A
male
reader, Brandini +, writes (30 August 2008):
Brandini is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe still has not contacted me and it's been three days. This has not been the first time that she said she was done with me. i just reall think she is very hurt even after four months. The thing that really takes me for a loop is the fact that after she found out about me she was still making love with me and also went as far as to say that one day she still wanted to have kids with me. About a month ago we went to go see the movie handcock and she wispered in my ear that she wanted to name our first son Malcom. On sunday of last week we went to breakfast and she looked at me and said that sometimes she wishes she could be with me again. The straw that broke the camels back came when on wedsday when she went on my myspace and saw a comment that my female cousin left on one of my pictures. The comment said Hugs. snuggles and I want to smash that ring your wearing. Well she tought that my cousin meant smash the ring as if it was directed towards her, but in this case my cousin really meant was she thought that the ring was gotti. She wrote my cousin back that is just getting married and said I know your marrige is not going to work out and then went on to attck my family by saying that they were are two faced. I recived a call right after that happend from my cousin and she was pissed. So I called my ex up and asked her about it and she blew me off. Then my cousin called her and let her know what she meant by her comment. Then about an hour or two later my ex calls me back and says what would you say if this was one of the last times we talked. I laid it out and told her that I love her, I care about her. She said that because of school and work right now that she could not put up with seeing me becuase it hurts alot. I then asked her what her heart felt and she told me that she loves me in her heart, but she just needs to focus on her self. It has now been three days and she has not called me at all. I really think it's weired how the day right befor our annulment she up's and decides to take me off her myspace, and then tells me all that. I asked why this happend this way and she said that it's just been boiling up in her. Another thing that I think maybe going on is she might be pregnant, becuase she has had all of the symptoms and we have had sex this whole month and she has not been on the pill. She mis carried about 8 months ago and she is demonstrating the same symptoms as last time. WHAT DO I DO? I wanna call her and talk to her couse I think of her like crazy, but I also want to respect the fact that she needs her space. WHAT DO I DO?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 August 2008):
 I don't have much to add to the excellent words of advice you received from Artistry and Starismine1, other than to emphasize that it is her decision to make. At this point, anything you say is suspect, and as you admitted you lied to make her comfortable with you, anything you say may be another manipulation to make her come back to you. So you're between a rock and a hard place.
I think that you need to examine your motivation for lying to her and the incredible naivety you demonstrated by thinking that the lies wouldn't come to light. You said she never lied to you. Why would an honest woman want to be with a lying man? What does he bring to the relationship?
So my advice to you is to accept her decision for the time being. Take this time to work on yourself. Maybe counseling might not be a bad idea, if you're having trouble living with the 'real' you. Why else lie about it? You might be able to demonstrate through your actions, not your words, that you have changed and that you now fully understand what you did was wrong.
I don't see any sign of remorse or contrition or an apology in your question. You don't seem to feel anything about what you did, other than state that the lies were exposed and everything came crashing down. You have to take responsibility for your actions, that means OWN what you did, what you CHOSE to do and say.
You two moved awfully quickly to get married so soon into the relationship; that tells me that you both were rushing into it, perhaps you did this to run away from something in the past?
As far as her talking with her ex, frankly that has nothing to do with you at this point and questioning her about it isn't going to do you any favors if you want her back. SHE'S the one who has the right to mistrust; you have no such right. You threw those away when you first lied, and concealed the truth about yourself.
So I guess I'm telling you that you need to acknowledge the depth of your betrayal of her, you need to feel and show remorse and contrition and make an apology to her. I think that a professional therapist may be helpful for you in confronting these issues. It would also demonstrate to her that you're serious about changing.
I expect you've learned a huge life lesson, at least I hope you have. Take what you know about yourself and turn it into positive action to fix what is wrong, work on your weaknesses and continue to build on your strengths.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (28 August 2008):
 If you felt the need to lie to her about things about yourself, you were manipulating the relationship for fear of losing her from day one. This means that deep in your heart, you knew things wouldn't last if she found out certain truths about you (did it have to do with how much money you made perhaps?) So my words to you are simply this: When you enter into a relationship with someone not based entirely on your truth, the lies always surface to show you that what you feared being truthful about was your heart speaking to you, telling you the relationship wasn't good for you. Now, how long will you let yourself be tormented about not being accepted for who you are? Focus on finding someone who can totally accept you, warts and all, because that is true love. When you marry someone and they suddenly find excuses like, you lied to me and that's why I want to flit back and forth, from you to ex to you to ex, they are just playing games and manipulating you, and that is definitely not love.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (28 August 2008):
Hi there, Tough one. If is very hard to rebuild trust, once you lose it in someone, it takes more than a little time to get it back. You always look at them strangely, trying to figure out, if they are telling you the truth or lying to you again. That is where you are with her, although she cares for you, probably very deeply, she feels very betrayed
and vulnerable because she believed you and then she found out most of it was untrue. It's like you pull the seat out from a person when you say you will hold it until they sit down, then they find themselves on the floor. Now if you love her and I think by your words, you do, you have to wait on her and show that you care, but most of all that you are now being honest with her. I would hope that you have explained why you lied as you did. There are worst things in my mind that you may have done, like cheating, but lying is just as bad or on the other hand, maybe worse, it's a hard call. She has to feel she can truat you again, and it's going to be slow, in the mean time she will be seeing other men, as it seems that she is going to try other avenues. So I don't know how much time you want to invest in the situation. I think I would talk to her and find out juat where the two of you are, if she meant what she said, that she was done with you or if she was just very angry at you for your lying, I guess the annulment proves that. Find out where you stand and go from there, I would not spin my wheels waiting for something if it makes no difference, by that I mean if she is not going to give you another chance. I would then count it as a lesson learned in life and go on about my business, easy said by me. The pain will be bad, but better to face reality, than live in a dream world, fooling yourself. So have a serious talk and lay it out and ask her directly and pointedly, what the story is, and go from there. Because I could say, send her flowers, try to court her again, but if she is only going to throw your flowers away, what is the sense in wasting money? Love takes two. Good luck, and stay in touch, I hope this works out for you, but it depends on her, she is the wounded one. She has to make the decision, but then you think, if she wanted to mend it, she might have stayed married and worked it out, but I also think she wanted to punish you. Take care always.
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