A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help!My sister has suffered from manic depression and a chronic eating disorder for the past seven years. Living at home with her had been an absolute nightmare! I stayed in my self-contained flat at the house because I wanted to be there for my parents. I somehow felt they needed me.. otherwise their life would be full of constant worry.. and I also thought I could maybe somehow stop this illness before it took complete hold of my sister.Over the years, my sister's only gotten worse. Her illness has infected the entire family like the plague. Everyone tip toes around her and she ALWAYS gets whatever she wants without any consequences, because everyone lives in fear of her extreme violent rages. She can be fine one minute, and as soon as there's a ripple, she explodes.. and you begin to fear for your life (no exaggeration).She left home for over a year, moving to another city. Having never held down a job and having stolen and freeloaded from my parents her entire life, I was SURE the experience could only improve her character and help her mature as a person. For the first time in six years, her anger, hatred and rage wasn't vented at ME. As soon as she moved away from home, we would occasionally talk on the phone. This felt amazing.. considering the fact I hadn't been able to have a conversation with her since before she got sick!She's home for Xmas and I was so excited to meet my NEW sister. She spoke to me on the first day, but has now stopped all contact with me. My mother has also stopped talking to me and her and my sister have once again developed that wierd co-dependent relationship they had when she used to live at home permanently.She has this way of turning my mother against me.. convincing my mother that she's SO much more independent than me. It used to be because she WANTED to move away.. and now it's because she's "gone out and made a life for herself in the big city".I have lived at home, yes, but I have ALWAYS paid rent.. bought my own food and contributed to everything in the house. I have never asked for even a DOLLAR since I was 18. As long as my sister's home, regardless of her regular drug use.. her extreme dieting and her inability to form successful relationships with people.. the limelights on me and the fact I haven't moved away elsewhere.My sister somehow makes sure all her anger for life is transferred onto me. She'll claim I looked at her funny.. or I deliberatly put her BOWL in the wrong drawer.. or that I am a PIG because I eat too much. My mother laps up everything she says and then turns on me!Problem is, when my sister returns back to the big city, my mother will change.. OVERNIGHT. She will go back to how she was when my sister didn't live here. It's like she's somehow hypnotised by my sister. Her illness has torn my mother and I's relationship apart.I've never been very close to my mum and I don't WANT attention. I live my own life and I'm happy just to get on and do my own thing. But when you hear people whispering and sniggering behind your back.. and you get yelled at for the SILLIEST of things.. what are you supposed to do?Why has my SISTER'S illness affected MY life so much? I've never done anything to my sister. She just got sick and became a totally different person! She's avoided therapy like the plague, but even I've been seeing one for years.. to try and cope with all this. It's hell and I feel like I'm drowning in misery.I'm sure you can imagine I just want to go to sleep right now and have Christmas come and go before I wake up :( Christmas will consist of her and my mother staring at me eat like I'm a fat pig, while they discuss lettuce leaves and how much MY life hasn't progressed. My sister has stolen from my parents numerous times, but this is ok, because everyone's afraid of her.What have I done? What can I do? I'm tired of living this way.. regardless of whether I'm at home or not, this is my family. I don't understand why ME, being the only other sibling, is the target for everyone's hate?My dad stays out of it (because he doesn't want the same treatment) but in private totally agrees with me that it's not fair.. and that he has no idea why they treat me this way. It's like the gruesome twosome.I feel like a criminal only I've never done anything. I've confronted my sister about her hatred for me. She says she's allowed to hate me for no reason.. and also has this way of turning the situation around to make me seem like I'm trying to "get all the attention" by even ASKING. I just want to be left alone to get on with life!!Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Wow! All wonderful advice. Thanks everyone.To answer your questions Abella:"From your description i would be surprised if anyone thought your sister to be dangerous and insane."After witnessing her rages.. having been picked up by my hair once and thrown across the room by her (and she's half my size), I would definitely say she's dangerous. My parents also do everything she asks - no matter how rediculous - because they're afraid of the next rage. They can't calm her down once she gets angry. "How difficult would it be for you to move out of home?"That's the part I've had to play in this. I should've moved out LOONG ago. It will be difficult, and I'll have to get work first, but it's something I absolutely need to do ASAP."When do you get to ask friends over."I go to MY friend's places as a way of getting out of the house.Thanks again everyone.
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Move out and get your own place. Limit contact with your mother and your sister. They do have a co dependent relationship and possibly something more since they both seem to turn on you at the drop of a hat.
Your dad (no offense) needs to grow a back bone and let them know that he thinks your treatment is unfair. Your sister needs help and a lot of extensive psychotherapy and until she gets that, she isn't going to get any better.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 December 2010):
 sick or not, your sister is the bully. But she is also divisive and very cruel.
It is sad that your Mom is your fair weather friend, but sides against you when your sister is there. And a cop out that your father washes his hands of everything as if he is only a virtual father when your sister rules the family like a despotic tyrant.
From your description i would be surprised if anyone thought your sister to be dangerous and insane.
If your sister could make you invisable or go away completely she would be happy. She competes with you, she has a need to minimise you' and seeks to vilify you and sadly your mother enables this situation to continue.
If you are aged 18-21 you have remarkable observation skills, noticing
what is happening
And it is heartbreaking to say this but it seems neither parent has been standing up for you. Nor supporting you emotionally.
How difficult would it be for you to move out of home? If you are 18-21 then your parents can't be much older than 6=. More than capable of supporting themselves. They could put a tenant in your flat. And i will bet your sister will be
the one who moves to that flat.
When do you get to meey guys?
When do you get to ask friends over.
Your toxic family will ruin your life, unless you take control and find a better group of friends and supporters than your family are now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 You can't change people and their life, you can only change yourself and your life.
Obviously your sister ,( maybe your mom too ), has serious problems that would require consistent professional help.
All you can do for her is supporting her if she seeks this help ( I don't even say encouraging her in seeking it because I imagine how she could react ), having compassionate thoughts for her because you realize that her behaviour comes from some deep seated,hidden pain that luckily has been spared to you, pray for her healing and try to keep in your heart a spark of love for her ,regardless of what she does to you ( that's a tough one, I know ).
What you can do for yourself is ...MOVING OUT. You are paying rent and your own food anyway, you are already living in a self contained way- just cut the humbilical cord and go somewhere else ! Why do you want to stay in a toxic environment where you can't find your peace of mind ? Having compassion and comprehension for people 's problems does not mean taking upon yourself the responsibility to "make it better ". That's THEIR responsibility. You can be emotionally available when necessary and keep a healthy physical distance at the same time.
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A
female
reader, Moraghlouise  +, writes (15 December 2010):
You are the victim of your sister's illness, because you have chosen to be. You are not responsible for your sister's health, or your mom's actions when she is with her. You are the only one you can control. It is selfless that you decided to stay close to your mum and dad to help out, but really, you are not responsible for them. You need to take responsibility for your life and begin to live it. Move out (it may improve your relationship with your mum while your sister is around). I would be suprised if your therapist didn't encourage you to begin to live your own life. Make a list of things you want to do in your life, and work towards those goals. Moving out, education (even learing just to learn fun things), etc. Only you can make you happy! You are a worthwile and good person and deserve to worry more about yourself and how you are doing. You can't take care of others in your life, unless you have taken care of you first.
Good luck!!!
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