A
male
age
,
*ndibob
writes:i am having an affair with a woman i met online. She is in a loveless relationship she has had for nearly 20 years. They also have 3 children who are nearly grown up.She tells me that once her youngest has graduated (about 18 months time) she will leave him to be with me. We have met on a few occasions, her coming to visit me and me travelling to the city she lives in. Recently, we were discussing her next trip here when we decided we would both enjoy a trip to Vegas instead, which i intend to pay for.Tonight i asked her if we should go ahead and book it.... she said no, she would have to ask her partner first. I asked what would happen if he said no and she immediately replied that she wouldnt go.Am i being paranoid in thinking that perhaps her loyalties still lie with him and she will never be mine?
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female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Being that you are both adults I believe you should just talk to her about what you feel, in person. The problem with this approach is that (I am assuming) you spend to little time together and I might not spend it talking about serious and difficult issues as these (for obvious reasons)as any other couple does. You may talk about difficult situations on the Internet or the phone, and words are just really easy to type or say. Have this conversation in person!
On the other side, as idealistic as canthelpfallin may seem to you, the truth is they have been together for 20 years and they have been able to accomplish that not by chance. They have decided to stay together in boredom, in pms, in frustration, in lovelessness, in joy, in laughter, in pain... those of us who have not lived these experiences are not in a place of saying if a relationship should or should not be something else. It has worked for them, for 20 years it has worked.
From my outsiders point of view, saying everything will magically change in 18 months might be an excuse for you and for herself to escape from taking the decision to leave now. She doesn't have to move in with you, she could rent an apartment or a house in the mean time. Her kids may decide to stay with her after 18, that would give her a couple of more years to "decide" if she wants to risk a stable thing for an opportunity of something new. It is a big risk to take.
Only time will tell!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): Hi Hun,
What alot of hard work just to get some what? Because you cant say your happy.
She may not be married but she has commited herself to a man for 20yrs and if she is this unhappy then why not just sort it out instead of getting a third party involved first. And all the empty promises, Ill leave when the kids get older and then it will be ok when they have a bloody great shock at whats been going on. If she is capable of meeting you on line then how many more has she met and if she is capable of cheating on her partner then how can you be sure she is not going to do the same to you. She has responsibilitys to the kids but also to tell her partner the truth hunny TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): I think it is 'easier' for her to stay put - she has got into a rut and is less vulnerable like this. Her children are almost adults (well actually are really) and all I would warn you about is wasting your life waiting for her. 18 months is a long time - what guarantee do you have she will do it then? Will there be another excuse? If I hadn't been burnt myself by a guy who never left his wife I wouldn't be bothering to type this - but I do speak from experience. People rarely leave. If I can give you any practical advice I would say to stop being quite so available - that is perhaps cut down a little on the contact and spend those times for yourself and expand your own social network in different ways. It is important that she really starts gearing herself up to leave psychologically and although you don't want to force her (she would resent you) you also need to demonstrate you have a life, respect yourself and need some commitment. By keeping your life going forward, independently, will also ensure you don't trap yourself mentally. I'm not saying it is a lost cause - but just don't hang all your hopes on it. My guess is that she really should just leave her husband right now as life is simply too short to waste it.
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A
male
reader, indibob +, writes (7 November 2007):
indibob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to both for replies...
No, they arent married, never have been.
Yes, she could be playing me very easily, if i didnt worry about that then i guess i wouldnt have been posting.
I've met him, he comes in, sits at the TV while she talks to me on headphones, kisses her goodnight and goes to bed.
She then stays up with me most of the night.
Sorry CantHelpFallin, i have to disagree with you.... Your ideal is wonderful but when theres no love there that marriage is a sham and shouldn't exist at all.
rcn.... I believe you have hit the nail on the head. Has she got a stronger tie with him or me?
Anyone suggest a way i could test her true feelings on that one?
Thanks
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Seeing married women, not a good choice. As far as I can tell marriage is still deceit. When someone is capable of deceiving another person, Have you met the husband? Did you verify it's a loveless marriage? Could she just be a serial cheater, lying to him, and playing you? If she's not a faithful wife, why would you expect anything she tells you to be truthful.
Maybe she doesn't want you to book the trip because it may increase her chances of running into her other love in Vegas. Of course she's going to put him above you. She's married to him, just sleeping with you. She has absolutely no tie to you, but with her husband she does.
I'd simply tell her, you're married, wait until the divorce, then we'll talk. One more question. She's deceiving now, if she does divorce and come to you. What really makes you think you are that much better that she won't decide to do the same to you. I hear that LIE all too often.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 November 2007):
Seeing married women, not a good choice. As far as I can tell marriage is still deceit. When someone is capable of deceiving another person, Have you met the husband? Did you verify it's a loveless marriage? Could she just be a serial cheater, lying to him, and playing you? If she's not a faithful wife, why would you expect anything she tells you to be truthful.
Maybe she doesn't want you to book the trip because it may increase her chances of running into her other love in Vegas. Of course she's going to put him above you. She's married to him, just sleeping with you. She has absolutely no tie to you, but with her husband she does.
I'd simply tell her, you're married, wait until the divorce, then we'll talk. One more question. She's deceiving now, if she does divorce and come to you. What really makes you think you are that much better that she won't decide to do the same to you. I hear that LIE all too often.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 November 2007):
Seeing married women, not a good choice. As far as I can tell marriage is still deceit. When someone is capable of deceiving another person, Have you met the husband? Did you verify it's a loveless marriage? Could she just be a serial cheater, lying to him, and playing you? If she's not a faithful wife, why would you expect anything she tells you to be truthful.
Maybe she doesn't want you to book the trip because it may increase her chances of running into her other love in Vegas. Of course she's going to put him above you. She's married to him, just sleeping with you. She has absolutely no tie to you, but with her husband she does.
I'd simply tell her, you're married, wait until the divorce, then we'll talk. One more question. She's deceiving now, if she does divorce and come to you. What really makes you think you are that much better that she won't decide to do the same to you. I hear that LIE all too often.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 November 2007):
Seeing married women, not a good choice. As far as I can tell marriage is still deceit. When someone is capable of deceiving another person, Have you met the husband? Did you verify it's a loveless marriage? Could she just be a serial cheater, lying to him, and playing you? If she's not a faithful wife, why would you expect anything she tells you to be truthful.
Maybe she doesn't want you to book the trip because it may increase her chances of running into her other love in Vegas. Of course she's going to put him above you. She's married to him, just sleeping with you. She has absolutely no tie to you, but with her husband she does.
I'd simply tell her, you're married, wait until the divorce, then we'll talk. One more question. She's deceiving now, if she does divorce and come to you. What really makes you think you are that much better that she won't decide to do the same to you. I hear that LIE all too often.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 November 2007):
Seeing married women, not a good choice. As far as I can tell marriage is still deceit. When someone is capable of deceiving another person, Have you met the husband? Did you verify it's a loveless marriage? Could she just be a serial cheater, lying to him, and playing you? If she's not a faithful wife, why would you expect anything she tells you to be truthful.
Maybe she doesn't want you to book the trip because it may increase her chances of running into her other love in Vegas. Of course she's going to put him above you. She's married to him, just sleeping with you. She has absolutely no tie to you, but with her husband she does.
I'd simply tell her, you're married, wait until the divorce, then we'll talk. One more question. She's deceiving now, if she does divorce and come to you. What really makes you think you are that much better that she won't decide to do the same to you. I hear that LIE all too often.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 November 2007):
Seeing married women, not a good choice. As far as I can tell marriage is still deceit. When someone is capable of deceiving another person, Have you met the husband? Did you verify it's a loveless marriage? Could she just be a serial cheater, lying to him, and playing you? If she's not a faithful wife, why would you expect anything she tells you to be truthful.
Maybe she doesn't want you to book the trip because it may increase her chances of running into her other love in Vegas. Of course she's going to put him above you. She's married to him, just sleeping with you. She has absolutely no tie to you, but with her husband she does.
I'd simply tell her, you're married, wait until the divorce, then we'll talk. One more question. She's deceiving now, if she does divorce and come to you. What really makes you think you are that much better that she won't decide to do the same to you. I hear that LIE all too often.
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A
female
reader, CantHelpFallin +, writes (7 November 2007):
Sir, I'm going to be blunt here, so read at your own risk. You shouldn't be having an affair with a married woman in the first place. Marriage is intended for one man and one woman, to devote to each other and love each other, not run off with somebody else. If she's cheating on the man she married, what makes you think she won't cheat on you too?
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