A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 33 years old, and my girlfriend is 37. We both want to have children, but being the age she is, she has put us on an accelerated timeline. I understand the need for being this process before she's much older, but it means that my plans for going back to school (master's) are squashed or at least put on hold for a few years. I love her. We are wonderful together, and I love our life together. We've looked at all our alternatives and this seem to be the direction we HAVE to go in. How am I supposed to feel about this? Is this age 40 thing real? (as in, harder to get pregnant) I feel resentful and it's not a feeling I can sit with. Argh. What am I to do? BTW -- neither of us want to get married anytime soon (she's been divorced recently). thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): Believe me, there is never a ‘right’ time for a baby. If it wasn’t your degree, it would be something else. In the end if you both want a baby you just have to do it and try your best to fit your life around it. 37 is a bit late to start because by the time you realise that you have problems getting pregnant (if you do), she will be another year or so older, and fertility will be dropping fast by then. Some women have perfectly healthy babies into their mid forties, but you cannot rely on this - most are not able to. Despite what I just said, you haven’t actually said that you want a baby, just that she does and that you are great together as a couple. If you don’t want a baby with this woman, you shouldn’t be trying to bring one into the world. It is much too important a job to take on because you felt guilty – you can’t change your mind. I am sorry for your girlfriend, who can obviously hear the biological clock ticking so loud that it’s deafening her, and she thinks that you are her last chance. But a resentful dad will soon be an absent dad - and still paying the child maintenance for 18 years. So the bottom line is – do you really wish to have a child with your girlfriend?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): Firstly, let me say I think it is a really bad idea to try to get pregnant if neither of you wants to get married, getting divorced recently is all the more reason to take things a bit slower, including having the baby....I don't think children should have to pay for adult mistakes, and if you start a family without making it legal, even though you think it is just a piece of paper, it will affect your commitment to this union....you are already having doubts or you would not be writing here, that is no place to bring a child into....it is just too easy to walk out for both of you, and it may even cause problems if you do get married down the road, studies have shown that living together couples (those engaged and married in a couple of months after moving in not included) have a much higher incidence of divorce than couples who did not live together first, living together has it's own set of reasons why these marriages fail, and the biggest determiner of that is the self selection of the participants and their maturity levels and commitment.
It is true that her fertility is going down as she ages, but waiting until she is 40 is not that much different than starting at 37, she may have a tough time getting pregnant at either age, and you may have to go the expensive route of fertility doctors.....and the stress of trying for a baby and not getting pregnant and putting all of your focus on that could very well ruin your relationship with each other....
I would be very suspect of her agenda here, she wants you to sacrifice getting an advanced degree, she does not want to marry you, and her biological clock is ticking....I am female, and it seems to me this woman first and foremost wants a baby, and you may just be the convenient donor, if she loved you for you, she would also put your needs first, like getting that degree that could win you a better job and higher earning power and a more satisfying career.....I also don't believe that you cannot go to grad school while she is getting pregnant, or having a child, the kid has to hatch and that takes 9 long months, plenty of time to begin your study for an advanced degree, so that one baffles me, putting that on hold for what?
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (13 June 2007):
 adoption?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): Yes the 40 thing is real. And it's not just that it is harder to get pregnant, it's also more likely that the child will have birth defects.
But if you are just learning all this, and you are questioning it, you aren't ready for children. This is likely a pretty serious disconnect between you and your girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): A couple of things do come to mind:
0. How are you supposed to feel about this? I don't know. I do know that if you (a) want to stay together and (b) want to have at least one healthy child, then this is pretty much how the thing gets done. If you're having trouble with the fact that "alternatives exclude" and you might have to put your other plans on hold .... I guess it's time for you to figure out just what your priorities are. Then do what's necessary to make them happen. Feeling resentful about this is not really a good sign. If you feel really very resentful (as opposed to sorta resentful), it doesn't, to me, say much that's good about your maturity level. See also 2. below.
1. It does get a little harder to get pregnant at your girlfriend's age, on average. More importantly, the risks of problems like Down syndrome start to move up pretty quickly. If you two want to have a kid, you need to talk to a good OB/GYN as soon as possible and get into proper prenatal care, even before you work on getting her pregnant.
2. I'm not thrilled with you two wanting to have a kid without getting married at all -- I am struck by the thought that kids aren't just babies, they're real human beings who will have entire lives, grow up to be 33 or 37, and have the same problems and challenges you do. Married couples tend to provide better stability. Again, this is a how-to-get-it-done thing; again, this is a maturity thing.
Bottom line: You gotta figure out what you want to do and then Do What's Necessary. Best of luck to you both.
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