A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please bear with this long story. I am unmarried and in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. I recently moved to a different country and there I met a guy friend. We both are aware of our situation from the very beginning when we first met, that he is married and me in a relationship. We decided we be good friends being that I just moved in town, and eventually we ended up spending a lot of time together, talk almost everyday and confiding on everything and how unhappy we are in our relationships. We just click, communication between us have always been so easy, we share common interests, and I was just myself with him..Things then spun out of control and we started getting intimate. It went on for months until he eventually confessed he has fallen in love with me and was determined to take things further with me. During those times, I was unsure of my feelings for him and I was in limbo as to whether I should break up with my bf or not. I feel so happy with this new guy and I felt it was the same for him. All I know is I wanted to keep what we have going, but even though I kept telling him to work it out with his wife because I myself was too scared for him--going through divorce and maybe end up blaming me, that I be a home wrecker. Despite all these, he stood firm and kept saying she hates her, I am all he ever wanted, everything his wife isnt, that he wants me in his life and just sees the future with me, wants to have kids with me since his wife cant bear a child.. Soon I fell in love with him too. From his end things have gotten worse in their marriage (wife almost tried to overdose herself) so his wife moved out and left him, they were separated for more than a month and he said he felt the weight on his shoulders eased up, his wife kept sending him emails and texts asking him to tell her as to why she should stay in their marriage but he was just ready to move on. He then gave the keys to his apartment to me. Within their period of separation I spent days and nights with him, took care of each other, and everything was just perfect. We had fights here and there, almost broken up but still patched things up.Going back to the day his wife was moving out her stuff, she found empty foil pack of condom under the bed, one we have used months ago (like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode). That was the last string and she refused to talk to him, and basically told him to wait for divorce papers. Things were great between me and him, until the most recent fight that went on for days. .coincidentally, it was when she decided to meet up with him and talk. That didn’t help with how things are going on between us, he asked for space and was then he told me he wanted to end things with me. I was devastated. I love him. He told me his family and his wifes family are pushing them to work things out and he needed to do it. I just don’t understand his sudden change of heart. He tells me now things are complicated and now has his family involved. For a month now his wife hasn’t moved back in, but she spends almost every day at his place, he can’t even get to his phone to call me because she checks it, some days she just shows up at his work. He told me he still loves me but things are difficult. We both agreed to keep what we have going. I know I want him, I don’t even love my bf anymore. I wish I can turn back time. How do I get him back? How do I keep him forever? Should I wait? Let him go? Force myself to love my bf again? I talked to my bf and told him sparks are gone and love has faded, but he told me he is determined to keep me. Please help. Im so confused. My mind just cant agree with my heart.
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condom, divorce, fell in love, long distance, married man, move on, moved in, moved out, period, spark, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (6 January 2014):
Hes married. None of this should have started in the first place. He's back with his wife. Move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014): He is still emotionally involved with another woman. If I were you I would shut down the contact to him and not allow him to get in touch with you until he has resolved his issues. Don't allow him to talk to you one word. He has to come clear to his senses and find out if he misses you or whether he wants to be with his wife. Give him space to clean up his emotional mess. Any contact or reaction from your side will just add more mess and you will become a nuissance to him. This is a warning. Shut down any contact for your self-respect. Set up boundaries and make it clear to him that you do not wish to participate in this triangle. He can contact you once he is separated from his wife for good. Then he can pursue you and give you the respect and courtship you deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): How is he paying off her mortgage in another country when he can't pay his own rent or bills? That's not the reason they are back together. You're not thinking straight. Anyway it's a minor detail. His married. He is back with his wife. Sorry for harsh words but look at his actions and forget his meaningless words and promises. Look at the reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is a struggle for me to walk away now..I know its what I need to do. But I miss him and always end up thinking of him. I also thought too I wont fall in love with him because I have a boyfriend. But spending a lot of time with him and talking to him everyday did that. I really am still trying to wrap my head around the idea of him pursuing me and doing all those things for me like he really did love me..when he already is getting sex before all the sweet words and I love you's.He is broke, that's the reason why they have been fighting a lot. She wants things he cant give her. She pays for the rent and she wasn't happy about taking the financial responsibility and when she walked out he was months behind on his rent, debts, and bills. Ridiculous how I even chose to be a mistress of a broke man when I could have just went for a rich guy, at least that's what people would say. Would that perhaps be another reason for them to just be together? Because he's still paying a mortgage back in her home country that's under her name.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Thanks for shedding a little more light...
It does seem strange doesn't it! She was packed, there was evidence, he gave you the keys to the apartment...but still they are trying to fix the marriage!! Sounds like birds of a feather to me!! and what does he think about how you feel? Not really giving you much hope is he? and it seems he is prepared to lose you before he loses her!
I am sorry this seems so harsh but you have to really see what is going on.
He CAN choose to end the marriage without her consent and if he really really wanted OUT, he would do like a lot of people do when they know it's over...he would just serve her with papers and leave.
I would get yourself as far away as you can and leave them to it. There is nothing you can do or say to get any kind of comfort from this. There is not even any point thinking about it because they are just two horribly messed up people whose attachment and mind games are spreading shit onto others and they simply do not care who gets hurt.
It's hard to believe that he could even be like this because you only see what you want to see, but the evidence is in his actions and where there is no thought, the body will not follow.
He is trying to work things out for a reason and sadly you arnt part of the deal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): It makes no sense that after finding out about him cheating on her, his wife decides to make a go at the marriage. Maybe she is garnering more evidence so she can catch him out and get a divorce on her terms/ get more money from him, e.g. if she can divorce him on the grounds of "unreasonable behaviour". Why else would she want her cheating husband back.
So far it seems that he wants to salvage his marriage due to family pressure, and keep things going with you on the low down. Is that acceptable to you? Being a mistress for ever, or until she catches him out again?
I see this as him getting involved with someone he felt would be 'safe' because you have a boyfriend - someone who wouldn't fall in love with him or vice versa. I would bet anything that he was having flings with other women before you came along.
He won't leave you for your wife. How can he even take you seriously when you still have a boyfriend?
Remove the rose tinted glasses and see this man - and the situation - for what it is. This is a sordid affair, not a beautiful love story. Sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPerhaps its all was just sex at first, the I love you's came after. I myself dont understand how both of them are pushed to work it out when both of them wanted out in the first place. He would show me her txts.. they slept in separate rooms and when wife packed her stuff i saw all the boxes..when she left she brought everything with her, and its when he gave me the keys to his apartment. while she was moving her stuff it was when saw what she did under the bed After more than a month of being separated she then wanted to talk to him.. he even thought they were going to talk about divorce..
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 Funny. That's always the same old same old story about "love stronger than everything". But if one take the time to remove every romantic sentences, every decorative words in this sort of lyric speeches, we face once again just a SEX PARTY.
I'm not prude, but I can tell - like many before me - sex has nothing to do with love, even it is not part of it. It's just a biological function like eating or urinating, and it's up to all of us to control it and decide what we want it to be. People who pour on their sex story a heavy cover of "love-love-sauce" are not just naive, they are primal. Hard to hear ?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 December 2013):
You only know what he has told you and it seems a little odd that if things were really as bad as he says, that he can be convinced so easily to try again with her just for money and family?...did he not consider those things before he met you?
He didnt seem so worried before she found the condom packet. He has spun you a tale and now it seems he got caught with his pants down and he is back tracking.
If she really does want out of the marriage, why is he being pursueded by family to keep it together...surely she won't really want to try with him??
Just doesn't make sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies harsh or sugar coated. Basically his marriage was already ruined before I got in the picture. His wife is rarely home, spends most of her time with her friends. He practically does everything himself – cooks for himself, does laundry and even cleans the house. They both lived separate lives for the past 2 years. We both talked about how we would introduce each other to our partners. The thing about her is she’s very jealous and paranoid of all his female friends. I know I should have stayed away in the first place, I suppose I was naïve to think we can just be friends without getting our feelings involved. That’s why I say, my mind just can’t agree with my heart. He knows I have a boyfriend and we both, me and the married man, are aware of the complication of our situation; and at several occasions talked about how we can deal with it. Prior to the wife finding that empty foil, their separation and impending divorce was mutual. It was her who wanted to move on without him. Thing is now, he told me, its not that simple anymore because of both families are involved and money issues. That’s why they are pushed to work on it. I have talked to my bf about me falling out of love, and hes been persistent of working it out and believes it’s the distance that brought it about. I keep telling him he deserves someone better.. But I just couldn’t tell him I was unfaithful. Insights from men as well would be very much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): What a messy situation. I once dated a guy who was legally separated from his wife and living in a separate country, and even that was a nightmare. He was not emotionally available. It was too soon for him to be dating or trying to start a new relationship. It was a hellish experience. He eventually told me he had been cheating on his wife with more than one woman while still living with her. I finished it with him even though I had very strong feelings. I learned from it - stay away from married men, even if separated. It was incredibly painful and hurtful situation, and one I should have avoided if I'd been more sensible and listened to my head rather than my heart. He just couldn't give me what I needed. That was the bottom line for me and it is for you as well. Your long distance guy is also not giving you what you need or you wouldn't have felt the need to add another man to your life. Your questions: There is no magic way to get him back and have him forever. No you shouldn't wait for him. Yes you should let him go. You cannot force yourself to love your boyfriend, so you should let him go too. Let the married man go and try to rebuild your life.You need to break free from both of these men and reflect on all that's happened, reflect on the choices you have made and this painful outcome. Have a thought for his wife.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 When your married man's wife found the old condom wrapper she discovered her husband, a man who had entered into a legally binding contract with her, was not only a liar and a cheater, but he has so little respect for her and that contract of marriage that he had sex with another woman in her bed.
That's pretty big! Also, your tale of how your relationship with this man developed seems to miss out a lot of pertinent points, for example if you and he decided to be very good friends after you met, how come he didn't introduce your to his wife at that point, good friends usually do introduce each other to friends and family.
Well now the wife has discovered the truth about her husband's character, and she is understandably pissed at being lied to and cheated upon, the home she should have felt safe in has been invaded, as has her bed.
It will take a long time before the wife gets to a point where she will let her arsehole of a cheating prick husband off the hook, and there is nothing you can do about it.
I suggest you step right back, if you and he end up after the divorce well, so be it. If you don't end up together then learn your lesson and stay away from men who have wives.
Oh, and as for your boyfriend back home, why don't you do the right thing by him and let him go.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 December 2013):
I agree, you need to leave him alone to work things out with his wife. There are no guarantees that he will divorce her and the whole thing could drag on for years. There is no point trying to get him back in this time as he will just see you as an irritant that is stopping him making up his mind and he must be free to make that decision alone.
I know someone who wanted to end his marriage to be with someone else but his wife clung on and then the girlfriend started making demands on him. It took him about 2 years to finally decide which way to go and he did end up divorcing his wife...but he also dumped the girlfriend.
That was about 5 years ago and he met his new partner (soon to be wife) about a year ago, so it was pretty clear that after the divorce, he needed time alone and the original girlfriend was really just an excuse to push him out of the marriage.
That is why its very unwise to date someone who is still married, all the sweet words and promises often mean very little and when he really gets his freedom, he's going to want to enjoy it.
As for your boyfriend back home...it's time to let him go because you have not been faithful to him and paid him no mind all the while you have been with the married man, you don't love him and it's not right or fair to hold on to him.
Sorry you are in this situation but it is what it is...and that's how it is with dating married men.
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant +, writes (27 December 2013):
This is nonsense; you might find this harsh but obviously there is no one in your life to tell you the truth the way it is. Things never just "spin out of control". When people have sex, it doesn't "just happen". That's complete and utter rubbish. You knew what you were doing and so did this man. You both should be ashamed of yourselves. If you were both so unhappy in your relationships, you should have done the right thing and broken off your respective relationships before even thinking of taking your friendship further. People do not just fall in love out of the blue; you set out to fall in love by partaking in activities that lead that direction. You are able to construct this essay of a question, so you're not an idiot. You knew exactly what you were doing. "We both agreed to keep what we have going" Are you seriously that desperate for this man in your life? There are billions of men in this world, but it's this one man who is trying to work out his marriage, which you helped ruin, that you're so bent on having? Come on lady, have some dignity and respect for yourself and move on.How would you feel if you were in the position of his wife? She's trying to work out her marriage with her husband, but there's another woman who is determined to "keep" a husband that doesn't belong to her "forever". This man is just as ridiculous as you are; he is telling you that he is determined to "keep" you; while he is still trying to solve his marital issues. If he wants you in his life, it is obvious that you would be a mistress. How comfortable are you being a mistress to a married man? Do you not think that you can actually do better? If you carried on this wreck of a relationship that you have with this man, will you ever actually trust him? Who is to say that he won't get bored of you and decide he wants to "keep" another woman. My advice, move on and learn from this; leave married men alone.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 I think you should bow out gracefully and let them sort out what they want to do. You've got your own mess to clean up.
What they're going through is not uncommon. Most marriages don't end cleanly and decisively. They have a pretty big decision ahead of them.
Your lover and his wife have unfinished business. Leave them alone to sort it.
You have unfinished business of your own. If you're that certain you want this lover, then you're certain enough you don't want your boyfriend. Time to set him free. It's not fair to keep him hanging on a string while you make up your mind.
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