A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im in love with a married guy, 6years older than me. He lives about a 5hour drive away from me and he comes once or twice a month to oversee his projects (he's a building contractor). Last weekend was a long weekend and we chilled from thurs to sunday when he had to travel back to his city. We had a lot of fun, had protected sex and he tipped me really well. Trouble is, my feelings got involved instead of this being just a fun or business thing. I think im inlove with him but he has a life back there: work, wife and new baby. He hasnt even talked to me without me initiating. I remember tho he asked "so when are you coming to my city?" and i said "i have no business there" and he said "oh i think you now do." its whats keeping me hopeful that maybe it wasnt a one time thing, he wants an affair with me. But otherwise ever since going back he hasnt bothered about me and it hurts. He's a very very busy guy that much i know. So busy during the day and in the evening he has to be with his family therefore no time for me. Please help, what should i do? I dont wanna let him go.
View related questions:
affair, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): @DV1: how is the OP destroying someone else's marriage when it is the husband in the marriage who sought her out for sex? And if it wasn't her he would have done it with someone else. Why don't you blame the husband for destroying the marriage? What does the OP have anything to do with his marriage? This line of thinking is illogical.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): DV1 is way out of line and his/her answer reflects more his/her own issues than a desire to help someone honestly seeking advice.
To the OP: you are not a bad person. This married guy who paid you for sex is the bad person. You owe his wife and family nothing. He does since he is the one who took marriage vows. You were just doing your job, it is not your business to police your clients and be the protector of their marriages that they themselves want to wreck. I am sorry most people can't see that the responsibility for fidelity lies with the person who is married and not with some random third party hired to provide a service.
What should you do about this guy? Forget him. He is just one of many low life scums who want to have the marriage and kids and also wants to have sex with other women but is too coward to make his activities known to his wife. He could have divorced her if he wanted to be promiscuous but he didn't. He could have asked her for an open marriage if he wanted more sex partners but he didn't. Or maybe he did and she said no and he decided he will go over her head and do it anyway and just hide from her. What a coward. You do not want this trash. Just forget him. But note that if you continue in this like of work you need to guard your emotions much better. See it the way your clients do, as just business only. If you can't do that then you shouldn't be doing this work.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks cindycares.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 What should you do ?... Maybe change job , since you don't sound cut to handle yours professionally. I am not being snippy or condescending, I am genuinely surprised that you are in this dilemma and you wonder what you could do to make this guy yours. Dear OP, regardless of him being married and with a new baby and living afar etc.,- this guy came to " consult " you in your PROFESSIONAL capacity. It's not like he was attracted to you because of your personality or sense of humour or shared values , he was attracted to you being a physically attractive woman willing and able to provide certain services against payment- nothing personal, a business transaction.
If you start developping a soft spot for your clients - you are headed for trouble and a lot of disappointments, and I am sure deep down you know it, you realize that what you do requires a strong emotional detachment.
Aren't there customers who fall in love with sex workers ?... I guess so. ( Mostly in movies and novels, I think, can't say I have heard it happening often in real life ). But, here's where all the other obstacles come to play. If you had met him for business reasons, BUT he had been single, and lonely, and looking for also love and not just sex, and he had been a local guy able to see you often, who knows, maybe you'd been able to turn the situation around in your favour . But , as things are now, that's a pipe dream and I suspect you know it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy answer to DV1 was equally brutal because it was a reaction to his harshness. Oh so annoying! Wiseowie, thanks so much for your input. Wisewideopen, as hard as that sounds, you are right that he's not my man, and i'll therefore do my best to act accordingly. As for everyone else who took the time to respond, thanks except DV1.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 You have to have a hold on somebody before you can let him go, you don't, you never did and you never will. Even tho' he pays well I advise you take him off your client list and make a pledge to never get emotional about your johns ever again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Answers may be firm, but they shouldn't be cruel. I think your response was as brutal as DV1's opinion. Your profession, and what you do exchange for money, speaks for itself. Dishonoring a marriage is far from saintly behavior.
I think we aunts have a responsibility to be helpful, not harmful or abusive. Yes, there are moderator; however, if you reach out for help and you expose things about yourself the provoke strong emotion; be prepared. These are people are human, and express emotion just like you.
In America, we have the freedom of speech. It isn't always what you want to hear. People have a right to voice their opinions. Only abusive language; or excessive swearing may be "edited." Not censored.
I'll apologize if you're hurt by my answers. Only for your feelings, not what I've said.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo we have moderators on this site? And they allow such hurtful answers to be added? DV1 whether you're a fucking saint or not, you have no right to call me a bad person. If you have nothing helpful to say then shut the hell up other than insult others.
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (21 August 2013):
 Step 1) Go Home.
Step 2) Look in the mirror
Step 3) Watch sappy movie about two people in love
Step 4) Take a sledgehammer to a tv
Step 5) Realize that's what you're doing to two people's marriage.
Step 6) Move on and get help with your problems. You're a bad person.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): I disagree with the "anonymous" writer calling anyone "trolls;" and self-righteously suggesting that anyone on this site would give you anything but sound, and solid advice. If you were the wife in this situation; you would understand the disdain provoked in everyone.
No one knows your life's story leading to your profession.
However, you did share details that invite commentary and condemnation of a profession that allows men to demean, degrade, and exploit women, children, and other men.
Men who use women like you, have no real respect for you. You are a woman trying to survive; but what you do, exposes you to the lowest creatures in society.
Mankind just can't get any lower than a man, or woman, who betrays their marriage and family; and goes home like all is well.
He lives a lie, and exposes his innocent mate to STD's and HIV infection. He taints the truth and trust in his marriage, or relationship. He has less than love for his mate and companion.
There are no pretty words to offer you knowing you allow men to use your body in exchange for payment.
You are a human being, and you share the same feelings and emotions as the rest of us. However; there is right and there is wrong.
We have moral responsibilities to our fellowman and woman.
We honor the vows taken between people in marriage. We treat our bodies as temples, and we respect ourselves.
You have a broken-heart, but it is a small price to pay when you have been with another woman's husband. That is your karma.
Imagine how she would feel, if she knew. The choice you have is to just forget. She shares a family with him, and she gave him her body, life, and trust. She gave up all other men just to be with him. She had his child.
So, to dishonor that doesn't leave us much nice to say, when you said you want to have an affair with a married man. When you came to me for advice, I scolded you for being a participant in cheating on a man's family. I also hate to see bad things happen to people, and having the knowledge that life has forced you to give up; and do what you do. I still care about your well-being, and advised you all the same. It was easy to swallow. I could have ignored you, and just held judgement. You deserved advice.
In fact, what he is doing is worse than what you're doing. His only reason for what he does, is sex. he has sex at
home. The money he gave you, was earned to support his family.
You have my compassion for your feelings. I have nothing good to say about selling your body, and letting men exploit you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOuch! Thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): First of all, no judgements here for taking money for sex. If you get any negative comments or trolls on this post please ignore them. I do really think you should leave this one alone, before the feelings get worse or you do or say something you regret. Don't take calls from him again. This is to protect yourself. It sounds like you are at the stage where you still can cut things off and keep your emotions vaguely intact. But if you give yourself hope or keep persevering i think it will end badly. I'm so sorry, wish it wasn't like that. Take care of yourself x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): We live in a world where people lack morals and don't care about what is right or wrong. I feel sorry for his wife and their child. Maybe you could call the wife and let her know what he's been doing, I'm sure then he'll have a lot of free time on his hands.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): " he tipped me really well. Trouble is, my feelings got involved"
That's the tragedy of your profession.
If you're going to lower yourself to being a man's paid escort; then deal with it. He's another woman's husband and you are just a girl on the side.
He was just being nice when he made the remark about you coming to his city. He was just being a good patron.
Don't hang your heart on a man who pays you for sex, sweetie.
Divorce is too messy to leave your wife and child for the lady you pay to play. He has no romantic feelings for you.
You're his favorite sex-toy.
Sooner or later you were going to fall for one of those guys. Don't expect anyone to wish you well in wrecking a marriage.
If his wife discovers he is seeing another woman,
getting into another relationship is going to be the last thing he is going to want to do, after a nasty divorce.
You're not letting go of anyone. He's just having an affair. No one belongs to anybody in an affair. It's just cheating. In your case, you get paid. So he pays for your time.
He's not too busy for you. He's living his regular life, with his wife.
You're off the clock. You're a loyal employee.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): He tipped you?? Sounds like prostitution..
...............................
|
