A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am involved with a man who is still married but unhappy. he tells me he will file for divorce within the next 5 months because he is unhappy. he wants to wait to do it because she is not able to support herself financially due to their debt....and so hes helping her pay off some debt so she can afford her own place, they also want to do this without lawyers and stay on friendly terms. We went out to dinner recently and slept together and agreed that this should not happen again until the divorce and he tells me that he genuinely likes me, and always says sweet things to me, but doesnt know what will happen or when he will be ready for me but he wants to continue talking daily......so confused, any advice?
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female
reader, everyminute  +, writes (20 December 2011):
Be very careful. Men will say anything to keep having sex with you. Most married men dont leave their marriage. They just want their cake and eat it too. I suggest you drop him.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (2 December 2011):
If you are planning on sticking around, you need to wait 5 months.
If he hasn't divorced in the period of time he gave you, it is time to move on completely.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2011):
 yep if you really like him then your best bet is to drop him till AFTER he's legally separated or divorced (for example in my state there is no such thing as a legal separation you are either married or divorced)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): once someone claims to have made the clear decision to end their marriage, any reason for "not just yet" is just an excuse when the real reason is that they are not emotionally ready to divorce so they're coming up with excuses to stall for more time. there's no reason he can't help her out financially even if they divorce now. money is money, whether it changes hands before divorce or after. he is showing signs that he's not actually emotionally ready to divorce yet. in which case he shouldn't be carrying on with you, the fact that he is suggests that he's using you as a crutch. He has one foot in his marriage and the other in this new relationship with you and he hasn't actually decided which one he wants to stick with. This is unstable territory and I don't think you should let yourself stay in this situation because it's very unfair to you.
he's even telling you that he's "not sure what will happen" which already means he's saying he could very well end up calling off the divorce.
basically, going through divorce is not easy and it involves some painful emotions for a long time to come. I think he's afraid to experience this and thus is trying to not really divorce yet at the same time starting a new relationship. People who try to avoid personal pain, at the expense of treating other people unfairly, should be avoided.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 December 2011):
this is a red flag. He's stalling on his divorce, and trying to keep you hanging on. There's lots of reasons he could be delaying his divorce - maybe he's secretly trying to buy time to see if they can reconcile, or maybe he's afraid to lose out on some aspect of that relationship and doesn't actually want it to end. or maybe he does want to divorce but is too weak-willed to do it. whatever the reason, he seems very comfortable with his present "in limbo" position. He doesnt' seem in a hurry to transition to a new stage of his life or move on. this means that you could be left hanging for a long time.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 heard this thousands of times over.
If he has every intention of being a single man in the next 6mo, then I suggest that you stop contact until he has his divorce.
If things are as amazing as you suggest, then 6mo isnt very long in light of a lifetime together.
Sadly I suspect there will be no divorce in 5mo or even 5years unless his wife kicks his cheating ass to the curb.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 So here's the thing, you don't want to, in this situation, let him have his cake and eat it. No contact till the ink has dried on those divorce papers. Doing so only adds to temptation and more confusion. He can justify it by saying it's just a friendship etc. But then, what happens when you two end up flirting? Or going to "friendly" outings? So tell him you'd rather wait to have contact until the divorce is final. You owe him no explanations. Be firm and uphold that. If he is a man of subsatnce, he will honor your request and return to you after the divorce (if you're still available and want to date). If not, believe me, he will be after you just to "see you" the relationship will turn sexual and years later, he'll still be married and have his mistress-you. Tread carefully and stick to your guns! Take care and best of luck..
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 December 2011):
 "a man who is still married but unhappy. he tells me he will file for divorce within the next 5 months.... always says sweet things to me, but doesnt know what will happen or when he will be ready for me"
Yep, heard your story before, hundreds and hundreds of times... please read this post, it will make a lot of things seem more clearer to you, there are many women in your situation. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html You can read this whilst you are waiting for him to make up his mind, and whilst you figure out what to do.
1. Yep he likes you, and yes it's not all about sex (probably)
2. Nope he won't divorce, most times men don't. First he stays because she needs money, then it's the kids, his mother, or she needs more money, or she has a headache... on and on and on you wait, until she gets pregnant again.
3. "He doesn't know what will happen, or when he will be ready" this is married man's version of "I'm not gonna divorce my wife, don't get up your hopes, I'm not promising nothing"
4. "I want to talk daily" - Translation into sensible talk "I feel guilty at the moment, but this will pass, I will want to have sex with you again, and I don't want you to run off"
DON'T TRUST NO MARRIED MAN - THEY LIE A LOT, AND USUALLY DON'T LEAVE THE WIFE, AND WHEN THEY DO, THEY OFTEN LEAVE YOU AND GO BACK TO HER.
As I say, you can waste a lot of life waiting around on a married man, on that post I've given you links to, we got women waiting 5, 10 and 20years.. the excuses never stop about why he can't leave and be with you. Get out while you can, before he turns into a serious addiction for you, and you find yourself unable to leave and walk away. Cut all contact and loose his number, don't do the daily thing, that is will be soul destroying for you and will only keep you trapped.
Please read the post, every single letter there, and join the "other women's club", who are confused and sad, just like you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Yes..... drop him.... and, when he becomes "available" by completing his divorce, tell him to call you.....
Don't be stupid.... guys do this all the time.... and the second woman (you!!) is usually the one who gets screwed... and I DON'T mean in a pleasant way......
Good luck....
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