A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been having an affair with a man for around 9 months. At the beginning of the month he left his wife and is getting a divorce. Over the last 5 mths our relationship and become stronger and we've fell in love with each other. He used to make excuses and sneak off everynight to see me, he was extremely affectionate telling me he loved me all the time, txting me all day and making excuses to ring me. He also used to tell me how he couldnt wait to be with me and nothing would ever change in our relationship and that he was really happy. He used to tell me he missed me and thought about me all day. Since he left his wife thats all changed, he isnt as affectionate and doesnt tell me he loves me as much, if I txt him telling him i love him he never replies, in fact he doesn't reply much at all to my txts. He also loses his temper with me over the smallest things and is starting to put me down. Ive talked to him about it and he he says he loves me and that he is happy, but that he just needs to get used to the leaving his wife malarky. He said after a few months everything will be fine and we'll be back to the way we were but I'm not so sure, if things dont go his way he threatens to end it with me. I know he loves me but I'm not sure whats happened? Any advice?
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Of course things were good in the beginning. You got his good side, while his wife washed his dirty underwear. You got him freshly showered, she had to smell his dirty feet. You got him when he was in a good mood, she had to endure his bad ones. You got all the best in him, she got the leftovers.
Now you're seeing who is really is, and the reality of who he really is does not live up to the fantasy of who you though he was. Not only he is a philanderer, he is manipulative, verbally abusive and has a bad temper.
Let go of the fantasy. Stop thinking with your heart and use your head. A man who loves you does not threaten to end things with you when he can't get his way, nor does he put you down. The truth is that he does not love you; you were the exit affair and now that he's free, the last thing he wants is to be tied down in another relationship. It's just a matter of time before he's sneaking off to meet someone else. You need to get out of this NOW.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 January 2010):
This is a complete classic, I'm afraid. This is why women are warned again and again about affairs with married men. He used you as an escape in his marriage. Now he has escaped his marriage, you are surplus to requirement and are now expendable. He just used you, he didn't love you. Now I am sure that's painful, but there it is. He doesn't love you at all, no matter what you think. Check out all the posts on this site from women who have been involved with married men. They have all been used and lied to. And so have you. End it with him, because he will with you as soon as he feels like it. You can do better than a cheating man who just uses you, and now tries to control you too.
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A
female
reader, Alisha27 +, writes (30 January 2010):
I myself am in a similmar situation, but he and I are both getting divorced from our spouses to be together...we texted/emailed a lot until he filed for divorce, and now we have had to cut off ALL communication just in case his texts/emails/phone records get subpoenaed. It could cause him to lose his son, so I know I have to just deal with not hearing from him right now. But anyway...back to your story....one red flag I noticed while reading your question was the part about him not getting his way. That is NOT a good sign. Do you really want someone who controls everything? My current husband is very controlling, and trust me, it only gets worse. Before you know it, you are holding all of YOUR feelings inside just to "keep the peace". It is hell!
Maybe he is just going through some adjustments. Maybe, now that he isn't sneaking around, all the excitement is gone for him. I've personally known several people in similar situations and usually the one cheating thinks the grass is greener on the other side...until the OTHER SIDE is PERMANENT. He may be one of those types that I refer to as a "renter" as opposed to a "buyer"...if he just "rents" out the property, he doesn't have to do maintenance, there's no dirty work, and if he gets tired of the place he can EASILY pack up and find another place to rent. A "buyer", on the other hand, WANTS and NEEDS stability so he searches around until he finds the PERFECT property, then invests ALL of his hard-earned money and time into maintaining it...and he is ALWAYS ready to make repairs to ensure his investment. I'm sure it was fun for this guy to be adored by someone other than his wife. Afterall, marriages tend to lose their spark after a few years unless BOTH parties work at keeping the spark alive. Maybe I am completely wrong, and I hope I am but from what you've said it sounds like you need to let him go...find someone who will respect you no matter what.
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