A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Let's say that I am friends with another mom through our girls since they are in the same grade at school. We don't do a lot together, but we go to our girls' events (sports, etc.) together, and I feel that we are pretty good friends.Two of the other moms are very good friends, and their girls are best friends, but one of them moved to go to another local school. They are still good friends, and we all participate in sports together. My daughter is more shy, and I feel that she is kind of left out with the girls at school as there are only four girls, and they are all more outgoing. This really hurts my feelings to begin with. I feel that my friend would rather her daughter would be friends with the more outgoing girls.Well, my friend's daughter and one of the other ladies' daughters are best friends at school now, and the moms are becoming friends. My feelings are really hurt as I feel that I am being pushed to the side. I can tell that the other mom's feelings are hurt also and that she feels pushed to the side as well by her friend. I understand that people can make other friends, but I feel that my friendship is not important to her.Without asking, how could I know for sure if my friendship is important to the person I consider a friend? She is a very to-the-point kind of person. She doesn't ever call to see how we are doing. We see each other around --school, etc. I have helped her out lots with her daughter and have done lots of favors for her.What steps should I take, as well as the other lady, if we both would like to keep our friendships?Here are a few options that I came up with: Do I --A. Make sure I call my friend often and keep in close touch, so she knows for sure that I want to be her friend? Do I ask her to do things one-on-one, even though this is not really her style?B. Say things like, "So, are we not good enough for you anymore since you are such big buddies with Susan? Do your girls do everything together? Is my daughter not good enough for your daughter?"C. Keep my distance, completely back off and let her come to me. That way I could feel her out and know whether or not she wanted to be my friend.Are there any other options that you can think of that would be better?I am a sentimental kind of person, and I really do consider my friendships important.Hurt in Hainesville
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 I know that there is a lot of status and power in the school yard now. Mothers want to be best friends with the most popular mum's, with the richest mothers, with the mothers who have status and power. They think it makes them more important, in the small world of schoolville, and they think it will help their children, as they'll get invited to the best parties, their children will be with the richest kids, ect, ect, ect.....
This is all crap. It leaves so many other mothers out. The shy mothers, the poor mothers, mothers who work full time, disabled mothers, and sometimes mother's from a different background, a different race, or a different religion, all these women are shunned.
This kind of behaviour also leads to gossiping, backstabbing and power games. What happens when your children fall out, do you mothers stop talking. What happens when you mothers have a bust up, do you demand that you children stop playing.
Your daughter deserves to have a drama free life, and a lot of friendship made a the school gates are very shallow, and based on popularity, rather than actual caring, sharing interests or liking each other.
I'd go for C, it's demeaning and embarrassing for a woman your age to be running after Mrs popular and begging her to be friends. Learn some pride, so your daughter won't hear rumours that you are so desperate to be part of the crowd that you embarrass yourself. People that like you call you and spend time with you. In this situation you do all the running, you help the other woman's daughter, whilst she doesn't involve you and doesn't even bother to call. This is not a friendship.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Wow - maybe it is just me but I find this really odd.
I didn't think mature aged adults did stuff like this, ... you are jealous of other people's friendships and plotting wether or not to make snide remarks that will make you look like a school girl?
Umm, just don't so it! No one has to be friends with anyone else, and people do just naturally gravitate towards certain people more than others. That's life! That's why people have friend, best friends, and acquaintances - not everyone is gunna be at the same level with each other.
This applies to your daughter and her peer group too. You should not be concerning yourself with school yard nonsense over whose daughter is best friends with who elses daughter. Let your daughter find her own besty when her and another just feel that friendly towards each other,... and I would advice against voicing any of this to her lest she too ends up with warped idea's and thinks natural human interactions and preferences are not ok.
I dont know why, even if out of sentimentality, you would want to force a friendship with another if it is not happening naturally anyway. Wouldn't that just feel fake to you?
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