A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm going to give the whole story of my situation. I know it's morally wrong but no one is perfect. So please don't respond if you want to talk about morals. I just need some honest opinions with my situation. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for two and a half years. We are both married at the time. Well her and husband just divorced because they were unhappy with each other. My marriage has been falling apart for about three years also. So me and my wife will soon be filing once we take care of some very important financial matters. Anyway when me and my girlfriend started messing around we both agreed that we will not force each other to leave our spouse if we fell in love. My girlfriend has three kids from her previous marriage 5, 8, and 13. She has a busy schedule work and taking care of her kids. I commend her for working hard to take care of her kids. Lately we have been having issues because of her schedule changed. We try to spend time with each other but we have conflicting schedules. I work Monday-Friday days and she works Wednesday-Monday nights. We try our best to keep our lines of communication and quality time. But it gets complicated at times. She has to make sure she takes care and spend time with her kids. In which I support her 100%. But now it seems like our quality time has become almost non-existing. So a few weeks ago she told me that she wanted to end our relationship. Due to the fact we hardly see each other. Well she made it harder. She want's to keep our relationship hidden from her kids. Before she wanted to come over when her kids are sleep. Then she said she couldn't do that. So we had to meet somewhere else. Then she said she couldn't do that becuase she had to be there with her kids. So she asked me to come over when they are sleep. Then she decided that she couldn't do that. She said her kids will be waiting up for her at 1120pm. She said that we had to do it on her off days but I couldn't do that unless it's around nine. She agreed but changed her mind a few days later. She told me it will have to be 11pm. I couldn't do that because I had to get up for work at 530am. She has been doing this every once in awhile. I believe she is so confused.She told me that she still loves me but it will be too hard to see each other. It's so confusing because she ask me multiple times to never leave her. She also told me she wanted us to be strong and never to give up on our relationship. The most recent was about two weeks ago when we were together. She text me about a week and half ago telling me she truly loves me but her kids come first. She also stated that I need to leave my wife. That she needs me with her more often. I know her kids are first that's why I never had her to choose between me and them. She also knows what the situation is with my wife. After talking it seemed like everything was going well. Then while I was talking to her I told her I did a lot for her she did not like how I said it. Anyway we worked everything out but come to find out she was stressing about us unable to see each other. Then about few days ago she sent me an ultimatum. She wanted me to leave my wife and be with her. If I didn't then she can't be with me. I was upset when I responded because prior to that she was barely contacting me and now I know the reason why. I did say some mean things to her when I replied back. Since that day she hasn't contact me. I need some opinions on what I should do. We are both stubborn(especially her). I haven't contacted her in a few days. Should I wait a little longer to contact her? Should I wait for her to contact me? or Should I just leave it alone? We both love each other and we both want to be together. I know this was long and confusing but I had to put everything out there.Thanks
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 I think that if you want to keep this woman you should speed up the divorce process . If you can't- tough luck, it's not her fault , is it ?, if you got entangled financially.
Look, your verbal agreement of " not pressuring each other etc. etc ".... is not worth the paper it was written on :)- the fact is, that now she is single , and you are married. She may want to be with you, but she may not want to wait forever until that's possible, and most of all she may not want to make her own life miserable in the meantime,, or more complicated than it's necessary, just for the sake of waiting for your financial convenience.
In other words, if you can fit into her life as it is now, great- if not, why does she have to do backflips in order to accomodate a married, still unavailable guy ? I guess she is thinking along these lines - and if she does, she displays a good deal of common sense .
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Your finances are incidental. Money is only money. I don't care how unique your situation is because if it involves money, it's not unique.
Your mistress is now single and is no longer interested in your relationship being illicit. She wants it to be legitimate.
You are so focused and hung up on this promise you both made when you were BOTH illicit that you wouldn't pressure the other to leave spouses. Hey! That's null and void now that SHE IS SINGLE. The moment they divorced, your relationship changed forever. New rules!
She wants a real relationship, not an illicit one. Your reason for not wanting to leave your wife for financial reasons sounds like the typical excuse a man gives when he's faced with living up to the worthless promises he makes in bed with his mistress "I wish I was with you instead of with her". Those are worthless words men say to keep women in their bed, but when the moment of truth comes out and they are now able to demand the wholeness of a relationship, they squirm and hide and hedge and blame, revealing that they never truly loved their mistress, and only loved the benefits of the sex and the "girlfriend experience" without actually having to invest their time and heart in the not-so-fun parts of the relationship.
She doesn't need you trying to placate her. She doesn't need any more pillow talk. She doesn't need you trying to stall by saying "you promised there'd be no pressure".
She needs you to leave your wife. You either will or you won't. Cutting past the bull****, which is worth more to you, your mistress or your money? Your mistress, or the married life? Your mistress, or your ego?
You could walk *today*. You own a business that you don't want to be half your wife's? You own retirement pensions you don't want her to have? You have an inheritance that's waiting in escrow you want to wait to divorce so that she can't claim it? That's the price of ending a marriage. And all flimsy. You're cheating your wife. You're cheating your mistress. This is why starting relationships before the resolution of your marriage is so messy and selfish. You prefer to be in limbo because it benefits you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
 I think that until you have worked out your divorce and are living alone that you should not contact her.
I've been divorced several times. I'm the one with the money... it was never that hard. I wanted out.. I got out...
you say we don't' get it... don't be so sure...
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Hi
Her kids may know you as a family friend, they don't know you as their mums partner so it would be a totally different situation.
I wouldn't contact her until your divorce is final and you have moved out. Thats what she wants,for you to action your words and promises.You could tell her thats when you will be back.
She is single now,her marriage ended.If she wants you badly enough she will wait.If she doesn't then she won't.She knows only what you TELL her so now its a waiting game for you to prove you were genuine.
You both cheated for whatever reason,her husband divorced her,she didn't initiate it,she lined you up ready but now your not free so,as a single woman she can do as she pleases.Even if you get together you have a long rocky road ahead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): Once again thanks for the responses. I respect your opinions You both don't understand what I mean when I'm referring to finances. It is an unique situation and that's all I can say. As I stated before we both agree that we will not pressure each other to leave our spouse if we ended up falling in love. She knows about my situation but situation. She just changed up since her situation no longer exists. My situation with my wife is about to be resolved. Anyway we(my gf) had a major disagreement last week & things were said that shouldn't been said. All I want to know what should I do. Should I contact her? Or should I wait until she contacts me? We both love each other & we don't want to end this. That's all I want to know is which is the best option.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): To all thanks for responding.oldbag,AuntyEm, We already discussed our situation prior to it becoming serious. It was a promise that we made with each other. We weren't going to force each other to leave our spouse under any conditions. She did not get a divorce because of me. She did not initiate the divorce her husband did. He was distant and unhappy with her while they were married. He was the one tired of being married to her. It was just her situation escalated a lot faster than mine. So now she is forcing me to end mine when she know why I can't right now. See the reason why in my response to YouWish. I forgot to mention her kids know me and enjoy being around me. She wanted to tell them but she want's to wait.YouWish,Yes my wife knows that we are getting a divorce. I said in my post that we are only sticking it out so we can take care of some important financial issues. Something I will not discuss on here
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 October 2012):
 Nobody is asking you to discuss your finances on here. I know of people who won't split until the money is sorted out but it does not change the fact that your supposed GF is now single and if she is a smart woman, she won't wait forever...but who knows, if you spin her enough excuses, she may buy it.
The entire situation is a mess and the long and the short of it is that you have both cheated on your spouses and that means that you will both have to work twice as hard to make your relationship work because each of you knows that the other could cheat again.
I think you have had your cake, but now the situation has changed, you might find your GF is not so accomodating of your needs and will be pressing for her own...
Think that is evident already, thats why she's pressurising you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 October 2012):
With all due respect, you are full of excuses and you know it. Settling financial issues is as simple as filing for divorce and allowing a judge or impartial arbitrator to fairly sort out your financial road map for the future. You saying "I can't until..." is a way to hold onto the marriage.
Someone who truly wants to move on will make it happen. However, for you, your ego doesn't want to deal with being divorced. A divorce is a grave failure, but it's also a harbinger of change.
Money is so infinitely petty. We always make more. We always build our nest eggs. To use it as an excuse to move on is an excuse that is easily seen through. Your mistress easily sees through it. So do I.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): To all thanks for responding.oldbag,AuntyEm, We already discussed our situation prior to it becoming serious. It was a promise that we made with each other. We weren't going to force each other to leave our spouse under any conditions. She did not get a divorce because of me. She did not initiate the divorce her husband did. He was distant and unhappy with her while they were married. He was the one tired of being married to her. It was just her situation escalated a lot faster than mine. So now she is forcing me to end mine when she know why I can't right now. See the reason why in my response to YouWish. I forgot to mention her kids know me and enjoy being around me. She wanted to tell them but she want's to wait.YouWish,Yes my wife knows that we are getting a divorce. I said in my post that we are only sticking it out so we can take care of some important financial issues. Something I will not discuss on here
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 October 2012):
Hi
The way I read it is she thought you would divorce your wife after she had gone through with her divorce and so be available and free as she is. However your still married.
She doesnt want the children confused by meeting you nor I suspect will she want her Ex to know about you via them,he would probably realise immediately she had been seeing you while they were married.She has enough on her plate already
If you are going to get divorced,just do it,no excuses,for your wifes sake. OR - stay married and set the other woman free,forget her.
Play with fire and you get burnt
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 October 2012):
Agree 100% with YOUWISH...brilliant answer...and the correct one.
Until you move out and file for divorce, everything you say (because words are cheap)to your girlfriend means zilch.
You need to stay away from her and give her space to sort out her new single life until you can bring some concrete evidence of commitment to the table...not just words...
But you won't, because you are too selfish about your own needs.
You seriously need to get some morals because living without them is what is sending humankind to the dogs!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 October 2012):
Very messy. And kinda offensive. I have to get my moral toothache out of the way, and then we can move on. You both are stomping a mudhole into the very fabric of love, marriage, trust, security, and honesty.
There, that's out of the way. Now I can advise you:
There's a *huge* difference between the two of you. You've trampled all over your marriage without a care in the world, and your biggest worry is your financial situation with your wife. Does your wife *know* you're filing? Does your wife know about your affair? Or is she laboring under the delusion that your marriage can be worked on?
However, your mistress DOES care what she's done and is doing. She won't stop, but she feels guilty as hell when it comes to her kids. You're still her dirty little secret when it comes to them, and your presence in her life where their dad occupies will devastate them. She is having the worst time with the affair, and in her mind, the only way to alleviate this is to either leave you OR make you "respectable", meaning she's single and so are you.
She can't go on like the two of you have been doing, and you're content to have things as they are and damn the fallout to anyone else's lives.
I'm telling you straight out that while you remain married, every single word you dare to utter to her about your marriage or your love for her is worthless. Actions, not words, are what matter. The promise to leave your wife is worthless unless you do it. The whole "We have finances blah blah blah" means about as much as a speck of dirt.
You need to settle things with your wife. Let her go free, but this life you're living has to end. Your mistress already has reached that conclusion, and she's right to reach it. You both made vows to your spouses, and she has finally ended her relationship.
She needs to be single and date a single man, because dating a married man when you're single is not healthy. She wants a *whole* relationship, and as long as you're waffling back and forth with your wife, you can't begin to offer it, and you should NOT be around her kids until you do it.
That's about as far as I can go with this, because all I can think of are all the people being hurt now by this. You cannot live your life without any morals, and you cannot live your life without being concerned about the effects your choices in life have on others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): Hey Though it looks complicated I think the basics here are that she wants more time with you which she can't get.Taking care of the three kids, the job is taxing enough and she may be annoyed at herself for falling for a man who can't be there for her when she needs him, has a wife already and sometimes even says things she will not like to hear. I'm just seeing this from her point of view that's all. She clearly does love you but she wants more of you. You need to decide if this is something you can do or ate willing to do. Does she have timelines around when u will divorce your wife? If not then she may also be wondering if you will really do that. Remember she's had to have been through a lot to be a single mum with 3 kids and its not easy - so you need to convince her that you love her, will support her through thick and thin and will leave your wife by x date and that will hopefully give her the peace of mind she needs.
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