A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been married for quite a few years, but I have always known I married on the rebound from my first marriage, which also was never right. The reason for this is that there was always someone else that I loved, but I never explored it as I had no idea until 3 years ago that he felt the same way. We met at school when we were 14 and were best of friends. We continued our friendship into our 20's and then lost touch. He contacted me on a social networking site and asked if I'd like to meet for a coffee and a chat. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up admitting what we'd felt for each other. He had always wanted to marry me and I him, but we never told each other. We began an affair that has lasted and planned to leave our partners until he had a stroke 9 months ago. I managed to see him in hospital and lately at his home when his wife was at work. He has kept in touch but can't speak very well. He still loves me and I still love him. His wife had suspected something was going on, but had no proof. She virtually keeps him locked away now and he wants to get away. I have no idea how or where to start. I just want him to be well and happy. Can someone advise me what to do for this lovely man who I want to spend the rest of my life with? I am so desperate to sort this out.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (17 February 2011):
If you know you two really want to be with each other, then you should be together, but not by prolonging this affair. Take the leap and end your marriages (since there's no hope for your marriages if you really want with all your heart and soul to be with someone else). But you have to take concrete action. good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know this whole thing is so wrong and I am essentially a very loyal person, having never done anything like this before. We have only one life and we want to spend it with each other. Yes I know it will be difficult, but I want to help him get better. He calls me sounding so desparate and rants on the phone until I can calm him down. He has his intellect but so few words. I agree a lot with what everyone has said but if only things were so black and white!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Karma has a way of putting a spanner in the works doesn't it. You are a mature woman, but this hasn't stopped you from committing adultery.Please do not disrespect this mans wife by going into her home. Yes you may have been sleeping with her hb but this does not give you the right to disrespect her and her home. You had absolutely no right to venture into her home. Even while this man is now bedridden he belittles his marriage by accepting you in his home.This mans wife does not keep him a prisoner. As a wife she is caring for her hb. Dammit she still goes to work to provide for him. If you have any sense of decency at all you will not go to your lovers home again. Maybe once he gets better then he can decide to leave. How does he live with himself knowing that he is cheating on his wife yet she is the one caring for him while he is ill.I think it is best for you to divorce your hb. You are not faithful to him and well you do not love him.Your hb and your lovers wife are good people. They also deserve respect and dignity. Perhaps you and this man can understand this.Have you ever taken care of a person who has suffered a stroke? My mother did have a stoke and trust me when I say all your romantic illicit liaisons will come to an abrupt end once you become nurse and mother to this invalid. I take my hat off to anyone who cares for a stroke patient.Karma really does strike when you least expect it.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): You want to know how to make it happen so you two can be together?
It sounds pretty clear cut to me: you need to divorce your husband and he needs to divorce his wife.
So, what exactly is the question?
You said you two were already planning to leave your marriages before he had his stroke. So, what has changed and why can't you still follow through on that original plan?
Are you saying his wife keeps him imprisoned?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): "We began an affair that has lasted and planned to leave our partners until he had a stroke 9 months ago."If you had made firm plans to leave your partners before his stroke, that means you must already have settled, in your hearts, that you for sure both want to end your marriages. Why then, does the stroke change this, or how?You must leave your husband. You've already decided to leave him long ago. It's wrong to ONLY leave your husband if you have someone else lined up and if that plan falls through, then to stay on with him. If you do this, you're basically using your husband as nothing more than a security blanket and that's not fair to him. After all, he doesn't have anyone else lined up. If you were going to leave your husband 9 months ago, then you should still leave him now. Why not do that as the first step.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Why would you want to cheat at this age, sure its so romantic this first love of yours is back in your life. But dont you think now that there are other people involved like your "spouses" that its just callous to do that to them. Please, save yourself some stress, take care of business at home. Save grief on everyones behalf..if its meant to be it will be but now cheating..
you know Karma is not to nice..
take care...and please think over your actions...
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (4 February 2011):
you and him should end your affair until you are both divorced from your spouses. Then you can start a real relationship.
So, I think you should both end your affair first, and then take time apart from each other. During this time apart, you should discuss with your husband about ending the marriage. Or you could leave discussion out and just inform your husband you want a divorce - whatever is appropriate to your marriage and that relationship. and your lover should do the same with his wife. this process can take a long time - months or even years and be a real emotional roller coaster, so be prepared for that.....
Probably one or both of your spouses will throw a fit and not want to divorce. So you'll have to work through that - it may mean that you end up feeling unwilling to leave your marriage, or your lover might feel that way about his. either way you should continue to keep the affair ended.
Maybe after more time has passed without the affair you will find that either the pull of wanting to be together overcomes your unwillingness about divorcing and then divorce will seem like a more clear cut and valid decision. if so I think this is healthy because then you will be divorcing with a much stronger conviction that it's the right thing to do.
Or maybe after more time has passed you will find that you are glad you stayed married and ended contact with each other.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Well you should have thought in this before you started having an affair. At the end of the day his wife is his partner there fore she is his next in kin and if he is finding it difficult to talk then not mant people are going to listen to you if you tell them that he wants to leave.
I just dont accept why people cheat, if you realised that you wanted him not your husband then you should have left your husband and then went on to date this other man, but only if he was free and single as well. I mean put yourself in his wives shoes, her husband has only suffered a stroke and now you want to take him away from her completely, thats a very heartless thing to do.
There is not a lot you can do hear in this situation really. I suggest leaving your husband for starters let him find someone that will treat him good. Also if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man am afraid you are going to have to tell his wife about the affair and if he wants to leave then thats great for you. Am sure if his speech is really bad he can knod his head in agreement with you if he wants to leave with you. So really your only option is to go to his wife and tell her the truth.
Also you need to be prepared for the life long commitment that you are making, looking after someone that has had a stroke is not easy and you may need to give up a lot to care for him. Maybe you could do some research on the internet on how to care for someone who has had a stroke and what to expect.
Goodluck and all the best.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (3 February 2011):
 It's too bad your marriages haven't worked out. His either for that matter. You are probably going to get some brutal responses to what you have posted, but mine will not be one of them.
Your case is a classic case of a lost love reconnection. I know a lot about what the two of you are feeling. A lot of research has been done on this subject. Most of it is by Dr. Nancy Kalish, who has devoted her life's work to researching the phenomenon. It would probably do you some good to read her book, "Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances" It will help you to understand your circumstances. She also has a website and a forum for folks whose lives have been altered by a lost love reconnection. There are a lot of caring, intelligent, understanding people there. You will find support there.
As far as what to do to reach this man...it will be difficult as long as you both are married. It really would be best if both of you settled the issues in your marriages, whether that means divorce or not, before making plans to be together. You both have built lives with others. There will be much collateral damage if you attempt to come together under the present circumstances.
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A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Miss save your self the agony, pain, and stress. you deserve peace at your age. Use all of the knowledge that you have obtain through out the years and think this through. You have to be sure about your feelings before you make BIG decisions pertaining to relationships. You are married and your lover is married.
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