A
female
age
41-50,
*ngel delight
writes:I had an affair for 18 months with a married man who has two small kids. Last month he ended it telling me that the lying to everyone was making him stressed. We both work together and he wanted to stay friends. I am the 3rd person (i know of) he has had something with whilst being married. Although, i know im definately the longest. The other two have been meaningless sex. He texts me lots every day and says goodnight and good morning every day too. I know he isnt happy at home but is staying for the kids. He has told me that he has nothing in common with and is not attracted to his wife. We meet regularly for drinks or at the gym and two weeks after he ended it he told me he missed me. Why wont he let me go? Why does he want to be friends with me? Is it to keep an eye on me? I told him last week that I was going out on a date and he went mad and started verbally insulting me, telling me that he was feeling guilty about ending it when all along I was "lining up dates" Ive told him how I feel about him and he knows how upset I am but he wont discuss it with me and starts to clam up and accuse me of mind games when i ask him how he feels about me. I really care for him.. will he ever come back to me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2019): Oh my why is no one pointing out that this married guy is a Narcissist. I really hope you're still not with him. Do yourself a favor and this will be the biggest and most loving thing to do - educate yourself about Narcissism ok Please. Listen on youtube to Dr. Carmen Bryant to name a few. Please...and go No Contact with him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): his wife deserves better.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 How can I stay friends with him but not be attracted to him?
That is like asking "How can I hug a porcupine and NOT get hurt?"
You do not really WANT him, but you are addicted to him making you feel valued by missing you.
You want him to WANT you. But you want the WRONG PERSON to want you? Get it?
You crave the attention from him because it gives you some validation. Have some personal pride.
You can not turn a dysfunctional person into a functional friend just because you want it.
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female
reader, Angel delight +, writes (18 June 2011):
Angel delight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy do you think he is manipulating me?
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female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (18 June 2011):
 How can you stay friends without being attracted?What value would his friendship be? He didn't want to see if you were even okay. His reasons for saying he cares about you are completely selfish. Considering what you've said here, I wouldn't be surprised if he was looking for someone else.He is trying to pull your strings. He won't text you because he wants you to text him so he knows he has the control. No matter how tempting it is don't text him. Turn off your phone if need be to keep from being tempted. Delete his number, change your number so he can't call or text. Whatever it takes.It is never a sign of true care and affection to say you hate someone. Having the capacity to say that about someone you claim to want to be with... not right.Good job for telling him you don't want contact. That's the first step in pulling yourself out of this awful mess.I hope this entire thing has taught you to never see a married man again. You made the mistake of growing attached to someone who could never give you what you want. Don't let yourself be used anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): He is manipulating you...
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (18 June 2011):
You're the 3rd person (that you know of...?) That means there may have been more.Of course he is going to say they were meaningless sex! (He will say that about you to when he moves on to the next one!) He is a liar and a cheat, you have wasted 18 months on this man, don't waste anymore. Do you believe you could ever trust him if you two got together? Why did you tell him you were going on a date? To get a reaction from him? Of course he is going to be jealous! The fact he has nothing in common with his wife and is not attracted to her is his problem. (If you even believe that?) The old 'my wife doesn't understand me' springs to mind!!! Doesn't make it right to just keep having affairs! He should either leave her or try and make a go of his marriage.Be polite when in work, but I would change your number if I were you. Cut him out of your life now, and be glad he ended it, or you may have ended up with him and the one being deceived like his wife and children are.
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female
reader, Angel delight +, writes (18 June 2011):
Angel delight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice:-)
I told him yesterday that I think we shouldnt contact each other for a while. He said he'd miss me but would do what I wanted. Im finding it really hard now not to text him but i dont think id know what to say to him if i did.I spend all my time thinking about him and hopng he's missing me. When we parted company yesterday I was extremely upset and he knew that but he hasnt even sent a short text to see if im ok. Does that mean hes moved on and doesnt care about me? In the heat of the moment yesterday I told him i was going to tell his wife and he told me he hated me, that I was sick and the last two years with me have meant nothing to him!! Judging by his past history I wouldnt be suprised if he is already seeing someone else. I know this man is married and I deserve better and all that but i cant let go. How can I stay friends with him but not be attracted to him?
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female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (18 June 2011):
'will he ever come back to me?' I sure hope not.He is cheating on his wife with you. He may be unhappy in his marriage, he may not find her attractive anymore but in any case that is not, was not, and never will be your problem. It's his and it leaves no excuse for him to have an affair not only once, but three times?!Stop caring if he gets angry with you for seeing other people. He broke it off, he has no say in it. I think the best option would be to cut contact outside of your work environment if you so happen to run into him there.Saying your playing mind games for wanting to know how you feel? Mind game in itself. He's trying to make you feel guilty for questioning his feelings for you when you have every right to.If you do decide to text him keep conversations short and if you can don't push the conversation further. As in he says 'Hey how are you?' you say 'Fine.' Nothing else.I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, just know that you are too good to be 'the other woman'. Good luck.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 June 2011):
So, you wanted to continue the affair with a married man?
It is not just HIS choice to walk away from the relationship-it can be yours too.
Just because we really care for people, does not mean we SHOULD be with them. You would be sneaking around with a cheater.
If you want him to not be jealous, cut ALL ties with him and have NO CONTACT.
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