A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a close relationship with a work colleague, who I have known for 15 years. Over the last few years we started running together. She would mention the negatives alit about her marriage and would flirt with me. She told me that her husband had been meeting ex girlfriends and wives without telling her. Last year she told me she was leaving her.husband and was serious about me. I declined her advances and she never broke off with her husband. We still communicate and talk when we me her advances to me have declined but the still texts. I have changed jobs recently. What’s the best way to move forward. I enjoy our friendship but don’t want to lose that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2021): Your relationship with this woman is wrong on all levels, and you know it. There is no such thing as a friendship with a person of the opposite sex who is committed to another person in marriage. Lines become blurred and potentially crossed. Why? Because you put yourself in a position to cross a line. Simple. If you do not put yourself in this position then there is no possibility that any line would ever be crossed. Also simple. But you are flirting with temptation, aren't you? And do you know it? Absolutely you do. You could not convince me otherwise.
My ex boyfriend was married before. While married, he went on a camping trip with friends over a weekend. He told me there were other couples and him. His wife apparently did not want to go and sent him by himself??? Hmmmm!!! Either way, there was this woman who drove up with his friend. His friend was under the impression she was his date for the weekend. He was hoping something more would come of it. But she had set her eyes on my ex boyfriend. She was told he was married. But I guess she assumed since he was on his own, he would be fair game. One night after everybody went to sleep, she stayed up in a cabin with my ex boyfriend. They were apparently talking. And she made a move on him. He told me he stopped her, but I highly doubt that. Moral of the story is, he knew better than to stay up at night talking to some strange woman in a cabin all alone, being a married man. He had to have known she wanted sex. It would be obvious to a man when a woman is signaling interest or is on the prowl. He is not stupid or inexperienced. I lost a great deal of respect for him after he told me this. I know he trusted me enough to tell me, but I just felt less safe with him from that point forward. It told me he was not a man of moral integrity, and did not have morals that matched my own. He knowingly took advantage of an opportunity where he could potentially cheat on his wife. That is what I believe and he could not convince me otherwise. I told him he put himself in that position, where he was encouraging her advances. By being there. You are doing the same thing.
People protest too much. None of us are this naive. We know exactly what we are doing and we know what we are doing is wrong. But the question is what do you do when you know what you are doing is wrong? The answer isn't rocket science. The answer is to remove yourself from the situation. It does not matter if you were "friends" with her for 15 days, 15 weeks or 15 years, she is not your friend. And this is no friendship. You need to stop spending any time alone with her or texting her, encouraging her to keep hoping someday you will cave. She crossed the line by openly flirting with you and talking about her husband to you behind his back. You have NO IDEA if any of what she is telling you is even true. She could easily be embellishing her stories. You should tell her she has to work on these issues with her HUSBAND. Talk to HIM and not YOU. You are not the answer. And you are not interested. Then suggest she enlists the help of a good therapist, for herself, and jointly with her husband. You are not her therapist. You should never be privy to such intimate details of her relationship with another man. She is putting you squarely in the middle. And frankly, that is pretty low of her. She is using you to meet some unmet needs, whether they are unmet by her husband, issues she has with her own self, or whether she is bored or unhappy overall with her life, she thinks you are the answer to all her problems. But actually all you are is a temporary diversion or escape. All her problems will still be there long after you are gone. If you LET her, she would have forbidden sex with you (or ANY man she is trying to CON) and then what? You could never trust a woman this selfish and with ulterior motives. Her husband would come after you and bash your brains in. You would be made a fool out of. I do not know if you are married but the repercussions are even more nuclear if you have a wife and family. This woman is NO friend to you. She is bad news. She is selfish and egotistical. Clearly she enjoys the attention of other men. And not just you, I am sure. She is selling you a pity party, hoping you will bite. If she told you her husband was a good guy and treats her right, would you bite? Of course not. She is no different than married men looking for a bit on the side. Only the married man would say my wife stopped having sex with me, I sleep in the spare room, she spends more time with the kids, she is always texting her ex boyfriend and ignores me. Blah. Blah. Blah. The game plan is always exactly the same. Only the players are different. And yet there always has to be some naive, poor trusting souls who are manipulated and lied to for the players to play. Oftentimes they are women led astray by their emotions. I guess men can be too. But not as often.
So, my guess is you know exactly what you are doing. And always have. You enjoyed this "relationship" for whatever unmet needs you have been filling. But you are starting to feel guilty because maybe you have thought about crossing the line with a married woman, and you are here trying to absolve yourself of that guilt, trying to stop yourself from going further, or are you on the fence? Something is going on with you that brought you here now. Just know that you are equally to blame for encouraging and keeping this friendship for much too long. It has run its course. You were deluding yourself all this time. You are waking up now, aren't you? Or wanting to see reality? Rather than keep making excuses to yourself for holding onto this charade of a friendship? You need to do some soul searching and ask yourself what is it you are missing that you needed this "friendship" to continue all these years. Are you using it as a crutch? What are you getting out of it? Then you need to rip off the band aid. And find other ways to fulfill yourself and expand your horizons. You have placed too many eggs in this woman's basket already. Time to cut the chord. Have you sacrificed potential relationships with other women to continue being involved with this married woman? Life is too short. And you need to find your own happiness. She is not the one. 15 years of this? For what? She has another man to go home to. She is covered. No matter what happens, she will fall right back into his arms. She will be just fine. He is her security blanket when all is said and done. And her life will continue as usual, as if nothing ever happened. He will have no clue about the attention she seeks behind his back. Are you married? If so, are you paying attention to your wife? Making that marriage work or are you alienating affection from your wife because you have been having an emotional affair with a married woman for 15 years? Just because there was no sex does not mean it has not been an affair. Perhaps you need to get yourself into therapy to find out what it is about you that needed to rely on and invest erroneously in this "friendship" for 15 years too long.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 February 2021):
 Sadly when two people have different agendas for a relationship, it seldom works out. You see your relationship as a friendship while she sees it as potentially much more.
I was in a similar situation to you many years ago. I didn't know the meaning of the term "soul mate" until I met this friend. Sadly they wanted more from the friendship and, ultimately, pushed for that, to a point where I had to break off the friendship because what they were pushing for was NEVER what I had wanted or would want in the future. To this day I miss them dreadfully but know it was the right decision because one of us was always going to be dissatisfied with the relationship we had and it was stopping my friend moving on and finding someone who wanted the same things.
Your friend is hurting because of her husband's behaviour. She is looking for something to help distract her from that pain, and that something is a relationship with you. It is not your job to try to fix her pain though. This is something she needs to sort out with her husband and either patch up the marriage or end it and move on, rather than staying in a bad relationship but distracting herself with someone else.
In your shoes I would seriously consider ending this friendship and moving on. However, you can only do that when you are ready. Hopefully that time will come soon.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 February 2021):
 You don't say what your relationship status is, assuming your married i would cut contact with her and move on. There are to many complications here and she was after having her cake and eat it.
We know nothing about her situation, or indeed if her husband is playing away, neither does it really matter now anyway.
You have done nothing wrong here, not even worth mentioning. Delete her and move on with your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): Keep messing around until she crosses the line and you can't hold back.
I'd say it's a good matter to discuss with your wife. If you can't discuss it with your wife, dissolve the friendship.
I can guess what your wife's answer would be to this question; and she's really the one you should be asking.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 February 2021):
 What does your wife think?
(if you are married)
If you are not, HOW would you feel if this was your wife doing this?
You two are not friends. You are using HER as an ego-boost and she is using you as entertainment and escapism.
Just get a new number, let her go. She can mess up her life ALL by herself.
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