A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I feel very stuck in a strange situation. I have tried over and again to get out of it, but never managed it. I really apologise for the long post. I've spent 26 years on and off in a very strange relationship with this person who I now know has ADHD and possibly is on the autism spectrum which, in brief, means that I feel so utterly, incredibly drained - I don't exaggerate when I say I've come to understand I am effectively this person's carer, and no-one else realises this. I get angry that his parents knew when he was a kid but basically turned a blind eye to it and effectively fobbed him off onto me by keeping quiet about his condition, so that i've been parenting what should be a grown man of 47, but who is basically a baby. He is so charming that people tend to assume he is far more capable and intelligent than he is. He charms his way through everything in order to make up for what is basically a learning disability. I used to make up every and any excuse for him, and basically gave my everything to supporting him, even before I finally figured out that he does have a condition, only to find that my love was not returned and instead only made him into a very entitled, selfish person. The main problem - but not the only one - that has taken me ages to fully understand, is that he cannot plan anything, not anything at all. Not long term or short term. I have to plan everything otherwise nothing would happen at all. I constantly have to lead and explain everything too. He breaks things all the time, even really precious things of mine, because he cannot plan from moment to moment how to carry something, or pack something, or transport something for example. He loses things all the time, for the same reason. The deficits in attention make it impossible for him to plan. He tries to fix and repair things but only if I nag and then he does very poor work unless I supervise him very extensively. I cannot ask him to do the most simple thing without a feeling of dread that is so familiar to me now that it's normal and I barely notice it - the dread is because I know he is so limited in things and it has happened millions upon millions of times and caused so many arguments that I now try to numb myself or just not ask. I am talking about very basic things like "could you pass me the flour from the cupboard please" and he will pass me sugar. Over and over again, multiple times a day. Today, the lock for my bike, which went missing months ago, turned up at his workplace. He has no idea how it got there. He never uses my bike. I asked him over and again when it went missing whether he had taken it for some reason or mistaken it for something. Of course he said no. Again, things like this happen all the time. Every meal he cooks is a meal I've taught him to cook. He has had such bad personal hygiene in the past that a doctor had to explain to him how to clean his private parts because he got an infection and, at the time, tried to argue that it was because we hadn't had sex, and kept saying "I think it needs you". His hygiene around the home was disgusting. For years he had terrible exzema which he would moan about and scratch constantly, but do nothing at all to take care of.In the past he was not a nice person. On the surface, he is incredibly charming and draws people to him and had a spontaneity and 'craziness' that I adored, until I understood it was all part of the chaos that he pulls me into over and again and his spontaneity was actually his complete inability to control his impulses. He was also, like many ADHD diagnosed, very highly sexed. This made me feel adored initially, because I'd been extremely neglected by my ex husband.We are opposites. When we met I was so shy I was almost mute. I'd always been an extremely bright kid, always a very hard worker and generally very calm, extremely giving and kind and people used to tell me how beautiful I was, but I always feared they were mistaken. I couldn't see it. Now, at 53, I realise how utterly idiotic I was - I was so attractive, and didn't know how to value this. The problem was and is that I lack assertiveness and have extremely low self esteem because I was abused as a kid by my parents and this set off a cycle of abuse and self denial that has lasted throughout my life and extends to him. My parents, my mother in particular, were extremely neglectful and I was made to feel selfish (to the point of being condemned to hell) if I dared to ask for normal things - I mean really normal things, like a lunch box to put my school lunch into, rather than the used bread bags my mother used make me use. I usually didn't dare to ask because both parents were extremely repressed on the one hand and extremely domineering on the other; totally 'out of it' in terms of what was normal for children and, at the same time, insistent that they knew best and theirs was the only way. A counsellor pointed out to me that my mother very likely had ADHD and that my partner was basically a replacement mother and, as such, replacement abuser. My psyche was so over-ruled by them from childhood that I did not know how to say "no" to anything and was very compliant, so I was easy pray for a sexual abuser, and then became abused by my husband and then this partner who is now a pseudo-partner. My only way of trying to assert myself was to withdraw from a situation. And that's been a lifelong thing I've had to really try to train myself out of, particularly in terms of employment. But it also means I have put up with awful situations, trying to force myself to be part of the normal world and to 'fit in'. I have in many ways. I'm a really high achiever and my life is not so bad, I have some friends now, and one who is a really good friend, but I developed a stress related illness, and so did my daughter, because of the stress of dealing with this person. Weirdly, he is the only person I would turn to at 4am if I was stuck in the middle of no-where. NOT because I think he would resolve the problem, but because he would be the only person I think would accept my call and at least try to help.I went to uni at a slightly later age than most due to being abused, having anorexia, attempting suicide and then marrying at 18 and having my daughter at 20. By the time I did go I already had a 5 year old child and was going through divorce. Via university I met this person and initially fell deeply in love, but I was always concerned at his lack of discipline in terms of anything relating to writing or even slightly complex thinking - for example, he almost failed the written part of his degree, meaning that he got a lower grade overall for his art degree. He also completely ignored my daughter. It sounds crazy to say it now, but although I absolutely hated this about him, I honestly felt like I had to be patient with everyone at uni if they didn't understand my life with my daughter and that it was me who should make the allowances for everyone else otherwise I would be rejected. I still had zero self esteem. I hate myself now, for letting him treat me and her the way he did, I really do hate myself.What has been mind-bending, and caused me a huge amount of self doubt about my perception of him, is all the stuff about different kinds of intelligence, which I do believe in. I go back and forth, back and forth, determined to leave, getting so close to doing so, and then comes exreme doubt abut my own judgement or some problem will kick in that's totally beyond my control. Because he is charming, he is part of the cronyism that is rife in the art world and he has picked up major awards as an artist, after years of basically living 'the life of riley' as they say. He was an alcoholic for years, and he stole his approach to his work from me - and it's this approach that has given him the attention and critical acclaim. His work has never inspired me at all. I find it incredibly superficial although over the years I realise he has gained some technical ability - though many of his paintings have literally fallen apart and he has had to repay monies paid for his work - again, lack of planning in the sense of not planning how his materials would interact with one another in the longer term. But the amount of recognition and rewards he got made me self doubt - I thought I was 'missing' something and was in awe, in a way, of how someone could pull that off.When he was drinking he was abusive towards me. We argued all the time. I see now he couldn't control his emotions enough to talk things through, and because he never has had any long term vision or plans, he couldn't talk things through in relation to any 'bigger picture'. We had the most moronic arguments. I was so incredibly patient, with almost saint-like patience, because I was terrified he would leave me. I had no one. I'd moved to a major city to be close to him and had no friends and very little money, despite working in paid employment. I was a great mum, apart from this arguing with him, and him ignoring my child. What saddens me very much is that I was on a rollercoaster of breaking up almost daily and then amazing 'make-up' sex. I didn't understand how this works at all until recently, that's how naive I am - it kept me hooked. I really thought I had to be patient, that the great sex meant he loved me and that he would change. I now realise that, because this went on for so long, I am really messed up about sex. I feel absolutely numb about it unless - and this is really weird and sad - I am very, very upset about something. I have to be quite traumatised in order to feel any sexual attraction to anyone at all. I've no idea how to get out of that. The thing is, he's the only person I've any kind of close history, and long history with. There's no on else. I've never had friends that will really care about me in that way that is needed in a crisis or over a long period of illness. I had to learn to become tough and go it alone and then would go crying to him when I couldn't cope, not realising he was a central part of the problem - and had terrible experiences of being rejected when I've followed counsellors' advice to 'reach out' t people. I've had to conclude that my daughter does not care about me anywhere near as much as I thought she did - I've always been the one doing all the giving to others and even he has remarked upon this - that people have never helped me but expect me to help them. I've had no support whatsoever from my ex-husband or from any family member. I've been so utterly alone with bringing up my daughter and I've worked like a dog, attending university part time whilst also working. My qualifications are much higher than his, my planning skills are exceptional, but I get ill easily due to stress. I'm worn out. I almost managed to leave him 8 years ago, but by that time I was so ill with stress and no one to look after me at all, so had to accept his help. We became a kind of pseudo-couple, no sex at all since eight years ago, and like friends, but I still wanted to leave him. Then, 3 years later, I almost managed it again, to become independent I mean, but suddenly became very profoundly disabled and had a serious operation. Yet again, no one to look after me except him. So the strange, pseudo- relationship continued. Then, a year ago, I made major plans and very nearly left him but lockdown came and the place where I had bought a flat to Airbnb, which would have allowed me financial independence, suddenly had the regulations changed, meaning I cannot count on that income at all. Since then, we have been in a very odd situation. Me sleeping on his sofa for over a year, financially semi-dependent on him because I lost a major contract in lockdown and the anticipated Airbnb income. I feel so trapped, and so stupid and like I've made a mess of everything. I feel I've lost my looks, all my chances. I worry all the time about my health. He has calmed down a lot, and is actually quite a nice person now, but the ADHD thing makes me feel like I'm weighed down by a ton weight and carrying him all the time. I feel at 53 it's like "now or never". But I don't know what to do. If I leave, I won't earn enough to live on and I can't take on more work easily, due to my health.
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alcoholic, anorexic, disabled, divorce, money, my ex, period, self esteem, shy, trapped, university, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2021):
 I think you have to TRY again to leave. It might have to wait until your finances stabilize when the lockdown is over (hopefully sooner rather than later).
If you know he isn't capable of even small things, why bother asking him to do them? If you have to supervise anyways while giving directions? I think I would just DO things that need done myself. That way you don't have to spend time being frustrated with him, you just DO them. If that make sense?
You aren't married to him. So you don't OWE him to stay.
Also, can your daughter help you out at all?
Make a plan. Make a budget and then work on getting out and away. I think staying to maintain a certain lifestyle is going to make you even more miserable and it's not really fair on him either.
While you have been his carer for a long long time, he HAS stepped up and been yours for a while too, at least financially. I think you also need to recognize that.
You are frustrated and unhappy, figure out how you can live a life YOU can be happier with.
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