A
female
age
51-59,
*assabell
writes:There are two questions I would like answers to please. My first one is about marriage. I normally buy stuff for the house including, ornaments pictures, plants etc and also and garden lights and ornaments. if a light should not work outside my husband will say, Your lights are not working instead of, one of the lights is not working. The ornaments I buy he will say, Your ornaments instead of, That ornament. its always yours never ours and its upsets me a lot as I buy things for both of us to enjoy looking at and to keep the house nice. he is not into material things like me and only seems interested in records but when I but stuff he will say its nice and it will look nice in the house/garden. I thought when your married the saying was what is yours is mine and what is mine is yours. it doesn't seem like that with him. its like whatever I buy it is for me only and not him as well. im not saying he should like everything I buy but when he says, your lights or your ornaments its like we are living together but my stuff belongs to me not us both and thats that. should I just buy things now and say, this is mine if he wants to be like this.My second question is about money. he had £1O left on his credit card which he didn't tell me about. we needed a little shopping and not once did he speak up and tell me he had money left even thou it was not much. he said I would have to pay for the shopping which I did when all along he could of paid for it. he had it but said it was only incase he needed it and it was on the credit card which he would have to pay back. he gets paid on the 28th each month and this is all he as left until he gets paid. I know it does not seem a big deal to anyone but something small like this if he is keeping it from me then could there be other things he is keeping from me too. I told him there should be no secrets in a marriage but he is wondering why im angry he did not tell me. we have had trust issues in the past because of dating sites I have found on his laptop/phone and he knows about how I feel about trusting him so why keep this from me. if I only had £1O I would of told him. he would normally asked me if i wanted a coffee on the way back from the shopping because he likes to have one but he didn't. he said it was because he did not want one so why still not asked me if I wanted one even if he didn't instead of being selfish when he had money to pay for it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2021): I think it's quite clear the records are his and that's why he draws the line between his and yours.
I would hazard a guess and say he doesn't want you to touch his records and if you divorced the records would go with him and the ornaments with you.
As for the £10 left on his card...give the guy a break.
That's his emergency money for some unexpected crises and it won't get him far!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 February 2021):
 The kids are MINE when they mess up :) The cats are mine when they scratch stuff up :)
The squirrels, turkeys, other wildlife in our garden are mine when it comes to feeding them and clearing up after them. :)
I think when your husband talks about lawn ornaments being YOURS, he is just not INTO lawn ornaments. So he sees them as yours - as in - something YOU enjoy.
You might buy them for BOTH of you to enjoy, but he really doesn't care about them. It's not his thing. It's called distancing language. He has no interest in them. He knows, however, that YOU do. Therefore, they are yours.
If he ONLY has $10 left on his card, buying coffee should be out of consideration. You can make coffee when you get home.
Maybe you two should sit down and make a budget? And stick to it? That way there will be no surprises at the end of the month. Sometimes you have to GO without (an overpriced cup of coffee) because... you simply can't afford one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): I'm sorry, but I can't believe that you think that £10 left on a credit card before it maxes out, is HAVING money. He HASN'T got money. He is allowed to BORROW another ten pounds until he's SO in debt, he won't be allowed to borrow anymore!! That's not having money! It's certainly not having enough money to fritter away on a cup of coffee! When you can have one at home!
If I only had £10 available to me to borrow, I wouldn't be spending it on coffee either. I'd be VERY worried about my financial situation and as he's done, would be saving it in case I REALLY needed it. Perhaps that's why he didn't tell you about it.
As for calling your things yours and not ours, I think he is very aware that he is broke and can't buy the things you buy. So he doesn't want to call them his things as well, cos he's acutely aware that he can't contribute as much as you. He's feeling inadequate, guilty and emasculated is my guess.
Does he not work?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): First question. Don't trifle with semantics. The law recognizes all your assets and property as shared-ownership; unless you've signed a prenuptial agreement. He doesn't have to say it's "ours" for that to be the case. When he says "your" this or that, it's only figuratively speaking. If he suddenly expired unexpectedly, guess who has first dibs on all his stuff?
If he gets paid on the 28th, you know he has money on the 28th of the month. If you want to know if he has or needs money, ask him. You're his wife.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 February 2021):
 He has a maxed out credit card, and you want him to spring for coffees and lawn ornaments?
The problem is he is broke. He can't afford your lifestyle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): I get a vibe from your post that you are the higher earner in the marriage, or at-least are more responsible with your money. I also get the feeling your tend to mother him, or he expects you to mother him (as in - keep him).
Dare I ask - how does he refer to his things? Does he still use the phrase 'mine' instead of 'ours' when it comes to his belongings?
What happens with bills etc, does he pay his share or does he expect you to cover them?
Your queries on the surface sound trivial but it's easy to read between the lines. He should have been booted the second you found him on the dating site by the sounds as it seems to have set the precedent for the rest of your relationship.
I mean - what grown ass man only has £10 left on his credit card at the end of the month unless he expects somebody else to carry the burden?
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