A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 21 years old my whole life I have only had 3 serious relationships. I have a 2 year old with my ex. We broke up march 15th of last year and it was so hard i was devastated i thought i'd never get over it. I always knew that he was the one but we both was very immature for a relationship we had a baby very soon that wasn't planned but we both love her dearly. After being broke up for only 4 months he gets married to a girl that forced him to marry its kinda of hard to explain. back in june he had told me that he still loved me. I was dating this guy i had met in feburary. And as i thought i was over my ex my feelings had came back out of no where. The guy I met in February we had only been dating 5 months and it was hell the whole time we was together we only had 2 good months. i just found out tonight that hes been cheating on me with numerous girls. Any way my ex my daughters father had texted me all day saying again that he isn't over me. And im not over him. I believe in god 100?percent and i feel as if me and my daughters father are meant to be together simply because after being broke up for a year and . Months we still have feelings for each other and guys that I get involved with it never works out. and even tho hes married i feel as if were meant to be together. i know it sounds wrong because hes married. but i feel in my heart that hes the one. im not sure if its because im hurt right now because of the guy i was dating. or if its because the only person that can make me feel better and not worry about any of this is my daughters father, its always been like that he's always been there for me . Any tips on what i can do? I do no i need to stay away from relationships right now for the best for me and my daughter. I can't put another guy in her life and she get attached to them and they walk out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): At 21 you are still young and to have already had 3 serious relationships is a lot. At 21 I hadn't even had 1 yet. That is not the focus though so moving to your situation...If you both felt you were immature and not ready for more, you should both have waited as you tried to raise your 2 year old as best you both could, separately but united in raising her.Instead, while still being "immature" (your words), you both rushed into something new, with someone else. Not only had you not gotten over each other, you had people on the rebound.He gets himself married way too quickly (none of us get the "forced" part unless it's culture or religion) but once he took those vows he has to honour them, not make a farce of it by getting married and on the side, telling you he still "loves" you. It just makes a mess for all of you, least of which your innocent child. We really don't get how he was forced to marry, when he wasn't forced to marry you when he made or left you pregnant?Sadly the February guy was just a "filler" and turned out to be a liar and cheat, not the way for you to heal and get over the past.You may have feelings for your baby's father forever, that doesn't necessarily mean you belong together. Those kind of serious decisions should and could have been made when you had the child. Now he is married.The best indeed is to heal yourself, and to focus on your daughter. Put her first, and give her a good childhood of security, love and happiness. Spend time with her, and find balance in your own life, and re-discover yourself and what your goals were before your baby daddy came along and derailed you.For your own good, you need to put him behind you. Move on, as he did when he chose to get married. Stop all contact for a while, use a 3rd person for child contact, and work on yourself and only when you are at a healthy place, in all aspects of your life, can you even begin to look at another guy. Otherwise you will just rinse and repeat this process above, and keep hurting people, especially your daughter who you said will get attached to these undeserving people and it will confuse her. Put your child first. Look after yourself. Forget your ex and put him in the closed Chapter of your life. Look to the future for better for you and your girl.Good Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): If he was the "right" man, he wouldn't of married someone else. He wasn't ready to marry you and you had a baby with him, but four months later he marries someone else. How could she force him into that? He sounds like he doesn't know what or who he wants. Don't be the other woman. If he loves you, he'll end his marriage to be with you.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 "I feel the same, what should i do?" Nothing is what you should do. The guy is married. Regardless of how he says he feels.Slow down and think abit. You're very young. You haven't really lived yet. You say (and i quote) "i have only had 3 serious relationships" . . . ONLY . . . What? You're 21, 3 serious relationships are ridiculous at your age. You seem as though you're eager to find someone to settle down with but give yourself a break. You're young, you can co parent with this guy doesn't mean you guys have to be a couple. It's the people always looking to find love that get hurt the most because they don't care who it is that comes along. I think if this guy still wasn't over you he wouldn't have married someone else after only 4 months. I think he has just realized that his wife is a manipulative nut job and things probably aren't going great for them right now so that's why he is contacting you because he knows that you still love him, he is your baby daddy for crying out loud.In all honesty though, move on. Respect yourself and your kid enough to know that you deserve better. Focus on providing for your child her needs rather than finding her a step dad. Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (13 August 2013):
 I think what you should do is take a step back and analyze yourself, your need for love, your eagerness to find "the one" at 21, and who you fall for.
Let me start with a genuine compliment: It's great that you and your child's father have a good enough relationship that he's still part of her life. That's not always easy to do.
Now for the tough love: Chigirl is right. So, you've "only" had three serious relationships in your 21 years alive (only three of which you've been considered an adult). Girl, you've got entire DECADES ahead of you to experience all of life's milestones, why are you trying to get them all done now? In fact, not to sound like a parent, but why not prioritize the completion of the milestones that will actually get you places in this world? Are you in school? Do you work a steady job that provides you and your daughter with everything you need? Do you have your own living space? Typically after accomplishing those milestones, everything else will fall into place.
Next, I think that you need to reassess your choice of men. Your most recent guy was a cheater and your ex, who may very well be a sweetheart and a decent father, was easily forced into getting married by someone else after only four months AND he isn't even capable of vocalizing his discontent to this wife of his.
My friend, I think that you can do better. You (and your ex) can each take a step back for awhile. Give yourselves time to mature emotionally a bit more, and then you can give the whole love thing another go. Who knows, maybe you and your ex will settle on each other again, or maybe new accomplishments and milestones will bring someone even better into your life.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 You're being dramatic. My "whole" life at 21? When I was 21 I just had one serious boyfriend. And at 21 you have your whole life ahead of you! Not already lived it!
But I understand you feel old, you've rushed things. Already have a 2 year old, already grown up. Or so you might feel, since you say your "whole" life as if you've lived for so long. But as you said, only last year you were still immature and couldn't handle that relationship. Your ex was immature too, no doubt about it. And he still is.
"After being broke up for only 4 months he gets married to a girl that forced him to marry its kinda of hard to explain."
You don't have to explain, but there is no way anyone forced him to do anything unless it was an arranged marriage and he's deeply devoted to the culture. So I don't buy it for a second, and neither should you. He married someone else out of his own free will, but he's telling you storied to have you as a thing on the side. He's immature and selfish. He doesn't know that if he married, he can't have girlfriends on the side. Don't mistake his immaturity and selfishness (which is a sign of immaturity) for him having deep feelings for you.
He's feelings for you mattered so much that you broke up and he married someone else. Do NOT forget that fact.
"I believe in god 100?percent and i feel as if me and my daughters father are meant to be together simply because after being broke up for a year and . Months we still have feelings for each other and guys that I get involved with it never works out."
That's NOT God. That's you believing in unicorns and rainbows and still, no offense, being immature. Having a two year old doesn't make you older than your 21 years. If I'm right in my suspicion, having a child young actually keeps you from maturing, because you are too busy maturing, too busy trying to be a good mom. I have a friend who has three kids by now, she's 23! She got her first at 19 too, got preggers at 18. And you know what? She hasn't matured a bit since she was 18, she still acts like a 17 year old because she never got the chance to mature and grow up. She got married to the man she had her first two kids with, then wanted out, had an affair (which you are about to have), got preggers by another man, and is currently pretending that it's her husbands. Yes, she's so mature.
Do not make the same mistakes as my friend. Grow up first. Don't involved God or another person marriage. You're single. He broke up with you, he married someone else. It is NOT a sign that you should be together, it is a clear, and right in your face, sign that you should stay APART.
If you think you should be together then he needs to get a divorce and marry you. That's the mature thing to do. So do you want to be an 18 year old forever who fools around and isn't serious, or do you want to grow up, get serious, and do the right thing?
Your ex will always be your daughters father, but that doesn't mean you are meant to be together, or that he's even good for you. Yes, of course you have feelings for him, of course it'd be practical to get back together with him. But for good reasons you aren't, and you'd be miserable if you jumped back into something with him with things being like they are.
If he wants to be with you he can prove it by getting a divorce.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 He is always going to be special because he is your daughter's father, but dont let that confuse you for feeling something more than you actually do.
The problem here is that you are hurting after a bad relationship, and your ex is familiar - like an old comfort blanket. The familiar is comforting and safe, it makes you feel better because there is nothing unknown about him - he knows you and you know him, warts and all. That is not love or 'the one', that is just fear of the unknown and fear of getting hurt again - the easy option is to stay with the familiar and be comfortable, rather than put yourself out there again.
Your ex is in a big mess if he's been forced to marry and now still has feelings for you - that is a big mess you dont need to get yourself involved in right now. He needs to sort himself out before he drags you into this, if he still loves you thats great but he's probably still telling his wife that he loves her as well so until he's divorced and not sleeping with his wife anymore I wouldnt really believe a word he says.
You need a break from men, especially your ex. If you are meant to be together then in time you will be. But right now neither of you are in a good place for a relationship - he is married and if that is not working he needs to sort it out and get divorced. You have been hurt by your ex and now this other newer guy, there is a lot of pain there that you need to get over.
Tell your ex that if he does genuinely still love you then he shouldnt be with his wife and he needs to get divorced. But until he is divorced you do not want to hear another word from him about his 'feelings' for you because it is just making your life too complicated and is hurting you. Ask him not to contact you anymore unless it is regarding your daughter, tell him you need a break from men and dating in general and if he does care for you then he will respect your request.
Then have a few months minimum where you dont think about men or dating. Enjoy time with your family and relax, put yourself first and enjoy doing things that you want to do without worrying about men being involved. I always say that until you are happy alone you should never be in a relationship - if you cant make yourself happy how can you expect someone else to make you happy?
Do some soul-searching, really get to know yourself and learn how to make yourself happy. Be a happy little family with your daughter and be a good role model to her - she needs to see that women are strong, they dont rely on men to be happy and she definitely doesnt need to see mommy helping daddy have an affair. Dont teach her that cheating is ok, dont allow yourself to get sucked into an affair just because your ex isnt happy with his wife.
If he divorces her and is 100% single then you can think about it again, but that doesnt sound likely so I wouldnt hold out much hope - so instead you need to be happy alone, show your daughter how women dont need to rely on men for anything and that women dont have to give in to men's stupid demands.
When you feel happy alone and comfortable being single again then think about dating - you will have far more sucessful relationships in the future if you dont have any baggage from past relationships.
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