A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need help, advice, anything. Shamefully, I have been dating an emotionally and physically abusive married man for 2 years now. He has no children, and claims to have been miserable in his marriage since day 1. He told me he married her out of the fear that he'd be alone the rest of his life, and was pressured by her family to finally pop the question.Regardless, that's not the problem. The problem is that for 2 years, I've been getting the promise that he is going to leave her so we can start a life together. We've even gone as far as sharing my apartment together. She knows about me, and our relationship, and weirdly, she is still telling him she loves him, she wants to make things work. I've been stupid. Actually, he and I have both been stupid. We sleep together in their bed, he makes her stay out so we can hang out in his house, etc. I'm just tired of the same old "I'm not divorcing her because I want to finish my house and sell it, and I want to make sure I'm financially stable for our life together." I'm sick of it and I think that it's time for me to leave and end the relationship. It's killing me emotionally, physically, and financially. She will forget to pay a bill, so then he has to pay it, and then I have to buy dinners/dates for the next few days. He's very secretive about his cell phone, texts, people he hangs out with. I'm so done :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): ok just curious but why do married men who are having affairs in the end never leave the wife?I really want to know. Do these men actually LOVE their wives and that's why they stay? But if they love their wives then how could they be cheating on them in the first place?? If they are having affairs it must mean that they don't love their wives, that part must be true, right?? I have read that married people get into affairs because something big is missing from the marriage. the affair is a symptom of marital problems, not the actual cause. OK so if the married men are having affairs that means there really are deep problems in their marriages. then why do they still "stay" with the wives?Furthermore, don't these married men sooner or later get overcome with guilt or stress of leading the double life? Sooner or later they have to make a choice and give up one: the marriage that has problems, or the mistress who wants them. Why then do they still choose the marriage that has problems?I guess my question is: lets assume that it's true that married people have affairs because the marriage already has deep problems. So what keeps the man in that marriage??
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): I'm glad to hear that you are done. Now walk away from this piece of crap excuse for a man and chalk this up to a 2 year learning experience. It's bad enough about the lying and manipulation, the abuse, etc... but to disrespect his wife and their marital home by going there and having sex in her bed... well, I'm rendered speechless.
I would love to know why you participated in doing that. I get that you want him... for whatever your reasons... but you did not have to disrespect her in such a way. That is just plain bad taste and bad karma.
Does she really know about you? I wonder. I also agree that if you were to get to his phone ... you may really have an eye opener. You may discover that you have been sold a sicko guy's bill of goods.
Any man who would be willing to do that to his wife would be willing to do that to anyone. He has no character. Please reflect on your life choices and make amends to those you have harmed in the pursuit of what you wanted. We do not have to destroy other people to find love and fulfillment... to think we do is the fallacy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Hear hear to honeypie's post. He really is scum.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2010):
 You are stupid if you do stay with him. So is his wife.
I'm willing to bet he lies faster then a speeding bullet. I'm also pretty sure that his wife is not who he is making her out to be, but he... is really a piece of shit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): It really bothers me to see this how can women do this to another women image if you were his wife and he did that to you The truth is if you stay with him and he chooses you in the end you won't have to image it will happen to you. You know you need to leave him he is never going to leave he tells you this to keep you.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (8 November 2010):
 Well, I sincerely hope you ARE done.
We get SO may messages from women here (almost always women, though not entirely) who say they're dating a married man, who is in a loveless marriage and "someday" he's going to leave her for "you." And of course, "some day" never comes, and never will.
I wonder how many women are out there who are entangled with a man who is not free and who are reading some of these posts - but who have NOT written us because they recognize their mistake in falling for a married man in the first place, and decide to end it?! It would be good to think these women are out there and profited by what they read here, without writing us......sheesh. If we all had a dollar for every letter like yours we'd be rolling in money!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Be strong and cut this man out of your life completely. He's got you and his wife he can go to for sex whenever he wants it and has you right where he wants you.
Married men always use the excuse my marriage is dead etc... but where do they always go back to after their secret liasons?
Hopefully you've learnt from this experience, their will be a kind, single guy out there for you who will deserve your love, unlike the man your currently with.
Be strong, you are worth so much more than this! Good luck x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): good for you, for being done! He is really being very unfair to you. It sounds like he is being selfish and a coward. He is too afraid to give up "something" and change his world, even though he still wants you he doesn't want to give up anything. If you have made it clear to him how you feel, the truth is that he is stringing you along and it is hurting you emotionally and psychologically. You have to take care of yourself.
(this is why it is a bad idea to start a relationship with a married man or someone who has not yet exited a previous relationship.)
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A
male
reader, Noslonomo +, writes (8 November 2010):
It seems your only really looking for someone to tell you to do what you already know you should do, Cut your losses and have nothing to do with this man or the whole situation. Get a restraining order if need be, hes on a path of destruction and none of the 3 of you are going to get anything good out of this. If he's secretive with you then there is a good chance hes not only cheating on his wife with you but cheating on you both with a third or fourth woman. I spent the ages 3-15 watching my mother go back to a man that did exactly what your dealing with and it took him nearly killing her for her to finally leave him. You may not be so lucky. HE IS NO GOOD FOR YOU! LEAVE HIM!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Look, he's emotionally abusive, physically abusive and oh yeah HE'S MARRIED. What exactly is your question? There's not much advice people can give except: leave him and don't look back. What do you actually see in this guy? Don't you have any self worth at all. It's bad enough that he's married but he abuses you aswell, what's the matter with you?
Look, they all tell the "other woman" they are in a loveless marriage, their wife's a bitch etc... but the HUGE clue that's right in front of your face is HE HASN'T LEFT HER. Now, why do you think that is? Could it be that maybe just maybe he might be lying to you about his wife? That he's just feeding you this bullshit to keep you on the hook? Come on you're not that stupid. He's not going to leave her and even if he did (which he won't) why the hell would you want him anyway? You say he's physcially and emtionally abusive but "that's not the problem" if you don't think that's a problem then i think you must have a very distorted view about what a healthy relationship is. An abusive cheat, wow what a catch...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Sounds like you've finally woken up from the slumber of self-delusion you immersed yourself in for 2 years.
You just need to stay awake long enough now to rid yourself of this louse and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Yes, you are "done".
He's abusing you, and her, and you won't be the last even if you marry him and live with him till he dies at 90 years of age.
You need a counselor to help you with your issues on why you will put up with this terrible type of treatment.
He's miserable in his marriage because of himself...and he will be miserable in your marriage as well for the same reasons.
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