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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Please no judgment.I have been having an affair with a married man for close to 3 years.It's been amazing.But lately he seems a little more distant. His texts are less frequent and shorter. He says he is just being cautious. He sexted me quite a bit and it went from that to no sexting at all. He still comes to see me and has sex with me. His "commitment" to our "relationship" has not wavered. But I just sense something is different now. Like something has changed. He has pulled away. He denies it. But I sense it. I just can't put my finger on it. He has told me he stays mostly because I am amazing in bed. Even though the relationship is not good and dysfunctional for both of us. Lately I have been disillusioned because I have strong feelings for him and yet our relationship will never go anywhere as he will never leave his wife to be with me. He has always told me that although he did make me feel like he loved me. We have taken vacations together. We have shared a lot more together than just sex. I mean surely for this relationship to have continued for 3 years, there has to be a genuine connection, which I believe there is, as well as an undeniable chemistry between us.At first I was swallowed up whole by the fantasy but lately as my feelings grow stronger, it is harder to be with him without beginning to resent him and take out my frustrations and unhappiness out on him. It definitely is a hard and high dose of reality that has badly shaken the fantasy. Right at its core. He says he is fine to continue this way as he has the best of both worlds and he couldn't be happier. He says I am the one at a loss and that ultimately it will be my choice to leave him. He says why should he leave? He has a wife AND a gorgeous woman making love to him.He says that I will come to the point where I tell him I need more from a man and he cannot provide it. He seems to know this is what I will do.I guess it hurts that he is prepared for this and speaks so matter of fact. He is more practical versus me who is the dreamer. The fairytale chaser. The hopeless romantic. He force feeds me doses of reality that I am choking on lately.He can make me feel so special and then so unwanted and alone. Sometimes all in one day. He wants me and he doesn't. He pulls me towards him and then pushed me away.What started out as a whirlwind adventure has now become harsh reality and it has gotten harder. And it seems I cannot pull out the same hits of happiness, euphoria and elation that I was experiencing before. I, too, have distanced myself and built a wall. I have accused him of cheating with other women too. I have told him I would not tolerate it and if he did, I would need him to let me go. Because I will not share him and it would go against the exclusivity we both agreed on about one month into our relationship. In fact, it was him who suggested exclusivity between us. And we have never used condoms since. I have been faithful to him since our first time together so throughout our relationship I have remained loyal to him.I have questioned him about his loyalty as you can imagine as he is incapable of being loyal to his own wife. But I worry that after 3 years my shine is wearing off and I am less of an escape and higher maintenance because this has become like most relationships, warts and all. So my fear is he will run to the next woman paying attention to seek the escape again. The escape we had but one which is crumbling into real life more and more with every passing day.And I sense distance. I wonder why. I have asked him about it and questioned the changes in behaviour but he is adamant he is not cheating nor would he ever as there is no need. That he has all he needs with me. But he seems cooler lately. And his sex drive does not seem as urgent so I assume he is being satiated elsewhere. Put that together with the distance and that is the conclusion I come to. I mean, I don't feel safe with him. I used to feel cared for and valued and special. But lately he has been cooler. Like he has backed off a bit. When we are together he seems the same, only not as gung ho to go at it. He says it's his age as he reached his sexual peak years ago while I am in my prime. He has commented that he is afraid I will think he is getting sex elsewhere because his libido is not he it used to be. Does it really change that much in 3 years? We are supposed to go on a trip soon and he told me how it might not have happened because his sister wanted to come visit. As it stands, he talked her out of it. But why did he not tell me about the possible foil in our trip until he knew he could talk his sister out of it? He said if he had told me that his sister was coming, I would have thought he was lying that his sister was visiting to get out of going away with me. And that I would think he was going away with another woman. Sometimes I wonder if the fact his sister was coming was really the lie he was planning to tell me before he changed his mind for whatever reason to go away with me after all.In the beginning of our relationship, he left me 4 times and came back every time and I took him back each time. I am sure a stronger woman would have told him to go and screw himself. Not me. I guess it's because I thought he couldn't live without me. I certainly couldn't live without him. I had feelings for him since the start and ended up in an affair with him because I had feelings for him. If was never about just the sex for me. Even though the sex was, is, always will be magic. We have a history and we both have a lot invested in the relationship. Neither of us wants to walk away. Even though it is stressful for both of us, we somehow continue to hang on to each other. Some days, barely. I asked him why is he still with me? He said he has feelings for me and loves what we have. Says I am worth it despite it all. But he also said he worries if he ever leaves me that I will make our affair public. I certainly have almost 3 year's worth of solid evidence.He told me today that if he wasn't such an asshole, he would get up, get dressed, tell me to go find a man who can love me completely and then leave. But be can't.He also said he could not stand the thought of me with another man and that it would drive him past insane.What I am wondering is why is he more distant lately but still staying with me and still making time to see me? Why the distance if he isn't leaving me? He goes on about he happy he is with me. He has been questioning my happiness lately and feels I am the one who is unhappy and disillusioned with him and not the other way around.I worry he distanced himself because he has taken up with someone else. And called himself an "asshole" because he knows he is cheating and he knows I would be destroyed by it and yet still cannot leave me. Or stop the cheating elsewhere. He is afraid I will tell his wife. So why would he risk that by being unfaithful to me? He is not a stupid man. He has so much to lose and I know he is afraid to lose everything.So, I am hoping you can tell me what you think is going on? Why is he behaving this way? He actually called himself a good man and a nice person when I accused him of cheating a few days ago. That he is not doing any of the things I think he is doing. I said to him I would not be with him if he wasn't a good guy. So he went from a good/nice guy to an asshole in the span of three days? I am wondering why the sudden change in how he perceives himself?? It just strikes me as odd. It is as if he is experiencing guilt or feeling some sort of internal guilt which is coming out. And hence his distancing himself. What is he REALLY feeling guilty about? What has he done or is about to do?? I think he cheated and feels guilty. Or does he feel guilty what he is doing to me because he knows I deep down deserve more from a man but he is too selfish to walk away from the best sex he's ever had with me?This is complicated. That might be an understatement. And I hope you can help me make sense out of all this. Thank you for listening.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2016):
 OP, only he knows why he does what he does.
My aunt of blessed memory was the mistress to a married man for 25 years. Till the day he died in his wife's arms.
She could not go to the funeral.
She could not be comforted or mourn in public
SHE was left all alone with nothing.
this was her choice. just like you staying with him is your choice.
YOU have abdicated your rights and abilities to be the mistress of this man. You get what you get and you better accept and like that. Complaints will have you replaced.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2016): Hi Ivyblue. It's OP.No. He is not a sexual narcissist. He has an ego but not that way. He cares about my sexual experience and makes sure I am always gratified. It makes him happy that he can make me happy in the bedroom. He told me his wife stopped having sex with him 5 years prior to our relationship beginning. Even told me where and when their last time was. Told me she was and is not interested in sex. Interestingly, when I was married, my husband was not having sex with me and I felt empty inside. He came along and rocked my world. Although by that time I had already separated from my husband. I don't believe he would be out looking for others or having sex with others when he knows exactly what I would do as a result. He truly fears this the most. And I would not leave quietly. As he is well aware. I've invested too much in this. He said he has too.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (18 February 2016):
 He sounds very much the puppet master and you the marionette. To have that kind of sexual and emotional power over some can be very seductive. I'm no expert but he sounds like he has similar traits of a sexual narcissist. Typically, you serve his needs,wants and desires. That's not love on his part just a love of someone being vulnerable enough to succumb. This dudes power trip is even clouding his own judgement that he Believes he is a good man. Deep down I think he would love to see you walk away because it will give him the thrill of having you come crawl back on your knees and make him feel like god, all over again. Twisted
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2016): This "relationship" isn't leading to anything and you know it. He has made it crystal clear to you that he will not leave his wife. She gets his name, his house, his finances and most importantly HIM at the end of the day. He sleeps and wakes up next to her. Not you.His wife will bear him children who will carry his name and your children, if you have any by him, will be illegitimate. You will have absolutely NOTHING to show for all the time that you have wasted and even if you were to tell his wife about him, I doubt it would make the slightest difference. I bet my bottom dollar on the fact that she already knows and chooses to keep quiet because she's getting a secure and comfortable life. No woman can the THAT naive that she has no idea that her husband is happily screwing another woman behind her back for 3 years. No woman. Who knows why he acting distant? You're just focussing on him on a day-to-day basis. If he's good to you then you're in seventh heaven. If he's distant then you get agitated. But just take a moment and think, what are you doing with your life? This man gets everything at the end of the day and even when the affair ends, which it eventually will, he will have a wife and a comfortable home to go back to. He has someone that he can grow old with. Yes its unfair and yes he doesnt deserve it but I think we're way past what's right and what's wrong. What do you get at the end of all this? Your best years wasted. A bad name. A terrible reputation. The brand of being the "other woman". You're already in your mid forties so you know that the looks will fade soon, he'll move on to someone younger and more exciting and by the time you'll want to date again, you'll just be sweeping the bottom of the barrel.Dont walk down this path of self-destruction any more OP.We can just advise you. It's ultimately your life and your choice.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2016):
 I don't think anything special is happening.
You are his good times girl, and , as strange as it sounds, nobody wants good times 24/7. When he wants wild sex, entertainment, a change in routine ... or whatever is it that he came to you for , he pulls you closer. When he is thinking about other stuff and attending his own business and " real " life, i.e. most of the time, he pushes you farther away. Yes, maybe even in the same day.
Of course he was hungrier and more enthusiastic at the beginning , that's normal. The novelty and excitement of a new toy wears off in time . The lucky guy who wins a Ferrari at some sweepstakes will be wild with excitement the first day ; after 3 years he will be like "Mmm, I don't feel like driving today, I'll just take a walk ".
You see everything very black or white ." If he is tired of me, why doesn't he leave me ?... Then , if he does not leave me, it must mean that he really cares about me ".
Probably neither one, he is neither really sick of you nor he really cares. As he said himself ( at least in this he was honest ) he enjoys having the best of both worlds : a real relationship - his marriage - and a fun alternative
( you ). Why would he let go voluntarily of this ? It works perfectly for him ! He gets anything he wants when he wants it. Only, as time goes by, he wants the alternative somewhat less. Maybe he will reach the point where he does not want it anymore at all, or maybe not, he'll carry on like now.
But aren't you tired of guesswork and always tryng to figure out what does HE want ?
What do YOU want , from love and life ?
Do you know it ?
And if you do.... are you getting it right now ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2016): Hi. It's OP.Thanks for the answers.Just need to clarify. He is not ready to end this. His actions are not a distance in terms of ending things. He called me on Valentine's to ask me to be his Valentine and we went out to dinner and he got me a gift. He gave me a crystal necklace at Christmas. Yesterday he texted me to just let me know I am beautiful and the day before he did the same thing. He is just not texting like before. He said cause he isn't alone or is doing other things and does not live by his phone. It isn't even distance. It's just a cooling off. He has said to me he catches himself when he gets too close. He actually made time to spend with me for 3 hours yesterday even though it was hard to juggle. He told me not long ago his wife went to hug him and his first instinct was to pull away because he felt guilty hugging her because of his feelings for me. He was going to leave his wife for me and got cold feet. He pulls away a lot when he gets too close because he wants to remain married so he tries to keep his emotions in check. But sometimes he puts his wall down. Those are our best days. We've been through a lot together. He says I can be high maintenance and I cause him stress but I worth it and he doesn't want to lose me. He has fought to keep me in fact. So that is why his aloofness does not mix with the rest. He has his aloof moments.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 February 2016):
 Its possible that his wife got wind of things and he's trying to distance himself and keep it on the down low. If he can juggle a wife, you and another woman then wow..he's really got it going on.I don't mean this to sound condescending but it always makes me sad to read on here about woman asking about their "married boyfriend". They are usually smart attractive women that have gotten themselves into a relationship that deep down inside they no is going nowhere, and yet they can't walk away. Or should I say WON'T walk away.
My best friend was involved with a married man old enough to be her father for 7 years. She wasted some of the best years of her life waiting for a man who was NEVER going to leave his wife for her. All those long lonely nights, weekends and holidays she'd sit waiting by the phone..hoping he could sneak away to see her....She even got pregnant by him (he paid for her abortion). My friend was a pretty charming girl and could have had her pick of men, but she settled for a married man. She finally wised up but she had lost alot of time. I'd hate to see you do the same.
We really don't know why the man is acting differently but if you are smart, you really should consider the fact that things are winding down and he's looking to end things. Maybe because of his wife, maybe because he's found someone else, or maybe the guilt is finally getting to him. Who knows?
I hope you will wake up someday and realize that you deserve far more than the little hand outs he gives you, hun. Life is short...why waste it on a man who really isn't yours?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (18 February 2016):
 Hello there, I was married to a cheater once upon a time, and a few years after I decided that I wasn't going to accept that anymore and left him, I found myself in a relationship with a married man, so I am somewhat qualified to respond to your question.
I doubt this man, who appears to have been totally honest with you up to date, is cheating on the woman he is cheating on his wife with (that's you BTW!).
Oh, there is one qualification there, he says he is a good guy, nope, nada, no way, that is just so not true, good guys don't have extra marital affairs.
The man is pulling back because he senses the end is coming, if laughed when I read you and he are "exclusive" uh huh what about wifey, waiting at home?
You claim you will not tolerate being cheated on, quite frankly you have no rights in this relationship at all, no right to feel violated, no right to get angry if you are not the only 'other woman' for him, no right to make demands, no right to expect anything at all from him, no rights, nothing, not a bean.
I doubt you will end it with him, I doubt you are capable of shutting the door and walking away with any shred of decency, so all you can do is hang in there demanding emotional support you have no right to, nor are you likely to get it, no right to make any demands at all, and when it ends, as it will, all you will be able to do is decide if you will go quietly or make a racket.
Whatever ..... the relationship is in its death throughs.
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