A
female
age
36-40,
*eachfrosting07
writes:Ok, so this might be a long post but i have a lot on my mind right now. Pretty much the gist of my issue is my husband and myself. I am 20 and he is 23, so yea we got got married pretty young (actually when I was 18 and he was 21 but anyways) which may contribute to our issues. I personally didn't have a good childhood at all, my mom was very abusive, at first physical but after i called the police it turned into verbal along with my dad and grandmother who did the same. I have a lot of resentment built up inside which i feel has not been resolved yet and comes out toward my husband when he upsets me. The issue is that as of right now I look at other couples (including his brother and his wife) and I don't see them argue like we do. But honestly, it seems to be me who brings up the issues in the first place. You see my husband is very non chalant and laid back, he doesn't like to argue, even though not many do,not even I. But he will do whatever it takes to avoid one, including acting like everythings ok when its not. My problem is that I know he cares about me, but I don't feel that he cares for me a lot of times. So many times I've been upset (including now) and he will not sit down or ask me what's wrong, he jokes talks and stays away from me to compensate for it. Out in public he is so scatter brained he walks in front of me most of the time forgetting to hold the door open or he picks on me in front of others saying things like "you don't need to eat that you're on a diet" which i never said i was. Our sex life kinda sucks and i dont know if it's because im on this birth control n my libido is completely off or if it's because we're just not connecting in that way but on average it's once or twice a month. Another thing is he rarely ever spends time with just me and him, it constantly has to be with other's because many times he says it would be boring, which pretty much suggests that maybe I bore him and then hurts my feelings which I just have to end up letting go because he does not like to talk about anything. I feel like I let stuff go almost 100% of the time because otherwise it will end up being just me in my misery dwelling over something that won't be resolved. I'm not sure if it's normal but he goes to work out or hang with his friends about 4 days a week leaving me at home by myself, and he told me just the other day I'm too clingy and if i'd just let him be free and be himself maybe he'd want to hang out with me more. Just to add to it, there have been many many times he's promised or said something and does not keep to his word (ex: coming home at a certain time, getting off the video games soon, cleaning up, etc)and I don't get an apology for it but the feeling that he just feels like I'm nagging him or annoying him.There's just so much that I feel is wrong in this marriage but I question my feelings. Why? Because I've never been married before, he was my first love, and maybe im doing something wrong. I just don't know what to do, and because of my religious beliefs I will not divorce unless I've been cheated on (and I still love him). I asked him if he would be willing to see a marriage councelor and he just said no. I feel so hurt inside like I can't confide in him, I can't trust him, I feel like a failure in life for having to go through this type of feeling again after coming out of my moms house. I don't know what to do anymore to fix things. I just need someone's viewpoint or help.
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male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (3 April 2009):
 It is profound that you are experiencing this very heavy issue at such a young age. Your intuition is right on, dont doubt your feelings here. Your marriage IS struggling. There is a huge communication, trust, and possibly a love lacking issue here. This needs to be worked out between the two of you or there is no point in being married. I am a christian and sure breaking a holy union is not desireable, but the union may be broken on its own already. Suffering any longer will be bad for your health.
Assertively express your honest feelings, objectively and without blaming him, just say how you feel. Go see a counselor on your own, sometimes that is more efective than couples counseling. Realize that it takes two people to cause this problem and you need to be doing everything on your part to be genuine, honest, and have integrity. Choose your words wisely in the next few weeks, and look for signs of improvement and more open commnication. If he is not willing to work on yor marriage, why suffer anymore?
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