A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 38 and I have been married for 19 years to a woman 2 years older than I am. My marriage has been difficult. We even separated for a year 10 years ago. Our sex life is poor and we have some really deep issues that we cannot compromise on. One of them is children. My wife doesn't want any and I, while not exactly a huge fan, feel like I might. As she is now 40+, I feel that really might not happen regardless of how she feels.The problem is that I met a beautiful 20something year old woman. She is also married, but she said she would leave her husband for me. We did have sex and it was better than my wife and I have ever had. I am in love with this woman. I sound like a pig for saying this, but she is smarter, more beautiful, and more successful (financially) than my wife. She is studying to be a cardiologist. I really hate being in this situation. I hate ruining my lover's marriage. I hate cheating on my own wife I don't like any of this. However, I feel so strong about my lover. She is good in bed and she is young enough to give me children should I so choose. She will also be (eventually) be my financial equal, whereas my wife is a financial drain. I also have GREAT sex with my lover. Not only is it better than with my wife, but it is better than it EVER was with my wife.I feel terrible for feeling the way I do. I am not sure what to do. It would be easier if my lover was single, but she is not either. What do I do? I know people will say: "Divorce your wife and then pursue your lover." Okay, but I do not want to do that until my lover is willing to do the same. So far, she is not willing. She says her husband is abusive and will harm us both. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): Have you ever considered that your wife may not have wanted children because she is not happily married. Many women will let years go by in a bad relationship unwilling, instinctively, to bring children into it. You may be doing your wife a favour moving on by giving her a chance with another man. In addition if you are now thinking about children this is a deal breaker if she does not want them. Surely you can see that living a loveless marriage is a waste of time - whether or not you have a lover. You were an affair waiting to happen - a ticking time bomb. Whats to say your wife has not been seeing someone else? Your decision is whether to leave your wife irrespective of whether or not your lover leaves her husband. It takes a lot of strength to make that decision and a lot of clarity. I don't think you have that clarity about your marriage because this situation is clouding your judgement. My best advice, from a similar experience myself, is to agree with your lover that you will stop contact for a month - you both need clarity. I don't think this woman is ready to leave her husband. Your relationship needs to be able to stand up in its own right - not as a third leg in a three legged stool propping up each others unhappy marriages. Take some time out, properly, no contact, away from your lover and look at your marriage. Talk to your wife and this time be honest about your feelings going forward.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): you want to keep leading your wife on until your lover decides that her lies no longer apply and she will leave her husband. Do your wife a huge favor and leave her so she can find a man who will treat her with the respect she deserves. As for your lover, she is not going to leave her husband, because she doesn't want to leave him for you. You are just a bit of fun on the side. Do you know for sure that your lover wants children anyway, you say she is young enough to have children if you so wish, what if she doesn't wish to have any children. My advice is either divorce your wife and find someone single, or divorce your wife and wait around for this woman to have the guts to either leave her husband or tell you she doesn't want to be with you, or stop cheating and be with your wife if you don't want to divorce her. Whatever you do, do the right thing by your wife for once, because what you are doing is unfair to her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 November 2011):
 You should divorce your wife and move on...Your lover is lying... if her husband was truly abusive she would be too afraid of being caught to have an affair OR if she is as smart and strong and self-sufficent as you say she would be strong enough to leave a man she did not love.you are just HER naughty bit on the side....Personally, my take is that you should end your marriage and find a woman that is available that you can build a life with and have children.Should you leave your wife and start that life, if your lover is serious, she will end her marriage and then you two can be together but I'm betting the mortgage that she isn't leaving her "abusive" husband any time soon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 November 2011):
 You can still do right by your wife and divorce her, you come across as having a huge resentment towards your wife.Whether your "lover" finds a way to leave her husband and her abusive situation is on her.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Your infidelity has cost you greatly here. Have you and your wife tried counseling to resolve your compromise issues? In regards to miss 20 something fun bags... assuming what she states about an abusive lover AND shes deciding to stay with him... she lacks confidence big time and quite possibly shes one of many american women who love to be treated like dirt because it makes them towards being treated nicely. Her staying with him only shows shes very immature, not confident, and unable to take initiative when something in ones life needs a change for their better good. Something is telling me she's playing you which ill say on a hunch, from my experiences with western women.Then there's this, divorcing your wife and taking your new girl away from where you guys are. If thats whats desired, grow a pair. Who cares about the abusive ex. Call the police. Start there. If your conscience is kicking in only now, youve dug yourself a big hole.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Your lover is lying. On the one hand she has no qualms about having having an affair with you, and on the other hand she is happily blaming her "abusive" husband, as a reason to comfortably stay on in the marriage.
If this man is as abusive as she says, then she should leave him at once, with or without you in the picture.
And, if he is abusive, then he can harm you both of you even now, because mind you, an affair cannot and does not remain hidden forever.
If you are unhappy with your wife for whatever reasons and its not working out, then file for divorce and then do whatever you want. No matter what reasons you quote (not wanting children, poor sex life), at the end of the day YOU are at fault because you are cheating on your wife and that is wrong.
She has clearly stated that she doesn't want children and that's not her fault, that's a personal decision. If you cant get on board with it, then leave. The fact that you have a million problems with her yet stay on and cheat on her isn't helping anyone, in any way.
Why do you have to have either this or that? Why do you have to be either with your wife or with your lover? If you're not happy with your wife, your marriage is in shambles and not worth putting an effort into anymore, then just go separate ways. And if your lover doesn't want to leave her husband, then get rid of her and carve out a separate life for yourself.
Don't be so dependent on people to make you happy and give you what you want.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Hi,
I have a very strong opinion in regards to cheating, so I rather not go into further comments. I just want to express my opinion in regards to your lover excuse. I think she's not being completely honest with you. I do not think she has any intensions on leaving her husband. Also, not sure about her intensions with you? Sex? Enjoy secret affair? If her husband is a abusive man? I am surprise she has the audacity, and courage to cheat on him, knowing what he's capable of?
Besides the affair you are having now, rather you want to continue or not it's up to you. You've already cross the line, so there's no need to talk about that, but if you have all these issues with your wife, if you are not happy, please, let her go.... Let her find someone that will love, and accept her the way she's. She has the right to make a choice... I feel sick to my stomach the way you talk about your innocent, loyal, devoted wife this way? Compare her with your lover?
Dude, nobody is better than anybody. We are all unique, we have different qualities, if you are not happy, have the decency to let her go, be free, find someone that will love her, respect her, care about her the way she deserve. Above all, she's a woman, she's a human being... You are not the only one the have the right to choose.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 What you need to do is forget about your lover for a moment - regardless of her, you are not happy in your marriage, you have broken your marriage vows and have cheated, therefore this isnt working and you need to leave.
Dont be a coward and stay with your wife simply because you are afraid of being alone - the longer you stay in this marriage the worse it is going to be.
No matter what happens with your lover (chances are she wont leave him, doesnt sound likely to be honest) at the end of the day you are unhappy in your marriage and have hurt your wife beyond repair by cheating on her, so you need to get out. At least your lover has shown you that there is more out there and you can be happy again - so use that as a positive, even if it doesnt work out with her there will be more women like her that can make you happy.
Leave your wife because you are unhappy and because you have ruined your marriage anyway by having an affair - not just to be with your lover. She is not important in this mess, she was just a distraction for you to take your mind off your problems in your marriage.
Your lover does sound like a typical cheater to me, they will say early on that they will leave their partner for their lover, but then as time goes on the story changes and they start to come up with excuses as to why they cant leaave. If she really wanted to leave him she could - even if he is abusive she can simply call the police and get a restraining order on him. She is making excuses because at the end of the day she is a married woman and doesnt want to leave her husband.
Whereas you do genuinely want to leave your wife, you have very valid reasons for leaving (i.e. difference in wanting children and being unhappy) so that is exactly what you should do - stop wasting your time in an unhappy marriage and end it for good.
Leave your wife and wait and see what happens with your lover - even if she doesnt leave him for you, at least you will be single and available to meet other women who are more suitable for a relationship and can give you what you want from the future.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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