A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a marriage that could be described as comfortable . Both of us treat each other very nicely , the sex is good on a physical level ( although no emotional component really ) and we have built an good life together over twenty year . The problem is that we have never really had a strong intimate emotional connection, even in the early day . As we had quite a big family and both worked it didn't seem as big a deal as we were so busy but now I find myself in my late forties and feeling extremely sad that we don't have that . At one point we separated after counselling over this issue and I met someone I did have that with . It was great but the relationship didn't work out due to distance . I also have had that connection with other men prior to marriage so I know it's possible . I guess with my husband I thought we were such a good match in other ways that this would come in time but it never did . Then I started to think I could suppress that need or fulfill it through hobbies and friends but it didn't really meet the need and I'm strongly wanting a close intimate partnership with someone who is capable and wants to be open and share feelings and emotions Through counselling it came out that my husband is simply not inclined to express himself that way and he feels I need to accept him the way he is , which I understand . At the time that was what led to our separation I'm now wondering if I've made a mistake in returning . I am desperately unhappy . I regret that I didn't use my younger years to find someone who was more expressive and it hurts me that my husband never compliments me or expresses any emotion to me, A big part of me feels that even if I leave I will never find that as I'm close to 50 and no man would want me now anyway but then I know that's unfair to stay with my husband simply out of fear of being alone Please help ,'I feel like such a fraud and coward . Once I was a strong and fearless woman and i hate what I am becoming Should I stay in a relationship where we have tried endless weekend getaways , together time and counselling yet I feel emotionally unfulfilled or leave with almost certainty of being alone due to my age in a world where it seems most of the men who would be expressive and what I dream of would be wanting women far younger . Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2016): This may be a bit late but I want to add something else. I am the second female anon, not the one who thinks you're ungrateful. I certainly don't. I just want to add that I have been engaged to a lovely man who I think a lot of women would give their right arm for and I have also been married to a lovely man who I think most women would give their right arm for. And although they were lovely men, in the end they weren't right for me and I we only get one chance in this world. I'm lucky in that I'm happy alone, but I cannot conceive of settling with someone forever when I'm not happy or fulfilled. It's not as if you haven't tried to sort this out. He has categorically stated that he can't give you what you want. I am like you. I need to hear it. It can shown until the cows come home, but I need passion like I need oxygen and I need to be with someone who can express to me how they feel about me. Only if it's real obviously. You know when you're being fed crap by some player. I was with a man who ticked ALL the boxes. Tall, dark, handsome, lovely, so funny, loyal, intelligent, decent and successful. But inhibited and controlled. It was all blown away when I met someone like me, someone who had passion and could express that passion. I hope you come to the right decision for you and I feel your pain. People thinking that you should be happy because THEY would be.....well. I hope you sort it out, but if you feel so sad, then I can't help but feel excited for you thinking about what might be if you left. Not just men, but the big, bad world waiting for you. Good luck x
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (30 December 2016):
Hi OP,
Sorry if I misunderstood your post. You said you felt unfulfilled, but not specifically why, until your response.
Yes you are correct. Lack of communication can destroy any relationship. It makes you feel alone and unloved.
I have been where you are now, and yes, leaving seems to be the best way to solve the problem....SEEMS.
If you do plan to leave. Make sure you have done everything possible. Last thing you want to do is to leave, and then realise you just figured out why things were the way they were, and regret your decision for years to come.
When you say lack of communication...Would you say you two are stuck in a routine? You expect him to just be the way he is, and you leave him alone to do so?
Give you an example...I had a boss who spoke very little...well so I thought. She comes to work, her mind pre-occupied with work. I would say "Hi", she said "Hi", and I thought that was all that was expected. This when on for months, we rarely spoke, and it was our routine. I expect things to be a certain way, and left it at that.
Now comes the Christmas party. She comes in, I say "Hi" and she the same, and "I" left it at that, because that was the routine. Later on, she comes to me asked me why I do not speak to her? HUH? The problem now was...I really did not have an answer. I just assume that is how she was, I accepted it, and I was wrong.
My point is...Things may have start off a certain way, and both of you got into a habit of thinking that is how things are. You understood he is a certain way, and he same for you. Then add years of being stuck in the same routine, and here you are now...Life has changed, but both of you are still stuck in the way things use to be.
He may also feel the same as you, but does not know how to express himself. Men feel expressing themselves makes them weak. We feel it is something women do, not men. So he maybe going around holding a lot of resentment of how things are. When you ask him, he will say "Nothing". He will just bottle it all up, and say as little as possible.
Sit him down...And you open up to him. Let him know your deepest feelings. All he has to do is listen. If you see no change in him...then you may start thinking otherwise.
My point...Go all the way, before you get out of the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): This is the op here again and I really do appreciate the advice . Like I said it is not easy to broach this with anyone as they tend to see things as the anonymous female and imply I'm ungrateful for all I have which honestly I am not . I realise I am truly blessed in so many ways and up until now that's what's kept me here for a long long time . The guilt of seeing what I have and feeling like I'd be throwing away what so many others crave , but then I also hear other people say that life is short and we should willow our hearts and I wonder if my husband can truly be happy with a wife who he knows is unfulfilled .
We have talked about this through counselling and he just says he is a simple man and I have to accept that he can't meet some of my needs but he can provide and be good to me which he truly is . I know many many women just like anon female would be more than happy with that and he deserves that happiness too . Or am I making excuses and just hurting Ng him for selfish means .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): Thankyou so much for the answers . I feel sadly we are very different people in the way we express ourselves . Brown wolf you may have misunderstood my post as their is no issue sexually or with physically attraction , it's more a communication issue that has always been there . I do try to be sexy and dress nicely , I have my hair and nails done regularly and we frequently dates and have special alone time but as I mentioned, this has not seemed to help . To be honest I think I still get the fire going pretty regularly and feel pretty good about that part it's the emotional stuff like him opening up that has always been lacking . Even extensive counselling hasn't helped . I have tried talking to him but to no avail . The problem has not really been a fire going out , the problem seems to be the fire was never there in the first place and I was foolish enough to think it would grow based on our friendship .Again , I know this is my fault for thinking things would chNge but I just don't know what do do now and whether this is a case of having made my bed and now needing to lie in it. I really don't want to hurt him he is a good man
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): I ain't tooting my own horn, I just want to give you a different perspective. I am 55 and I go dancing quite a lot. I enjoy it and I go for the dancing, not to meet someone, but I have about six nice, quality men interested in me, three of them are dance teachers and range from mid thirties to a couple of years younger than me. I'm only interested in one of them, but I like the others and enjoy dancing with them. I'm saying this so you realise that age is not what it's all about. I enjoy myself, I laugh and smile and have learned to dance pretty well. Attractiveness is down to personality and outlook, not a number. So, if you feel you're done with your marriage, then I believe that there could be a lot out there for you. You have to re focus on you and what makes you happy, excited. what are you passionate about? That's where attraction lies, passion. Good luck and go and get out in the world :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (29 December 2016):
When was your last date? When was the last time you did something flirty to get him fired up? When was the last you got all womanly and sexy??
Notice I use the word YOU!!! If this was your husband writing this post, I would be asking him the same things.
A lot of the times we spend our thoughts on what our partner is doing, or not doing to make the relationship better. What we fail to see most of the time is that YOU are not doing your part either.
Marriages start off as fire works. Then over time the fire goes out. But if you want the fire back, someone has to light it. Since YOU are missing the fire, why are you not lighting it? Are you waiting for hubby to do something about it?
WHY??
We men feed off you women. We chase after you as long as you give us something to chase...and nothing on this planet makes a man chase more, than a woman, who wants to be chased.
So you are close to 50 years old...that means what? You are done being sexy? You no long have any flirting skills? You can no longer rock your man's world? What does your age have to do with you lighting that fire?
"I feel emotionally unfulfilled"
Who is causing this? Your husband? Nope!!! It seems you have forgotten how you got him to marry you in the first place. As if you have lost emotional contact with yourself.
Go find that woman your husband followed to the alter...willingly. I bet she knew how to get a fire going.
Done sit around looking for emotional fulfilment... Create your own.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): oh the unhappy dilemma of feeling emotionally unfulfilled.The deprevation of the weekends away where hubby just wont or cant say the right thing!The most certain knowledge that you are too old to be anything to anyone!My heart bleeds for you!!!Well,no I tell a lie it bleeds for all the time you cant bear to be in love with the husband you have.I know of so much sad stuff and yours is as sad as a needle-dropped pine xmas tree.?You have it all darlin'.Your just not hearing the violins because your not listening.Why dont you plan a baked beans on toast weekend!Thats all you get to eat all day and you spend no money on anything.You cancel all plans and you talk about anything but you as a couple.See if its possible!Have some useless sex and take a walk around your yard.Be thankful for what you have and enjoy it because hubby sounds a dream!If you cast him off in favour of smooth words you might understand exactly what I mean.Some show it, some say it and some do it!
...............................
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (29 December 2016):
 I fear the exact same situation you face as I get old. Thank you honestly, for being so open about what you are facing. But I will say, people are what they show themselves to be the first time. So many men crave emotional closeness and intimacy, that when they experience it with a woman, they only want to get closer and closer to her. I think youre husband may be emotional and experience intense feelings, but just isnt expressive. I like to think when you make love, he thinks he is giving it all to you already. if you he buys you thing, Im sure he thinks you already think its a sign of affection. He just isnt expressive. I think the expressive part doesnt come easy to some men as it does to others. But I have dated many many men and feel exactly same way as you do. if you know the kind of woman you are and the kinds of things you enjoy from certain men, you should be selective in the guys you chose. Your mistake was marrying someone who wasnt expressive enough for you, but you knew would make a solid husband.My advice is seek advice from Rori Raye. I read a bunch of her work but her advice is get in touch with YOUR own feelings, so much so that it envelopes him into your own web of feelings. If you become a fountain of emotion (good positive feminine) emotions, he cant kept but be swept him. By him I mean your husband. He will be like who is this enchantress, I want more and more of her. And to be just that, it comes from within. Has nothing to do with men or even the man you are with, its something so innnate in women that if you tap into it, be careful who falls in love with you.I know many men who arent expressive and seem very GUY-GUY or manly, but if i was open, laughing,just having a good time, they just couldnt help but open up and laugh and tell me more about who they are. I also ask questions and eye contact truly is the gateway to the soul.My advice is work on your marriage by working on you. It sounds like you chose a man based on a set of foundation and trust, than emotional expression and romance. But you crave that romance, well honey, hes a diff person and Im pretty sure how he sees romance is completely diff too. However, if you continue to seek guidance thru Rori Raye and you are being a feminine goddess and he is still not reaching out to you, Id consider a divorce and attracting a man who is capable of emotional intimacy and making you feel absolutely amazing. Age is just a number. Never be afraid to divorce at 40. Only regret would be to wait out and still be miserable at 50 or 60 or end the marriage now and still be able to find love at 40-50! To share my personal experience Ive dated both kinds of men. Very expressive emotional men knew how to woo and make me feel special and were amazing at sex. Even were capable dominant lovers despite claims that they are feminine. Then there were very quiet, seeming unemotional men I dated who were VERY masculine but not very expressive. After sex they would roll over and sleep and youd wonder all day if they even loved you. I never would chose the second guy. The mystery and energy can be interesting but at the end of the day, I just knew who I was. I am so expressive and emotional and needed that closeness, so my experience has been to chose a much more expressive men as well. I hope you make right decision for you. REMEMBER, its never too late for romance. Ive heard of much older women 60+ who were able to find good loving partners after death of a partner or life of singledom. Good luck =)
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 December 2016):
 First of all, have a big BIG hug. You sound so sad, my heart goes out to you.Your husband is what he is, just as you are what you are. You are very different people with very different needs. He loves you (I assume) but just has a different way of showing this to what you need to feel loved. That is so sad because, apart from that, you sound to have a good life together. I feel, from what you say, that, if he was capable of giving you what you need, he would do. It is just that that is not something he has in him. This does not make him a bad man, just possibly not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't assume that it is a choice between staying with the husband who, despite his best efforts, cannot fulfil you, and being alone. There are many men around your age who are looking for new partners. What you have to decide is whether you are brave enough to take that step and risk giving up what you have for what you feel you are missing.I can only wish you strength and the best of luck. Life does not come with guarantees. However, fortune does appear to favour the brave.
...............................
|
