A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a brief affair with the most amazing, funny, sexy, wonderful man who I really felt was my soul mate. We ended it because we are both married and mutually agreed that we would try and work things out with our partners. The problem is I have tried and have managed to work things through with my husband but he hasn't tried at all and is miserable that I've managed to sort things out my end. My relationship with my husband is far from perfect but we're working at it and he's willing to forgive me. The problem is that I'm finding it very difficult to sever contact with my other man whilst knowing he's so miserable. I never ever wanted to hurt him - I love him but have just confused things by rebuilding barriers with my husband. If this man tried to make things work with his wife I'm certain she would try and forgive him - she has been trying to work things through but he hasn't been putting the effort in.Really not sure what to do. My husband doesn't want me to have any contact with this man but I am finding it impossible to ignore him knowing he's so unhappy - I still love him and know it's unreasonable to keep in contact but can't stop completely.
View related questions:
affair, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Good work on cutting off contact. Now don't sit waiting for his email response to yours...If you're trying to take your mind off things, how about reading this:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.htmlFrom other women's experiences, it looks like it will take about 6 months of no-contact to feel better again. Don't kid yourself, you are in no shape to help your ex. You have a lot of trust to build up with your husband as it is, and you're taking advantage of your husband's forgiveness (there won't be another chance.) All that can happen is that your ex's rotten marriage will have the domino effect and push yours over. Listen, if he's no good at resolving conflicts in his marriage, he's bad news for you as he'll be looking to you to solve his problems.
A
female
reader, donna1971 +, writes (7 July 2008):
your very lucky your husband is prepared to forgive you he must love you and would prob be very hurt if he knew you was still in contact.maybe his wife is just finding it harder to forgive and forget and build back trust and if he`s still letting you know how unhappy is maybe he not truley trying either.my advice would be have no contact with him and make a go of building a happy life of your own..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Thanks for all the advice - you are quite right I do need to completely sever contact with this man. It's ironic - when we first decided to tell our partners he devastated me by saying he wasn't sure what he wanted - that's the reason we decided to try with our existing partners.
I'm going to email him on Monday saying that we really, really do need to completely sever contact.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): You were both married, this guy is not a child, he is not your responsibility, he like you was well aware of the risks of your relationship. Your affair is now over, you need to consider your husbands feelings 110%. Your feelings of guilt are wasted on the wrong person. This guy choose to have an affair, he now chooses not to rebuild his marriage. This is not your problem. Cut contact with this man, your husband deserves better treatment than this. If you don't turn your attention to your marriage he really might just walk away this time. Your lover is unhappy, this is his choice. If you continue you like this you will be unhappy too when your husband leaves.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): If you want to make a go of things with your husband then you need to break off contact with the other man, as even though you are not physically betraying your husband any more this is still a betrayal, and if he finds out all the work that you have put in so far to save your marriage will all go down the drain.
Also, bear in mind that if you DID get together with this other guy full time whats to say that he wouldn't treat you the same as he is his current wife and not bother to lift a finger to work on the relationship.
Stop risking your fragile marriage to "save" this guy because you can't. The only person who can help him is him, not you. Break contact and work on your own relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Khandi  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 If you are truly trying to make your marriage work you will grant your husband's wishes. As long as you and your former lover keep in contact with one another the harder it will be for either of you to move on. If you are still in contact with him and him with you than you are still some what in the affair. HIS marriage is his responsibility and YOUR marriage is your responsibility. It sounds like if you don't make your decision than you're going to end up back in the affair, if your husband does not get tired of the situation first. Whatever your decision is you need to make it and stick with it, and not use your former lover's difficulty in recuperating from the damage HE caused to his marriage as a crutch to keep in contact with him. Your husband is interesting - I would have a huge issue with you wanting to help the person who nearly ended his marriage!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Vow, okay you are going to dislike what I have to say; but I am not trying to hurt or upset you; I am just being honest and trying to give you perspective;
You cannot and will not make a success of your marriage whilst in contact with the other guy; neither will he be able to make his marriage work whislt you are in contact;
YOU have an option; you and the other guy take the risk of getting together and divorcing your present partners;
OR if you want to make your marriages work or at least try to give it a chance; break ALL, ans yes I mean ALL CONTACT;
I suggest you get counselling; first on your own and then with your husband; there must be a lot of hurt and issues to deal with; there is a reason why your marriage got into trouble; why you suddenly have an attraction to this guy; I suggest you also advise him to do the same, as part of your good bye message;
Try and resolve the problems and issues; before you just give up;
HOWEVER the choice is yours;
BUT you cannot keep your husband on a string; making him believe you are going to work things out, whilst still in contact with this guy; neither is it fair to his partner;
Yes, it will be difficult; but you want to do what is right for you and all parties; THUS you need to make up your mind; don't play with the feelings and emotions of so many people; to what is honourable and do what is best for you and be honest with your husband;
It never pays to be dishonest; get a grip of yourself; THINK with your head and not just your HORMONES.
I know this sounds harsh; but....please...be carefull;
GOOF LUCK
...............................
|
