A
female
age
51-59,
*epzibah
writes:Please could anyone offer me any advice? My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and we have a 5 year old son andmy problem is my boyfriends mother..She has never approved of our relationship and is very protective of her son. To be honest i think she wishes her kids were still young, but my partner is 30 years old. We have tried several times to plan our wedding, but each time it gets put on the back burner because we cant find plans that are suitable for us and that his mum will approve of.My boyfriend feels really guilty about the fact that his mum is on her own (his father remarried and she never has) and darent do anything that will upset her because we will never hear the end of it. She cries alot if she doesnt get her own way.I'm finding that her attitude is making me really resent her. I feel that she is just being selfish and controlling and it is making me feel that my partner is weak and should stand up to her. How can I turn this situation around? It seems that if I am ever to be married to this man, it will be on his mother's terms or not at all. Naturally, I'm feeling like I want to dig my heels in and be difficult but then part of me thinks that I am cutting my nose off to spite my face.Part of me thinks I should just let them do things their way while the other part is thinking that I should tell him to stick his wedding and his psycho mother and get away while i still have some sanity left.
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male
reader, Greyham  +, writes (22 March 2011):
His mother is testing him. He needs to learn to stand up to her in order to set everyone (her, him, you) free of her controlling influence. Once she sees that he has become independent of her, she will begin asserting her independence too and probably become less controlling. But even if she does not, being able to stand up to her means she won't have the same influence any more and it will be less of a bother for you.
The ball is in his court, but if he needs more help see this article on this very subject: http://confidentman.net/masculinity/recover-controlling-mother
Cheers,
Graham
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (5 July 2008):
 First of all your boyfriend needs to GROW SOME BALLS and stand up to his domineering mother. He is a grown man relying too much on his MUMMY, needing her permission to lead a life of his own. I really think that you guys need to have a serious talk with her, about your forthcoming wedding and your future life together as husband and wife.Knock all this nonsense on the head, otherwise he stands to losing a great lady that you are if he cannot find the courage to tell his mother to butt out of his business.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Diovan is so right in what she said; there will be 3 people in the marriage unless he can stand up against his mother now; It is very sad,but I have seen this happening so often; it will not get better after the wedding; THUS, I URGE you have this resolved now, before you get married; talk to him nicely; he has to make the CHOICE.
BEST wishes
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 July 2008):
 First of all you seem like a really nice, well-balanced person with the patience of a saint! You are trying to marry a man tied to his mother's apron strings and unless you cut them before you get up that aisle then you are doomed to a life of coming second to her always. His mother sounds very spoilt and selfish, but your partner is a grown man who should read between the lines and put his priorities in the right order. If he cannot do that then you need to find someone who will treat you with respect. The wedding should be about you and him primarily, with extended family just fitting in. Ultimately it is your man who has the problem, not his mother - who can blame the woman if she has been able to get her own way by throwing tantrums all the time without consequences for her behaviour. I, frankly, have a mother with, lets say, a 'strong' personality who threw an almighty explosion at the mere mention of my wedding, refused to attend, didn't speak to me for 2 years...did it stop me getting married, hell no! I got my priorities in order and my parents have come around now, but sometimes you have to stand up for what you want. I suggest you have that crucial chat with your potential groom setting down your wants and needs from this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Unfortunately for whatever reason this man has choosen to put his mother first. You and him should be the main focus in your relationship, and his mother's wishes should be considered but you and him should make the final choice. I would tell you to talk seriously to him, if he can't stand up to his mother now, when you get married there will be three people in your relationship and the situation will become worst. If he can't put you first and respect your wishes and opinions as more relevant than hers, I would urge you to stop the wedding and find somebody that is free to love you and is not torn in two be strong family commitment and responsibilities.
If you marry him, she will always be controlling your life, and you will resent him and nag him to death. Is this what you want. Can you talk to her and tell her to back off, can you set him an ultimatim to grow some balls, break away and become an independant man or the weddings off.
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