A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my man for 5 years. Originally we got together as he was studying design and i was a designer. We both had that in common which was a BONUS and what really made me think how amazing our relationship was. after he graduated he decided that NO he didnt want to do design. it was out of the picture. i'd been waiting for 2 years thinking how great it would be once he graduated and got a job in the same field - how we would be able to talk about things - this never happened. Instead he has been working in dead end jobs for the past 4 years. he doesnt believe he will ever make a lot of money or is worthy of earning more money. Worst of all - he's very talented at design, yet just doesn't want to pursue this. I am ambitious and have worked my way up the ladder and am getting to a place where i am earning good money. i feel like i put a lot of eggs into this basket believing that it would be such a great relationship having this in common. he does want to pursue being an "artist" though, which I think is great as he is talented. However, he does this to fit around the dead end job and I believe he isn't that serious about it, rather its a bit of fun on the side for him. He isn't booking gallery spaces and making something of it. Anyway, I try to stick by him and give him all the encouragement in the world to pursue his art, I just don't think he has that much drive to succeed, or rather lacks the confidence. i feel like if we had kids, how would he support our family on his small wages? I'm just not sure how much longer to be "patient" and wait for something to happen or change here, but at the same time we are great together and get along well etc. I'm learning some great people skills working, but because he is in a dead end job the kind of people he is working with aren't too intelligent and he's not being "stretched". I feel like my personality and ability is expanding and his is shrinking. I feel so sad about this and feel we are moving apart. But I don't want to end things! Anyone feel the same way? Can offer some advice? Thanks
View related questions:
ambition, confidence, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): sorry could you elaborate on your comment? i'm a bit confused...are you saying that it's wrong to want a stable family and someone who can support you when you're pregnant and can't do it for yourself? I get that not everyone is a "Career" person, but to have some passion and goals ....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Careerism is so much a part of the ideology general here...doesn't really matter from "left to right" in this respect...that those of us having chosen NEVER to fall into this trap must at some point abandon all hope for most of those still bound within it.
Still, the presumption of superiority and the money/property/self love of careerists typically is offensive and it can be deeply wounding to some. Not to ME, of course!
Moving on up some corporate ladder does seem like progress to some (though most of us manage to get along well enough without it).
I'd say your man needs to get away from you as quickly as he can.
And that the biggest favor you can do HIM is to LEAVE HIM NOW.
Terry Baker
Norman, OK
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 June 2009):
Hmm, it sounds as though you have really moved on in many areas of your life and he is the one thing that's not been left behind.
I think you need to tell him that you are not happy with the relationship. When he asks why then tell him that when ever you try to talk to him about problems he gets defensive and accuses you of being controlling.
Then when he has agreed NOT to do that for 5 minutes then talk to him about his life plans. Tell him you'd be happy with him as a house husband if he'd just commit to it. I would be really careful about the social thing. Point out that it's another way that you've both changed in opposite directions, but don't tell him he has to change. It could well be that he's just not a social person. Some people aren't.
Give him a fighting chance to make some changes and then see if he does.
Over all though I think you need to do some soul searching about whether you have just both changed and now are just not right for each other any more. 5 years is a long time and you will both have changed in that time.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi there - I'm the original poster of the question. the thing is my man is really helpful round the house - loves the vege garden, cooks and is generally really helpful. we have talked about him being a "house-husband" before but then he says he wants to pursue his art and wouldnt want to do it full time. thats ok, but on the same token i want to see some real progress there then. i wouldnt mind at all if he was earning "pennies" but he was doing 3-4 exhibitions a year and working towards eventually selling his art and making money - if i could see a light.... you know? - had a set path and just went for it. i could be patient with that if i was seeing results. and he has had exhibitions before. but really it equates to a "hobby". i dont know i just feel like i've been waiting 6 years for him to "get into it" and how much longer do I wait? when i talk to him he gets defensive and tells me not to control him. even if i'm just expressing my opinions and being nice. I dont know...maybe I do have to put a deadline on it....i suppose the other issue is the social skills factor. I find that cos he's not "actively" seeking new experiences and people and friends, he's becoming really "hidden away" and when he has to be in a social situation he freaks out. i dont expect him to come to every social occasion with me (he is good with my family), but i would expect that occasionally he would come out with my friends/workmates and be able to hold an intelligent conversation. mmmm.....shake up? he he
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 June 2009):
My friend is going through exactly the same thing as you at the moment.
She says she wouldn't mind him earning pennies if he was passionate and hard working. But he'll just take temp jobs in offices and then moans about them but has absolutely NO ambition to do anything. She wouldn't even mind him being a house-husband if he said that is what he WANTED to do and would take care of the home stuff and they could get pets and grow veg in the garden and do up a house. But even with that she has to chase him to put the washing in and do all the other bits that are his job.
She's spoken to him about it and he says he agrees but then does nothing about it.
They are planning to get married next year which has kind of forced the issue for her a bit. She doesn't want to be divorced so she knows she has to get this sorted.
He's jut been made redundant from his latest job and so will be unemployed in July. She says she is going to set that as his deadline. She's said all she can say to him, so she is going to give him till the end of August and if there is still no sign of anything more than going to a temp agency she is going to end it.
My advice is to do the same.
Firstly, talk about it. Tell him that you love him but can't see a future with a man who can't provide for his family etc. Don't give him an ultimatum, just tell him that you want him to have a think and get him self some clear ambitions. Choose a career path and start walking down it.
Then set yourself a mental deadline of say the end of July.
If there is no progress by then, then talk to him again and tell him you are seriously not happy and you are thinking about ending it.
After that conversation you'll have to make the decision yourself over what to do and whether to give him more time or just cut him loose and go your own way.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 I could understand your feeling frustrated even if you were not as successful.
It seems to me that either he wants to continue living somewhat as a teen-ager, or he is so afraid of failing that he decided to quit before even trying. I think he needs a little shaking. You should tell him the problems you see with him, and your relationship, and see what he does. I don't think it is wise to wait for him to see the light.
...............................
A
female
reader, josephy  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 encourage him be always excited and positive about work.men like that, have a small talk but be sure not to make him feels that you are better. (even if you )lol
...............................
|
