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age
41-50,
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writes: I have four beautiful daughters who mean the world to me. They range from 13 months-8 years. I became a widower 8 months ago and my daughters and I are still dealing with the shock and grief. There isn't a second that goes by that doesn't make me miss my dear wife.This brings me to my first point. I don't want to date. I don't want to look at other women. I don't want to be hit on. It just feels wrong. I want to wear my wedding ring forever. I just want my wife. I don't mean to sound prude or anything like that. I'm not old yet, only 29. But my daughters are my life and I love my wife. In high school I had girlfriends upon girlfriends. But I only truly loved my wife. But do I sound weird saying that? I just don't think I can. My life revolves around my daughters and I am still quite madly in love with my wife. Maybe it's driving me insane. Is it possible to love someone so much that for the last 8 months and 16 days my heart has hurt?My daughters have a friend, we'll call her, "Chloe". They've known Chloe for a few years. She's sweet and gets along with all of them. She has a single mother and a little brother. Her mother (we'll call her "Amber") was a good friend of my wife's I suppose. Sometimes Hannah would get annoyed by her though. As her interests in things weren't always best for her children. Either way though, our kids are friends. She drops them over often and has even offered to watch my girls several times. It's a nice gesture. My sister lives with us on weekdays though and helps me a lot.Lately, actually for the past month or two, Amber has been hitting on me. She flirts to such extent that it becomes ridiculous. She's began asking me out. She says we could have dinner and talk about the girls and catch up as friends and parents. I've made up excuses every time. I try to be as polite as possible. But, just tonight, she came to pick up Chloe from a play date and asked me once more! I again, politely declined. She then told me, in a playful tone (yet it burned and I hated her for saying it), "Oh Coll, don't mope around so much! Go have some fun. Enjoy yourself. It'd be fun." And she had that smile. That horrible, horrible smile.Hannah would have strangled her. Hannah would've stayed up all night asking me if I felt anything for her. But Hannah wasn't there.So I said, more firmly, "I'm very busy." And I told her good bye. I'm not going to cut off my daughters from seeing their best friend. But I'd rather not be around this woman. Is there a polite way to make her STOP? I thought she'd got the message, but she just keeps going. Is my not dating and not being interested in other woman really considered, 'moping'? What's wrong with me loving the only person I will probably ever be able to love?I miss my wife. That's sorely the truth. I want this woman to stop. She comes to me constantly, trying to look sexy and alluring, saying crude things, etc. I need it to stop.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): i just want to say when I read this it brought a good feeling inside me. not too many people nowadays can attest to still loving their spouses whether deceased or not. I want you to know that you are kind, honourable, decent man and a good dad. taht is so hard to find. God Bless You. I know I havn't helped with your predicament but just wanted you to know that you are indeed a special man.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 ppff.. some people are just too nice... sometimes rudeness is called for.. before he knows it, she'll have her hand down his trousers.. sometimes people don't hear too good, they only hear what they want to believe...
Being rude, or being nice, or being forceful and direct, get rid of this woman's romantic ideas, she'll be greatfull, at the moment she's not getting the point and thinks your just playing hard to get. Women like this one choose to play deaf then they accuse you for leading them on. If she chooses to remove her kids and break their hearts, then again I say she's not the type of woman you and your kids should be around.
mmmmm... nicer way to get rid of her... "I'll love my wife until the day I die, no other woman is good enough to even kiss her boots..." that should do it, nice and polite and not rude.
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 I'm very sorry to hear about your wife.
This woman is being really disrespectful; you're obviously feeling sad about your wife and she knows that you're not interested. You need to be direct and tell her that you are not interested. It's not rude to be direct with her. She's been quite disrespectful of your feelings and she can't take a hint at all. This is your personal decision and you need time to grieve.
I don't believe that true love ever dies, even though we can love again and find new attachments. Maybe you'll want to date some day, but if you don't, then that is your personal decision. If you do meet someone else in the future, then you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to date. It's not cheating or betrayal when someone has passed on. But, it's your personal decision.
I'm sorry for you and the kids.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 Me again - Gotta say Aunty Bim Bim made an excellent point about not leaving her with the impression that she might be in with a chance in future. So yes, choose your wording carefully to make sure the understanding is finite.
I would also stress not heeding any advice to be rude or excessively blunt with this woman. You already know that cutting your daughters off from this friendship would only be causing them another form of loss and of course you know that is the last thing you want to do.
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female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (25 March 2010):
 this woman should have more respect!i mean your still grieving its only been 8 months not even a year and getting over someone who you love takes a very long time.next time she tries to hit on you tell her that the only thing you are interested in at the moment are your children and your not in a rush to go out and have fun as your still grieving and would appreciate it if she left the going out thing alone as your really not interested.sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind obviously you have to be firm but making up excuses all the time rather than getting to the point is only going to make her keep trying you just need to be honest
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2010):
Don't be polite, be very rude and tell her that your not interested, you don't want to date and she's embarrassing herself and you with the way she's acting. Why not, if you were a woman and she was a man this would be serious sexual harassment.
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female
reader, adamantine +, writes (25 March 2010):
 This made me sad to read. Your love for your wife is still there, and you need to tell this woman to give you space. You're not ready to date again, you may never be. The best she can be for you right now is a friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): Just say the only contact you would like is when you drop your daughter off to her house and that's final
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 March 2010):
 I too am sorry for you and your little girls. I agree with much already written, but there is just one thing I would change, dont tell Amber that it is too soon, or than you are not ready yet -- that will leave her believing there is a chance for her and you sometime in the future, you need to be a little more honest, tell her you dont see her as a potential partner, or that you appreciate the friendship between you too much to jeopodise it with anything else, it probably wont sink in and you will have to repeat yourself a few times.
OR get your sister to speak with her .... harsh but maybe the only thing that will work
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (25 March 2010):
 I'm really sorry for your loss =[ There are several points here to be made:
A. This "Amber" person, in her way, is probably trying to help you. It's clear she can see how upset you are and is trying to cheer you up. She's just not being very tactful. Just take her aside and say "I know you're interested in me but I'm still grieving over Hannah and not ready to move on just yet." Don't be shy to just talk to her.
B. Something tells me that you feel that moving on would be betraying Hannah. But it's clear how sad you are and you probably do feel very lonely sometimes. Maybe this sadness rubs off on your children. And it's very upsetting and distressing for a child to see how sad their parent is. Would Hannah want you all to live lives where you prevent yourselves from being happy? I'm sure she'd much rather that in time you found someone else you could be happy with. If Hannah loved you, she'd want you to be happy right?
C. Everyone needs enough time to grieve over a loss. It isn't something you can or should brush aside or try and forget about - doing that is very bad for your health. You shouldn't keep it locked inside. Let it out. Everyone who loses someone has to do this in order to move on anyway. Just don't dismiss the chance of a future relationship. You never know, should you fall for someone else, maybe Hannah sent them to you =]
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (25 March 2010):
Firstly, my condolences on your loss.
No, your not moping tho - you're bereaved!
Tho the stages of grief are typically the same for all, different people spend different amounts of time in each, and that is ok, do what you need to do, and dont let anyone tell you when it is the right time for YOU to move fwd. Which btw does not mean dishonoring or forgetting the past, ... it simply means that the healing that comes with full acceptance has begun, and the natural progression from that is to begin to want to seek more from life again. You will do that when you want to. And you will - even tho it seems unimaginable right now, ... but that is because of where you are in the grief process.
People can benefit from bereavement counselling if they are having trouble moving fwd, and they will recognoze this in time, but seriously we are talking about 8 months here which I think is very short in anyone's book. You still have all those firsts to deal with - first anniversary, birthdays, date of passing, etc, ..and all that stuff kicks you in the guts big time. You not only have to wear it yourself, you have to hold 4 little girls together too and that is of course going to be your primary focus. I think you've all got to get through the 'firsts' first, before you can truly even think about possibilities beyond that.
This woman tho is a thoughtless twit who either has not lost someone close to her, can't recall the pain if it has happened, or has not bothered to try to put herself in your shoes and see things from your side, ...coz if she did, whilst an interest in you would not be 'wrong' per se, she certainly would not be pressuring you to go out, or worse, making crude remarks. Ugghhhh!
You need supportive friends and family who are going to try to help out practically and be there emotionally if/when you need a dumping ground, ... not tacky come on's that would at this point make you feel your are dishonoring your wife to even consider.
If she keeps at you, I would suggest telling her simply thanks, but no thanks, ..that you are not ready to socialize, and what is best for you right now is to put your time and energy in to getting your family through this together.
Best Wishes
P.S May I also add, that when the time comes (that time you cant possibly imagine ever coming right now) do not feel guilty for choosing to ask for more out of life. Be that in hobbies, activities, platonic socializing, and one day maybe another partner.
I firmly believe when we pass in to spirit, that we gain new perspectives that we may never have held whilst here, and simply because we have a greater view of the bigger picture. It is like we are sitting on a flat plain here, whilst those in spirit are sitting at the top of a mountain and can see things in the distance better than we can from the bottom.
The love between you and your wife will never be severed, but part of her love for you will be in wanting to see you happy again one day, ..this will make her happy too coz no one wants anyone they love to be in pain. Your happiness will give her happiness. That is how love works in it's purest form. I am sure you would want the same for her if the situations were reversed.
So when you are ready to grab life by the horns again, you go for it, and don't do it with guilt, do it to honour her, to let her see you with the joy back that anyone would want for a person they love.
This will prob sound like a load of non relevant nonsense for you right now, ..but maybe reflect on this in time. Your time - when you're ready. xxx
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