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male
,
anonymous
writes: I need some serious help and advice.I love a man, but still find women attractive and beautiful, but I also find men attractive and handsome. So if I am in love with a man and we want to spend the rest of our lives together does that mean I am gay or bisexual. but then how can I be bisexual if I love him, and I only want to be with him??I was just talking with him, my partner now on the phone, he is in currently in another country, I went to bed and found myself sad, scared, sick, and confused. and I even cried without wanting to. This is what happened, I was chatting on the phone with him, and he asked me if I would call myself gay. Well that term, "gay" is such a strong word. I said that I loved him, and that we are the same sex, so yeah, I would say so, but I hesitated, I said that I do find women and men both attractive.He had been in a loyal relationship for almost 4years with a woman, and obviously they did have sex. I on the other hand have never had sex or slept with anyone before. We met each other when things in their relationship were not going well, but the problems in their relationship had already been happening for several months before we met. We became friend, then best friends which we are than We fell in love. I lost my viginity to him, it was the best night of love and passion, and I am glad that it was with him because I love him with all of my heart and so does he. He had separated for almost a year from his ex girlfriend, and since then he never had sex again, he was waiting for me, but I was afraid and he understood, and supported me, and never did he pressure me into anything that I did not want to do. Today while chatting with him, he said that, he feels bad that I don't know what having sex with a woman is like. He feels bad that I don't know it, and that I can't "compare this to it" I asked what he meant, and he said that he knows what sex is like with a woman, and when we made love/had sex, he knows and said that his preference is me, and that he only wants me, even before we did anything sexual we loved each other and it just grew. I got nervous, I felt sick, so I asked him what it was like, obviously I can imagine it, but he told me that its warm, and moist and that it kinda takes over your body, then he said its hard to explain, I felt nervous coz I didnt know what he was trying to hint, he sensed that I got uncomfortable, and said that since he has had that experience b4, and that he had been with me, that his preference is me, and he only wants to be with me. Now this is the part that made me really nervous, he suggested that when he comes back, that we must go to an escort agency, find a very pretty, decent looking lady, and the two of us, or myself have sex with "this lady" to experience it. I was shocked, I was shaking, I was confused. He kept on telling me that I don’t know what it’s like, and that he wants me to experience it so that I know it.What is he trying to say? I know his intentions aren't bad but I’m shocked. If I didn't meet him, I would have eventually had a girlfriend, and did it with her. but he came into my life and I want to be with him. The thought of sharing myself and having that intimate moment with someone else is scary, especially if you do not know that person.At times knowing that he had relationships and was sexually active before bothered me, and made me sad, and jellous, because I wish that I had him all to myself. and that nobody else shared that moment with him or held him. I’m confused, and I’m scared. Is he wanting to do this to have sex with a woman again, or does he want to be with a woman? I asked him if he wanted to be with a woman, and he said no, that he wants to be with me ,but he wants me to experience it?I dunno if I’m overreacting, I love him, and he loves me, and the thought of sharing that special moment with someone else with no feelings or passion, basically a complete stranger, is very scary and it frightens me.Please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (4 September 2005):
You are scared and confused, I can see why the thought of being with a woman you don't know does not appeal to you. Tell him that you know he wants you to experience being with a woman and that you have given it serious thought but that you don't want to, and you just asked in a casual way what its like. Tell him you could'nt bear the thought of being with somebody else and that you apprieciates that he cares about you enough that he would give you the freedom to do it if you wanted to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2005): I think he is also feeling very insecure and scared. He has finally worked out his sexuality or preferences and chosen to be with you but YOUR sexuality is obviously confusing/scary for him, as he is asking you about it, if you're gay etc.
You have told him that you find both women and men attractive -- but he is only a man! He can compete with other men, he knows how to deal with that but what about the rest of the population? He can never be a woman (not without some serious surgery!).
You gave him your virginity so he knows you have a precious bond with him, but he also knows he is all you have ever experienced sexually and on such a deep level.
He has experienced sex with a woman and is telling you he prefers sex with you -- a man. What he is really wondering is what YOUR preference is. He is scared that you may one day experiment with (and prefer) women, so he is trying to control the situation by introducing you to sex with a woman.
This idea may be strange and scary and it may seem a little weird -- but even though he is asking something this hard from you, he is being amazingly brave by wanting to confront his fears and find out... especially since he may be feeling that there is a possibility of you prefering female sexual companionship or even leaving him.
You need to think long and hard about this. Perhaps you would be willing to have sex with a woman of your own choosing at your own pace, I certainly don't think him being there would help. It would no doubt only upset him, and make you more nervous. Perhaps the idea is a total no go for you. You would also need to be completely sure if it IS what he really, truly wants and that he wouldn't leave you for actually going through with it!
There are certainly ways to sort this out without having to have sex with a woman.
From what you've written it seems obvious that you love this man, and deeply care for him. Try talking to him and explaining that surely gender doesn't even matter because for you sex is an intimate thing between people who love one another -- not about what bits you have. Promise him that if you ever so much as think about sex with a woman you will tell him and talk it through. Tell him that you understand where he is coming from and maybe that is all he really needs, reassurance.
I hope you work it out
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): Anyone you're in a relationship with that would ask you to have sex with another person does not truly love you.
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