A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in my 30s and my love interest is in his 40s but we are just friends. I haven't seen him in a long time and have seen recently that his health is bad. He struggles to walk, has asthma and drinks. He randomly said to me he would not be able to afford to have a family on his wage. Is this his way of saying he won't have children? I like him and I know he likes me but I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't want a family and is unwell. I feel like I should have taken the chance years ago when the opportunity was there with him. Should I see what happens or walk away? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2017): leave the man alone, he is ill and can never provide for you, will not be physically able to do much and he drinks! why would you date a heavy drinker? he may be abusive or rude and violent.
stay away.
he does not want kids. You do not want to be his nurse!! he will resent you eventually for that and will not treat you well.
best to move on and find a man who is healthy and who has the same values as you, ie kids.
Walk away before you get hurt or dragged into is life and misery.!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2017): No let the poor man alone.It seems he has tried to tell you in a nice way.....he does not want a family...he drinks..he cannot afford a family.Why are you not listening to him?Stay a good friend but do not have any expatiations in regard to buliding a life with him.He keeps hinting to you now it is time for you to really listen to him because you really have not been so far.Find love somewhere else he is not interested.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (9 August 2017):
It's your choice at the end of the day, you know him better.
If you feel like it's worth to give him a shot, by all means, go ahead.
If you have your doubts and you feel that things aren't going to turn out well, then walk away.
Also, if you want family, then it's probably a bad idea to stick with him. I have delayed marriage with my GF because we haven't been financially able to start a family, so I kind of know how your friend is at right now.
Best luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2017):
 To put it bluntly, he is not even a fixer upper, he is a condemned building that is falling down around him.
He struggles to walk and he drinks those are two pretty tough things to deal with. The struggling to walk might BE due to other medical issues or to the drinking - BOTH which can make working and provide for anyone (or help provide). Can you see him take care of a child? Play with a child? Run around in the park with a kite? Go for walks? To the beach etc?
And then there is the drinking. While alcoholism isn't entirely a choice, it is where his money goes. And again an alcoholic rarely makes for a good partner or parent.
I don't see you writing anything about him getting medical attention or working on his sobriety so how do you think ANYTHING in his life will change? You think it's YOUR job to fix him? Because you can't. While I did compare him to a building, he isn't a building, he is a person and changes? needs to come from HIM, because HE wants to change. Not because you want to change him into someone that will make YOU a good partner. It's not realistic.
If you want a BF/partner - this guy isn't it. That is why you aren't dating. Because you know.
If you want to be his friend, be his friend. He sounds like he needs one.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 August 2017):
 Yes, that's his way of saying he is not going to have children. Actually I think it's quite clear, we do not need to read between the lines. When people say they cannot afford to have a family, at their wage, I'd think it's that are talking talk about future children, whom they would not be able to support - and not saying that they cannot afford to have their current family ( parents, grandparents,siblings ...) so they plan to dispose of it .Hopefully :)
That's already dealbreaker number one, if you do care strongly about having children, then obviously you should walk away, he's not the man to have them with.
For the rest...personally I would be much more concerned, and annoyed, about the drinking than about his health problems.
People are not used cars, - that you will only get them if you can make a good bargain and if they still are in good running conditions, and I'd feel very callous in suggesting anybody to ditch a good man, or woman, just because he has a chronical condition. But while , at least in most cases, getting sick was not a willing choice, and also there's not much they can do about it , other than following their doctors' orders and hope for the best - one can choose to NOT drink , or to quit drinking. That, to me, would be dealbreaker no.2. Not his poor state of health, but what he is doing to worsen it, or to not improve it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017): He needs a good friend. You can't be his rescuer or Florence Nightingale. Women are often too quick to devote themselves to men who are broken, or down and out. Sacrificing everything they need and deserve to fix or repair the life of some broken guy.
No, No, NO!!! Your self-sacrifice and willingness to forgo the things you want is far too much of a price based on such uncertainty. He doesn't want a family, he's financially unstable, and your love will quickly turn into resentment when you realize all your time together is spent financially-supporting him, and/or being his caretaker.
You don't have to walkaway; unless you don't know how to listen to reason, or you are given to blindly following your heart. All I see in this is the scale tilting his way.
The wiser move is to wish him well, check on him time to time, and keep him company on occasion. Do not get too emotionally-involved. I think you're confusing sympathy with affection. You want to save him.
You'll let your sympathy pull you into quicksand.
If you can't control your emotions. Walk!
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