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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Recently my husband hasn't shown any interest in sex at all. He hasn't always been one of those men who want it all the time but sometimes it can be 2 weeks before he even shows the least bit of interest. I thought it was me, I have put weight on recently but he has always said it's not and normally when I say this, he gives me loads of attention for a few days, sex, kisses, ect and then after a few days it stops again. We have been together since we were 18 and 21 and got married 5 years ago. We have been trying for a baby for 5 years as well, but we haven't been so lucky. We had a miscarriage 2 years ago. In the past 6 months, I have found porn on his phone, things like stepmother, step brother, girlfriend's sister, that kind of thing. I confronted him about it, not because he had watched porn but because he hasn't bothered with me, and would rather watch that. Also when we first met I was using his laptop and one of the pages bookmarked was an incest website. He had got the laptop second hand and I guess I just accepted that. When I brought it back up when I found this porn on his phone he just kept saying it was a virus or he has no idea how it got on there. He also denied watching the porn on his phone until a few weeks back. And now, last night, I found gay sexting websites. Again he denied it and said he has no idea how it got on there. About a year ago, he had a folder called Snapchat on his phone and it had a photo of him naked with an erection. He claimed at the time it was to send me and he doesn't know why it saved as Snapchat. He doesn't even have Snapchat. I know it sounds like I stalk his phone but honestly he let's me go on it whenever I want. I just... I don't know, so much has been found and I can't take it. He lies, I know this. I've tried to not think my husband is lying to me, and if he is just looking, I can deal with it. But it's the lying. I can't take the lying. He just denies everything. Even when I have proof. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017): Ok so you have a husband who's lying and who seems only mildly sexually interest in you.
The extent of the lies or his true feelings for you are something he is unlikely to reveal to you under the current situation and the only way I ever see you getting any truth about the true extent is possibly through an extremely experienced counsellor . By this I mean one who is ezperinced in porn usage and intimacy Problems and the effects of couples is not going to use religious excuses and say Satan led him to these things but one who will dig deep for the psychology and emotion underlying his behaviour
At this point I'd be very calmly giving him an ultimatum . A commitment to intensive marriage counselling or I would walk .
Otherwise be prepared to spend the next fifty years dealing with this and believe me , it feels a whole lot worse the older you get as a woman
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (8 August 2017):
Hello OP,
It sounds to me that your husband is in the closet, or he is BI.
Don't mind the stuff regarding incest and stepmother stuff. I don't know from which country you are, but each country haves it's own fetish with different kind of relationships. So in your country could be kind of normal.
Now, the gay porn and the d*ckpic on snapchat could be worrisome, since he may be experiencing sexual identity issues. You met and married too young, and his identity could have not been fully defined then.
My suggestion would be to do an intervention, and ask him if he is into gay porn and into other men. Tell him to be honest, and upfront, regardless if he hurts you or not, you need to know because you can't spend your whole life on lies. The sooner you both are able to set this straight, the sooner you can either fix the relationship or move on to new relationships. Do you want to wait until you both are 60 years old, unhappy for 40 years straight, and your chances of moving on are null?
If you don't mind him dating men while in your relationship, tell him that upfront. If you aren't ok with that, tell him so.
If you have seen him unhappy with your relationship and marriage, it's a red flag that he is either into other woman or another man.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (8 August 2017):
 we don't know your guy, he could be gay that is acting that he is not gay, it could be that he just has some fantasies about him or you sleeping with other members of the family, and it might be nothing at all as he does not try to keep his phone any from you, hard to say is he wanting to be found out or he thinks he is doing nothing wrong, there are so many answers to this question that I just feel like we could become a kangaroo court, there are some things that some people lie about still one is if they watch porn and the other is a number of past lovers they had, YOU think you don't look attractive to him, I call my wife fatso and all types of nick names in joking as she is like a stick, but even when she was not like she is today I all ways found her sexy, maybe not the same thing, sometimes it is just the way she moves and some times it can be parts of her body ,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017): I think he's going to deny everything, because he has extreme tastes in porn; and he may be bisexual. His alternative-outlets for sexual-gratification apparently don't include you. He has a secret double-life.
Time for that talk to decide which way your marriage is going. You've caught him in several lies, and they are all involving his secret sex-life. On top of that, your love-life is failing because of it.
I must assume your relationship is strained in general. I always sense that when the OP doesn't reference any redeeming qualities about their spouses or mates. It seems you're satisfied to salvage your marriage, but you've lost trust. You don't seem too impressed by his little doses of kisses and affection. Like he's insincere, or fake.
When you have no trust. You have no marriage. It seems he has a lot of secrets; and you'll get no where trying to talk about it. Of course he's in denial, he's busted and embarrassed.
Now is the time to consider your options, based on the information you have. You may need counseling to mediate your communication. He's not forthcoming. You may have little choice but to consider divorce; if he is unwilling to be honest, and refuses to consider marriage-counseling.
Prepare to hear the unadulterated truth. Don't confront him and ask a lot of questions; if you're not ready for the answers. I think he already knows you can't handle it by your state of agitation and shock.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017): He's a liar no doubt about that but I'm sorry he's a liar he may actually believe his lies. But maybe as a child something happened to him he may have been molested by a family member. And that could be why hissnlooking things up about inseist and the gay chats as well. Just ask but try to avoid and an argument so it won't further your problems
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