A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, aunts!So, my boyfriend of five years has been playing hot and cold with me for a while now. At first he was pretty interested but never showed any interest in getting married. He never talks unless I am the one calling or texting him and always says that he is busy and can't talk right now. He always says that he isn't planning to get married and he doesn't give a damn about it. He sometimes flirts with other people and doesn't even show interest in any physical intimacy anymore..His lack of interest is making me have some trust issues here so sometimes I ask him if he is cheating with me or anything but he always ignores the question and doesn't say anything about it. No one knows that we are dating and he isn't planning on telling anyone either. I really like my boyfriend but the only thing he wants is to be successful in his business and doesn't see a future with me. He doesn't even care if I am with him or not.My parents are trying to marry me off because they are worried about me. I don't know what to do because I want to be with my boyfriend but he doesn't want anything serious and my parents are rushing. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): Why not have a bit of fun with the arranged marriage set up!Print off an enormous list of practically impossible character traits at so that you have,a reason to refuse them if it's not ok for you.Be cheerful. I know males with parents with impossibly high expectations when it comes to future brides.Meanwhile he gets out there and enjoys meeting his idea of a suitable partner.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2022): This guy is not your boyfriend! A boyfriend cares, he contacts you, he wants to speak to you - even if busy - and nobody is that busy he does not have time. I used to work fourteen hours a day seven days a week with never a day off and still found time for the things and people that mattered to me even if it was a phone call or email instead of meeting up. He could easily do that too. You are throwing yourself at him. He wants no commitment, no promises, no obligations now or in the future. He does not even see this as a relationship only you do. Because you throw yourself at him when it suits him he uses you and takes advantage of your eagerness. He does not even respect you now, because you show no respect for yourself. You don't get men by always contacting them and throwing yourself at them.
Quite the opposite in fact. You show them you respect yourself and you show them you are nobody's fool and not a convenience. The total opposite of what you are doing.
I bet the only thing he wants from you is sex when it suits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2022): Why not just be friends?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2022): P.S.
Over the years, I've know men and women who insisted on holding-on to people who treated them any which-way. They insisted that they loved these people; and relentlessly clung to their one-sided relationships.
In the end, each and every one of them had to give-up and let-go. They had no choice. Those who held-on the longest, were the ones who were the most emotionally-scarred, and were never the same.
I guess they've found other relationships eventually; but it breaks my heart knowing what they put themselves through before they finally gave-up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2022): Looky here, my dear:
"He always says that he isn't planning to get married and he doesn't give a damn about it. He sometimes flirts with other people and doesn't even show interest in any physical intimacy anymore.."
"No one knows that we are dating and he isn't planning on telling anyone either. I really like my boyfriend but the only thing he wants is to be successful in his business and doesn't see a future with me. He doesn't even care if I am with him or not."
Do you see what I see? I think there's a few clues in your post about what's going-on. I just don't see what's so great about a guy that you can say all this about?
To put it simply, you're more into him than he is into you.
You don't care what he feels about you; because you like him. How can you really like somebody that you describe to be like the above? There are some cold-blooded guys who'll let their girlfriends pretend they're still in a relationship; while he is living a duel-life. He likely has someone on the side, and just allows you to cling-on; waiting until you'll finally let-go.
What you have is an infatuation; and you're clinging to him out of stubbornness, and deluding yourself into believing if you hold-on long enough he'll change his mind.
He has closed you off, and tolerates you like an old scar or a birthmark. To avoid drama, and/or any kind of scenes that you'd cause; he's just going to let your hang-on until you dry-up, shrivel, and fall-off.
Meanwhile, he's probably seeing someone else; and your persistence is probably an indication that you will hold-on, no matter how hard he tries to buck you off. It's a battle of wills; but he's winning. He has told you where he stands, but you insist on having it your way.
You're starting to lose your grip; and finally coming to your senses. Thus, you've come to Dear Cupid.
This is when you let-go and move on. There is no love or relationship, unless feelings are fully reciprocated; and he wants what you want. He said he doesn't want to marry; and he doesn't give a damn about it.
Let your parents arrange a marriage for you, since they're in so much of a hurry to marry you off. You seem to be afraid to trust yourself to find someone else if you let this guy go.
I don't see why you won't let go? Seems he already has.
Soooooooo?!!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (21 March 2022):
 Oh sister,
It's time to move on from this one. He is not invested in you, he is not giving you or the relationship the time and effort that he should be. Please do not waste time trying to change him or woo him - he has shown you his indifference, and he has lost his chance. Believe who people SHOW you they are, not who you think they could be.
I understand that you're also struggling with the pressure from your parents. I would hope that truly, they just want to see you happy and healthy (but I also understand that some cultures treat marriage differently than where I'm from, so perhaps it's more complicated for you). I would hope that you can tell them something like "Mom, Dad, I know you're worried about me, and you worry out of love for me. Dave doesn't want to get married, he doesn't treat me well, and he makes me very unhappy. I would feel happier alone than with someone who makes me feel lonely. I'm going to break up with him, and I hope you can support me."
I'm so sorry - it is hard to go through a loss, especially after so long. It will get better. Be strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2022): Sorry you're being pushed into a marriage with someone who cares not one jot about you.You could maybe tell your parents that your 'boyfriend' doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want to spend any time with you and no longer fancies you. This may open up your eyes to the fact that you are wasting your time here and prompt the question, "Why do I hold onto to somebody who treats me like dirt?" Once your parents know that it would be an awful crime for you to marry this person (even if he was willing, which he is not) then maybe your parents will be sympathetic and try to help their daughter with her self-esteem issues. You could do so much better. Leave him in the gutter where he belongs and move on to better, brighter things. Explain to your parents that you will marry as soon as you meet the man who will make the marriage a happy one on both sides. They wouldn't want to make you thoroughly miserable would they? I hope not. I know some parents from certain cultures value marriage above happiness. I hope that you do not. Good luck in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2022): Time to wake up OP. Your "boyfriend" is only hanging onto you out of convenience. In my opinion, he enjoys having you around for convenient sex or companionship when HE feels like it. Is he cheating or looking for other options? I would say it is possible since he is not committed to you. You are at that age where you want to get married and start having children. Who could blame you? But your BF seems to be holding you back because he is selfish. Guys don't have the same urgency as women. Our clocks are ticking and we want to settle down. They can be foot loose and fancy free as long as they wish, although an old bachelor is still pretty pathetic.
You want to hold onto him because you have spent 5 years with him and don't want to lose out on your investment. But what kind of investment is he? A bad one. Isn't it better to bail out now than waste another 5 years with him, still be unmarried, and still have no children?
You are still young and are not obligated to stay with him. It seems you both have different wants and needs and are not compatible in the long run. We women tend to hold on longer because of our emotions but sometimes we must be strong and logical and not allow our hearts to lead us down the wrong path.
If I were in your shoes, I would leave him. I would not wait around for him to make up his mind. The power is in your hands. You don't have to allow him to hold the keys to your future. Only you can do that. If you are looking for someone who truly loves you and wants to marry you and have children with you, this guy is not it. He has proven this to you over the past 5 years through his actions. He is invested in his business and in himself. I can foresee him leaving you first once he meets a better option or decides the relationship has run its course, which it has. Want to be a sitting duck and wait for it all to implode, and give him the upper hand, or will you be the first to make a decision and stick with it?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2022):
 I agree with YCNBS,
Your BF is using you. He doesn't care for you as deeply as you care for him. "He doesn't even care if I am with him or not." That is cruel, OP
I think you should wish him well and end it. Block him from all contact and move on.
You can't change your BF. He sounds like a horrible person towards you.
I can understand that your parents want you to marry and start your own life, but talk to them about YOU having a choice in your future spouse.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 March 2022):
 Your "boyfriend" - I use that term VERY loosely - not only doesn't see a future with you but doesn't care if you are with him or not. I have a question for YOU: why do you not think you are worth more?
It doesn't matter that YOU want to be with HIM because HE doesn't care about YOU. You can do better and you are worth more.
Let him go. He is not for you.
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