A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I'm 23, my girlfriend and I have a long distance relationship. We've been together 4 years and her communication with me has broken down completely. She's always had 'rules' that I have to follow, like I am not allowed to phone her, or see her, unless it's explicitly okay with her (which it never is) but I feel that in reality that she is avoiding me. I've worked hard with her to try and keep us alive, though it only ever seems to be me who does the work. We've never had sex, and I've not been allowed to see her for 3 years. She claims that it's to do with her parents.She's sexually cheated on me before now, apparently with a rock singer, and she boasts about how wonderful he is, same with any 'famous' friend she makes. It makes me feel like I'm second best, sat on the sideline.For 4 years I've never once looked at another girl or cheated, dated, or even kissed and cuddled someone else because I am purely devoted to my girlfriend -- I've told her, but she doesn't seem to care.Now, shes stopped talking to me, leaving me hanging. I don't even know her address anymore. She says she's no time for me because of her exams, and while I partly believe it, I'm left wondering if its the whole truth. I've asked her what she and I are, whether she and I are together and such. She never replies, and always avoids the question if she does decided to talk.I really am at a lost end, I'm a really devoted and loving guy, and I feel I've been left behind by my girlfriend without being told, without a reason. It's hard to let go. But now I'm really considering it.My question is; do I just leave her, or, what could I do to make her talk with me to find out whats going on?
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cheated on me, her ex, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (26 May 2010):
 Hey dude you are gonna be ok. Don't analyse yourself too much here because most of us who answered can see that it's her who's got the problem not you. I urge you to join some clubs and take some special interest courses like cooking, books, clay modeling anything you like or find interesting to branch out and meet some new people.
I believe in you there is someone out there for you and please don't feel you have wasted your time so far because all these little life lessons are meant to prepare us and help us find that special someone. If don't don't know what you like and dislike you can't find her. Feel free to PM me if you want to yap
YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has replied, I've taken all of the advice into consideration. I finally built up the courage to end it with her as she's pushed me not only beyond what I'm willing to take, but also what I'm mentally able to withstand.
I'm beginning to wonder if it was indeed me who had the problem, not her. Many would say that she was making it obvious that she doesn't care for me anymore, or simply will just come back to me when she pleases. Because she knows she can. She knows she can walk all over me, because 'I've always been there' and have always let her do it (I don't control). Maybe it's my fault for being too caring loving, and accepting the bad treatment she gave me; thinking it'd go away one day.
Everyone who's mentioned something about me wasting every extra day of my life so that the last 3-4 years haven't been a waste have probably been right about it. But I kept at it with her, because I did love her. It wasn't like I was 'dependent' upon her, it was quite the opposite, however it was true love (on my part anyway).
I've told her I have had enough of being treated like this, and that if she can't respect me or my love for her then she isn't worth my time. I told her I want to move on with my life and be in a relationship with someone who loves and cares for me as much as I do them. I intend to cut all communication with he as the only thing it will do is upset me if I end up talking to her.
So now I'm going to concentrate on me, and hopefully one day find someone who will treat me properly. I'm not a really popular guy and girls don't tend to like me that much. So I guess that's why I tried hanging on to this as long as I did, in fear that I wouldn't find someone else.
Thank you to everyone.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (25 May 2010):
She's not confused she's just a first class bitch who likes to control everything and everyone around her. She's not good enough for you ditch her and find someone else who will love you properly without rules.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 May 2010):
 She clearly thinks that she is the one who decides what happens in this "relationship." You apparently aren't qualified to end the farce, in her way of thinking. I'm sure she's quite confused that you've actually shown a bit of backbone and have told her you aren't happy to the point you're considering things to be over.
Look, you've wasted 3 years waiting for her. You of course may do whatever you choose, and continue this relationship and spend however many years she keeps you on hold. What would you be willing to tolerate? Another year? Two? Three?
It's entirely your choice. I think it's an appalling waste of time and I think your best bet is to consider her an ex, now simply a friend.
My comment about "you can't always get what you want" wasn't meant to be judgmental; it was a plain statement of fact, and meant as a reminder to you. Sometimes, no matter how hard we wish and dream and WANT, sometimes things simply don't go our way. That's all.
Please don't get sucked into the time-wasting pit of trying to analyze her thought processes and motivations. I am beginning to believe that you are working really hard to avoid facing life as a truly single man. I wonder why. What's so scary about that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone, I wanted to update you all on my situation, and how it gets even more confusing. I received a response to my text message from her today regarding my question about her unable to tell me what we were, and that I was leaving her.
Her reply to me was along the lines of asking me why I have to ask such stupid questions, and that unless she says I am dumped, I am not dumped.
I followed that up with what could be construed as a 'stupid question' by asking her did she love me, or loved me like she used to (which was when we were happy together).
Her response was that she didn't know if she loved me like she used to, or, if she just loved me.
My question is what's going on with her? She seems confused and unsure of what she wants. I mean I've pretty much thrown the towel in on this, but I'm still remaining talkative toward her, to determine what really went wrong.
It seems to me shes confused, and that she doesn't know how much she loves me, if she loves me at all. However she still considers us to be 'together' in some form of a relationship (security reasons?), because she hasn't 'dumped' me as such.
While I'm very much in the mind to just let go (as much as I really don't want to), I really wonder what kinda 'relationship' she considers this to be if we are not 'finished' Yet, she is treating me like I am less than a friend to her. Any questions i ask her, she seems to snap at me, and although today we actually managed to have a conversation, she did bite my head off on a few occasions.
I'm wondering if there is a bigger issue to this than the simple loss of interest and comms I originally thought. I'm probably wasting my breath, but, I thought it was appropriate to follow this up since I really don't know what to think and its confusing to say the least.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): I know I'm not really answering the question anymore, but I wanted to reply to your follow up.
Great you got things rolling by sending her that e-mail. It's good she finally gets to see the consequences of her actions. She might not have realized how much she hurt you but I'm sure she does now and that's a good lesson to learn. I would not stay friends with her though after this because the hurt will stay with you and eat you up. With things like this, it's best to tie it off completely and start with a clean slate.
To add another quote into the mix: "that which does not kill us makes us stronger." Your confidence has taken a beating. But think of it this way: you are now wiser than before and you will probably be able to look more realistically at a relationship in the future. That has to count for something.
And honestly, guys like you are the kind people whisper about because they're afraid that if they say it aloud their dream will shatter. I'm sure you will find a girl who adores you for who you are.
So don't beat yourself up too much over this. Think about your good traits. Because you have plenty. Look around this site and notice how many questions on cheating circling around. I don't know much, but I do know your future girlfriend won't be one of those asking that question.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. I'm sorry it ended up like this for myself, especially as it was my first. And as much as I'm distort over the whole situation, the part of me that was hanging on for dear life has finally reached the conclusion with the advice given to me, that if anything, I was alone in a relationship that didn't exist anymore. All I had left was blind love and fragments of hope that maybe things would get better.
I guess the sad thing is, and it always is when self-realization comes in, that I was lying to myself. I don't think I wanted to believe that I'd really been left behind without pause, by someone who I adored so much. I wasn't even told why, or what I had done. But it happened. The only thing that will ever haunt me will be the words 'what if'. I guess the reason for why this happened will never come to light, it leaves me thinking if I'm not a good enough guy, not worthy, too kind, too loving; that list continues.
My confidence has taken a huge hit through this, and if I wasn't already shy enough, this has just compounded that to make me worry about getting too close to someone. The only reward in life, for me, is to know that you make someone happy, and that's the only thing I ever wanted to do for my girlfriend.
I've let her know that I'm leaving her and I'm going to try and move on with my life. I told her that there was nothing left for me, and she couldn't even spend 10 seconds to type a message to say that she was finished with me, where as I put my whole life on hold for 4 years for her.
Whether I get a reply remains to be seen, as she's finally got rid of me, and judging from all the helpful replies I received today, is what she wanted anyway.
'It's all over but the crying', seems quite appropriate right now as the only thing that faces me now is the battle in my head to forget her and move on. Obviously fond memories will remain, and last a lifetime. Despite that I've been hurt so much by her, I've no bad feelings for her, no hate or anything like that and personally I'd like her to settle her differences with me and let us be friends. Although inside, I know that's never going to happen, so I won't peruse it.
I guess this ends a chapter in my life, the only thing I can at least hope for is that the next one isn't nearly as sad. On the positive side, I walk into that next chapter armed with experience, and that, if anything is what I will take from this troubled and broken relationship.
Thank you so much for all of your really kind and helpful support, you've all been really wonderful.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): Hey, thanks for keeping us updated. And so quickly! It's too bad your first relationship had to be this one. And I admire you for being straight with yourself, coming here and posting your situation. And I think it's great you actually read and consider all that is said, because a lot of people feel safer being in denial. The thing is, YOU deserve better. And though it's easier said than done, spending more time thinking about her would be a waste and she certainly isn't worthy enough to have you thinking about her. Try to think about that when you've broken it off and you're feeling down. I wish you the best of luck dealing with this and I hope you will stumble across someone who IS worth your time soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd just like to add some information for the anonymous female reader just below.
While our relationship started on the internet, it's been a lot closer than just two people chatting on the net. She showed interest in me, and after a long talk we decided to give it a shot. It was a mutual arrangement. We had known each other for quite a while before hand.
In the early days of our relationship, we were fine, there was no problems. I went to see her a number of times. But one day that happiness suddenly disappeared. She stopped talking for a few months, only to come back to as if nothing had happened. It was from then onward that her attitude towards me changed. I believe the root cause of the problem was jealousy, that she found out that I was talking to one of her friends, which she no longer has anything to do with. Unbeknown to me, I wasn't supposed to talk to this individual who happens to be female.
Since then I've been bound by her rules, and she's had a 'problem' with me, but has never really spoken about it. The only way I see this is some kind of revenge that went way out of control.
Perhaps I'm naive, but this is also my first relationship, so obviously, as for anyone its difficult to have to face the end of it. As they say, your first loss is always the hardest. And that's something I'm going to have to face whether I like it or not.
Tisha,
I think I'll take the route of just telling her that I'll leave her alone, and I'll move on with my life. Telling her that won't do me any good, but it will at least be the truth. Not contacting her will be the single most difficult thing because I've contacted her every single day since the beginning.
This isn't about me getting what I want. I'm a really thoughtful person. And I understand all too well that you cant always have your own way. What I'd like to have isn't ever coming back to me, and I have to accept that. This was about knowing where I stand, and maybe if I wasn't so delusional about the whole situation I would have seen it long ago. I guess I was holding out for some last glimmer of hope. Something that's now been truly extinguished.
I've to admit I've taken this whole situation badly, maybe I need to 'man up' a bit, but I've taken a heck of a knocking and that's why I came here. I just knew I couldn't trust my own feelings as I know they'd give me a biased decision.
Thanks again to everyone who's helped me to try
and come to terms and also decide what I should do. You're all stars. x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2010):
This is a line from a classic song: You can't always get what you want. In this case, I doubt face-to-face closure will be possible.
I want to point something out to you: you have ceded control of this relationship to her. Take it back. Take back control of your own participation.
The closure will have to happen from within you; she's not participating in a real relationship now, what makes you think she'll participate in the break up? If she even considers you two as a couple, which I sincerely doubt. She's already moved on and just doesn't have the grace to tell you.
You have to be the one who ends it, so that you are back in control of your own life. Write her a letter expressing everything and then put it in an envelope. Read it again in about a month's time, though you can read it every day for a week, and edit it as you do so. But then it has to be put away for a while.
I want you to realize that you can't always get what you want. You are not going to get a satisfactory answer from her as to why things turned out the way they did. She is not that kind of person, it is fairly clear. So if you hang around waiting for that "closure," you're STILL wasting your time.
You need a clean break from her, you get all those feelings out onto paper so they are crystallized for you, but then you start the process of recovering from the breakup. Which means no contact.
Take back control, let go of the need for a face-to-face encounter, absorb the lesson of "you can't always get what you want."
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, that was nothing but the truth. Thank you. Thank you to everyone who's contributed to my questions, I've very much appreciated all of the advice given.Earlier, I sent her a voice mail and a text asking her nicely what was going, and I got a reply (my first in 3 days) but not the one I wanted. Her message was brief and she just told me that she has no time for anyone other than herself and her sister. Out of curiosity and I don't think it was out of place, I asked her if this meant that we were finished, but as usual, there was no response...The only thing I want more than anything is just to be told the truth. If she just tells me she has finished with me I'll be able to let go easier than what I would, never knowing.I guess she's just hoping either I will give up trying, or, take the hint. Then again it makes me consider that she wont tell me that she's finished with me because I am her first, and she can fall back on me if she's in another relationship and that one goes wrong. - She knows I still love her and that I'd do anything for her.I would just prefer to say goodbye to her face to face. I'm none for leaving someone over a text, email, IM or phone call, even if there is nothing left in a relationship because I'd never want to leave someone in such a negative way.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2010):
You've kept yourself from living for the past three years for a girl who can't see you, who cheats on you and who doesn't return your love in the same way.
I don't know how to put this in a gentle way, so here it is: you are wasting your life. You are wasting the precious time we have so little of on this earth. You are putting things on hold because of something that isn't real.
This isn't healthy. This is sad.
It's time for you to end this non-relationship and face the real world. I think you need to spend time with people in social settings and focus your energies on giving right now. Giving to causes that can use young men who have a desire to nurture and help.
Leave her now. You will be going through all the emotions of a break up, something virtually every single person on the planet experiences at one time or another. It isn't fun but you can do it.
Cut contact and get on with real life. Please.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): I have to put my answer into the mix because I can relate. And I'm going to give it to you straight because you seem like a decent guy. I too have been mailing with a guy for a couple of years. We exchanged pictures and nice e-mail contact. Our e-mails became more frequent and he started talking about me as if I was his girlfriend. Flattering, but I never considered it to be that way. Online relationships are never real relationships, in my opinion. You can talk, but you don't see. You can write, but never touch, etc. You can think about what you write so you never know if the person on the other end of that screen is really so thoughtful, or if this message was composed after a lot of thinking. So I told him that I didn't want him to consider me as his gf because I was a 1000 miles away and we never met. Also, I didn't want to chained incase I met a great guy in real life. And I didn't want him to hold himself off for me either. I told him I liked chatting with him and exchanging thoughts and experiences, but that he should not confuse this with something real. This girl, I gather feels the same way, but never told you this. On the one hand, I think it's wrong for her to lead you on like this. On the other hand, I think it's naive of you to believe this to be a real relationship and saving yourself for her while for all these years while she's obviously not doing the same for you. And why should she? It's just online contact. Nothing to fuss over. She might have thought you were realistic enough to figure that out by yourself. I commend you for being the loyal and loving guy you are. It saddens me that you let yourself be blinded like this. I know that these days people text more often than they talk face to face and I know that facebook/chatting/twitter etc. have become 'important' means of communication. But they will NEVER replace the message one touch can send you, or one look can give you or the feeling of waking up next to eachother early in the morning when everything else is quiet and the city is not yet wearing it's make-up. You need a wake-up call. Get away from that computer and leave all that stuff for a while. Meet real people, not those on dating sites, forums and whatnot. You can have online friends, but it only works if both parties know what it's limitations are and are at peace with it. I have a couple of online friends scattered across the world. We send eachother packages, cards and e-mails. We've never met and we probably never will. We just like the chatter and exloring cultural differences, etc. This works because we all know this. Sometimes, people will be open enough to allow you to meet up with them in real life. Most however have grown wary of the anonymous world wide web and are scared off by the horror stories you hear each day of people being not what they seem. So don't bank on that. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm lecturing you. I try not to. I hope this message and the other ones can prevent you from falling in such a trap again. Online, we all wear masks. Maybe not intentionally, but we do. We withhold specific information, we sound more intelligent than we would if we were talking face to face (because we have time to think through what we write), etc. You have to realize this. I'm not calling you stupid. You might be a very intelligent guy. But you are being naive if you've let yourself being conned like this for so long. You can try to talk to her, point out she's not been straight with you. She'll come up with a bunch of excuses and that's that. Because you've always believed them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, no I haven't simply because I've never been allowed to send her anything. When I last saw her, 3 years ago, I did buy her some things, which I gave directly to her. But since then I've not sent or given her anything because she simply says I'm not allowed to.
If I say I'm going to send her something (even like a birthday card) she gets angry with me, her excuse is it's down to her parents.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2010):
Have you sent her any money during these past 4 years?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your wonderful replies. I've read them all. I've decided that I'll try and talk to her one last time, to tell her how she's making me feel and I'll probably mention a few home truths along the way. If I get nothing out of her, then I guess I know my place.
I've no idea what I ever did to her to be punished like this, I've always given her my best. I've always been loving and devoted to her, even in the face of my utmost unhappiness. But that's something I can't continue to do as it's destroying me.
As many of your answers have pointed out, I've invested a lot of time into my relationship with her, and not got a lot back. I didn't want to see it come to waste, but ultimately it has. My love for her (yes somehow I still love her) and the fear of it being a waste is probably what I'm still holding on for.
Although she probably deserves to be forgotten about, I just don't have it in me to drop her in a way she's seemingly done to me. I don't know whether to say goodbye to her (in the best way I possibly can - which I want to do) or just break all contact with her. I'm just frightened that whatever I do decide to do, I may regret.
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A
male
reader, RyanS +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Hey, she has been using you like a napkin. I am glad you posted here, and just see all the replies from folks worldwide. You need to cut off from her and meet someone who reciprocates your actions and thoughts.
And remember, once you stop communication, one day out of the blue, she may mail you. You must either not reply or tell her you are not interested any more. But don't let her pull you back into this.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (21 May 2010):
You are the guy for whom so many people are hanging out for. Kind, decent, caring and loyal and I bet good looking to boot. Kick this girl to the curb she DOES NOT deserve you!!! There is someone else out there who will treat you like a prince, get out there and find her.
Trust me you will look back on this and wonder what the hell made you stay. She's treating you like a doormat. You are worth more than that!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): U just described my story. Leave her now and don't wait or u'll do the same mistake i did.
END IT.
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female
reader, ohbabycakesxx +, writes (21 May 2010):
You've heard that relationships are based on communicated so many times i've bet. But it's really true. What good is a long distance relationship if you can't even TALK to your girlfriend? Ask yourself what kind of relationship this is, and if it's the one that you want to be in.
Sure, you can continue to try but if she's not putting in any effort on her side, it's one-sided love basically. Relationships always start out good but how they end up depends on the effort put in. If there's no effort on both side, then it's basically no effort at all.
I think you know the answer to the question yourself, you just need some reassurance to if you should leave her or not.
My opinion would be, if she doesn't start returning what you give her, then it's definitely not worth hanging around to get pushed away.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (21 May 2010):
 I hate to have to be the one to say this but I really think that it may be time for you to accept that this relationship is over.
If one person in the relationship is pulling away then there really is nothing much you can do to hold on to that without some kind of intervention such as counseling or a change of scenery.
Unfortunately what has happened in your case is that your girlfriend seems to have just taken it upon herself to go missing in action unless she's in the mood for a chat.
Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely understand that a long distance relationship can be hard, tiring and troublesome at times and I know that it takes a lot of effort on both sides to make it work (I met my husband online) but when you have been together for that many year and yet still remain long distance, it takes its toll.
I think the simple fact that your girlfriend does not seem to be making any kind of effort to contact you, along with the fact that you no longer have an address for her, are clear indications that she is pulling away from you - and in a rather cowardly way at that (in my opinion).
Some people feel as though breaking up from a long distance when they're done with it, is easy. Just move, change a few numbers and play cat and mouse for a while until the other person loses interest - which is what this sounds like in your girlfriends case.
I think that you should attempt to communicate your frustrations with her, tell her how it is making you feel, and perhaps look at broadening your horizons at home instead of clinging to the hope that this relationship with ever come to much more than you have right now.
You really do deserve better.
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A
female
reader, kittykhaos +, writes (21 May 2010):
 OMG just get rid find a new girl what kind of girlfriend is it if you never see her? she sounds like a bitch and you've gone 3 years with out sex? you deserve better than her. x
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