A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Thank you in advance for any advice regarding my problem. I am pretty torn up inside and I'm not sure of what I should do. I'm 25 years old and so is my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been in a transatlantic, long distance relationship for about 1.5 years. It has always been long distance. We've seen each other every five months or so, usually for two weeks at a time. Other than that, we chat daily and message eachother whenever we have time. He is truly good to me and loves me very much. However, we've both gotten busier with work and life and everything lately and having a seven-hour time difference between us doesn't help matters much. Anyway, in January of this year we decided to get married so that we can be together and he can move here. I've always felt a little weird about the marriage thing, but he always assures me it's just so that we don't have to do the long distance thing anymore. It's really the only way our relationship will work. For those who aren't familiar with the process, he would have three months to marry me upon entry to the U.S. with a special fiance visa, otherwise he would have to go home and we would break up. He is completely confident that this is what he wants to do.I, however, am having doubts. This is the first serious relationship I've ever been in. Getting married at (what I consider to be) a young age is kind of a big deal to me, even if it is the only thing we can do to keep our relationship going. I love my boyfriend very much, and I know how hard it is to find someone who truly cares for me the way that he does; but I just can't shake this feeling of uncertainty. If he sacrifices his entire life to come to my country to be with me, that's going to put a lot of pressure on our relationship. Also, I don't know if two or three months is enough time to decide whether or not moving in with someone is going to work out. He is very against finding his own apartment when he moves here. We do get along when we're together in person, but I am more independent and he is a little more needy than I am, while causes arguments between us sometimes. The most recent time that I've visited him (about two months ago), I was kind of snapping at him sometimes and feeling a little strange, but it also could be that I was in a strange country again and not used to the differences. Also, I've lived alone for three years, and I really need time to myself sometimes.To make matters even worse, an acquaintance of mine who I've always thought was attractive confessed to thinking the same about me. He knows about my situation, though. About a week ago, I saw him at a show (I wasn't expecting to see him there, since he actually lives about two hours away but visits my city pretty often) and he was really drunk and tried to kiss me but I stopped him, even though a part of me didn't want to. We've been talking since this incident and he has said he doesn't want me to do anything that I would regret with him and has expressed interest in me. I try not to think about him, but I can't help being very attracted to him and think about him all the time. I do feel badly, but I try to remind myself that the situation that I'm in isn't a choice between two love interests, more a choice between two outcomes or "lives." He is the only person who I've felt this way about during the entire time my boyfriend and I have been dating.Whenever I express my feelings to my boyfriend, he gets very sad and sort of argues with me about how he thinks that once he moves here everything is going to be fine. He said that he's sure he wants to be with me forever and that he at least wants to try to see if it'll work out between us. He also says that he understands how I feel and that it "won't even be a real marriage" since we're just doing it to be together, but I still feel like I'm not sure about it. I feel awful that I'm hurting him this way. I haven't told him about the other guy because I don't want to cause unnecessary mistrust as I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on someone. My stomach has been in knots over this for a week and I can hardly eat. I don't want to get married to someone if I'm not ready, and I don't want him to move here if it's going to be one big waste of effort with a time limit hanging over our heads. On the other hand, we've both invested so much into our relationship and I don't want to lose someone special to me right before we try and give being together a real shot and regret it if I don't have to. So I'm at a loss for what to do. Should I leave my boyfriend? Is the fact that I feel like this one big sign that it's just over and we should just move on? Any advice would be very greatly appreciated as I just can't make up my mind right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): If you're not 100% convinced you should marry someone then the default should be that you don't marry them. Once married, breaking up involves lawyers, going to court, and paying lots of money.
Therefore you shouldn't marry this guy since you are having doubts. Marriage is not to be used as a solution to a problem (whether that problem is pregnancy, finances, green cards, health insurance, emotional insecurity, whatever). When it is, the problem usually changes or gets compounded so it really wasn't solved and now you have the burden of a marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): Sounds like a catch-22: you're naturally uncomfortable with marrying someone you don't know that well, yet the only way to get to know him better is to marry him.
I would question if these really are your only choices? Can you come up with other alternatives? Can you move to his country on a work or student visa or vice versa? Can you continue your relationship as it is - long distance - until your feelings change one way or the other so that you would at least have more clarity?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you who have responded. I just want to stress that I didn't choose the title for my question. I'm not really suspicious that he's using me to be in the US. He loves his home country (Germany) and would be really pleased if I wanted to move there instead, but I don't and I have made that clear from the beginning. The problem is more that the (easiest) path for him to be here and for us to be together is one that involves so much commitment and I'm just not 100% sure.
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A
female
reader, Spaghetti +, writes (15 July 2013):
I've seen this before. If he pressures you that much to get married....don't. Tell him to come visit you first. You can give him an invitation letter saying he will stay at your place for a determinate time. Have him come on HIS money on a tourist visa.You do know that when you bring him as a fiancee he is your SOLE financial RESPONSABILITY? This means you must pay his rent, insurance, and so forth...which is why you must show an affidavit proving you have more than enough MONEY to support him and beyond. The purpose of this is so that he does not become a "burden to the state" their words.I would tell him that the affidavit money is not enough, so you cannot do it. (This happens very often) people have to get a cosigner that will also vow to support your boyfriend. Tell him you have to get that person to cosign for you so that delays the whole process.You should tell him that since you cannot bring him here you will save up and move there, or get a work visa to his coubtry that way you don't have to marry, see how he reacts...most likely he will be against it and will tell you NO!And say all the advantages of living in thr US.... so beware. Someone who insists that much in marrying you can have ulterior motives...well he is clear!he wants a green card so he can stay here!Also, if you guys don't work out even if you divorce you are responsible for him financially...by law. The affidavit of support, remember?Tell him you don't have the amount of income they require on the affidavit. Have him come as A TOURIST on HIS ON DIME and see what happens. He can stay up to 6 months as a tourist.Also, if he is so keen in marriage I assume HE Was going to pay for the whole Fiancée visa process???? He is the one benefiting from it. If he wants you to even pay part of it, you know why he wants you = easy green card.Make him work hard for you, if he really wants you he will find a way to come.on his own.THREAD CAREFULLY
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): I agree with the other posters - your guy is pushing the issue a bit too strongly which makes you suspect his true intentions? Just a visa to the US, or what... if he really loves you, and he can hear you are not ready, he would be patient in waiting. There is no need for rush - unless he is desperate for other reasons.You are not sure, so you can't marry him. To compound things, you have feelings for another guy. Until and unless that is resolved, don't fool yourself thinking you can marry and everything will turn out roses. It won't.Don't let him push you - continue the long distance dating thing if you want, if you feel more for the other guy than your boyfriend, end things with your boyfriend so he does not get more hurt, and pursue the potential acquaintance and if that fizzles out, then you know you were not meant to be with either. You sound more attracted to the acquaintance than your boyfriend - not a good sign.Either way, you don't sound ready for marriage to anybody - give yourself time to grow and mature, to learn what love really is, before you commit to anyone!
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (15 July 2013):
Ok so you've been together 1.5 years and met up every 5 months for about 2 weeks at a time. So you've spent a total of 6 weeks in each other's company. And the last time you spent with him you felt strange...That leaves 4 good weeks you've spent together. Call me a cynic, but I don't think you know each at enough to get married.Also, you've emphasised his certainty that this is what he wants to do but you've emphasised your certainty that this is not what you want to do. 'always felt a little weird about the marriage thing''first serious relationship I've ever been in''Getting married at (what I consider to be) a young age is kind of a big deal to me''I don't know if two or three months is enough time to decide whether or not moving in with someone is going to work out''I am more independent and he is a little more needy than I am''I really need time to myself sometimes''I try not to think about the other guy, but I can't help being very attracted to him and think about him all the time''My stomach has been in knots over this for a week and I can hardly eat. I don't want to get married to someone if I'm not ready, and I don't want him to move here if it's going to be one big waste of effort with a time limit hanging over our heads.'Honey, you are not ready for this. Forcing it won't necessarily make things work.You find him clingy and you are in a long distance relationship. What's going to happen when he is in your space 24 hours a day, 7 days a week while he is looking for a job and getting himself sorted?Either stay long distance or break up with him because you're not ready to commit permanently to this specific guy at this point in your life.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 July 2013):
There are two possible outcomes. You could marry him and be great for each other, or (more likely) find out you're not right for each other. Why do I say "more likely"? Because it takes a lot of dating/intimacy/etc to find out if someone is right for you, and most people are NOT right for each other. Talking, hopes, and dreams aren't enough.
I've had plenty of relationships that I felt at some point or another I could see myself marrying this person. But soon enough, we realized we weren't right for each other. Luckily too, because I'm married to someone I truly love.
If you guys really want to make this work, forcing it is not the way to do it. The fact that this guy is so willing to force things is a dead giveaway that he's not ready for marriage! I applaud you for recognizing reality.
Where is he from? Is it a cheap country to live in? You could work a couple of jobs, save up some money, put all of your stuff into storage and move there for 6 months (separate places).
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (15 July 2013):
Test Mr. Transatlantic by saying you've decided to marry him and live in his country. He should be delighted if he's not merely after you for a visa.
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