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female
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anonymous
writes: Please, please somebody help me - it would be great to get a psychologists view on this, I know there are some of you out there!!I have been having a two year long distance relationship where we see each other every two weeks or so. Recently, he has made a lot of new friends and started going out a lot more, leaving me feeling quite insecure. I am ALWAYS the one to raise issues with our relationship, complaining about not getting enough attention, affection from him etc - always me being insecure. I am determined to stop this, as I feel it gives him all the power in the relationship and is horrible for me anyway.I am going to see him this weekend and know I am going to end up crying again, saying i feel neglected, and will again make myself seem like a needy, insecure freak. How can I stop myself? I know he loves me but I still cant help being so needy. I am deliberately not arranging our next meet up as I want him to do it. But when I am there this weekend, how can I stop myself asking him about when he will see me next, asking if he still loves me despite all his new friends, and looking for constant reassurance that he cares? Please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): I feel for you. I wouldn't be able to cope with a long distant relationship. Does he ever come to stay at yours? Is it you doing all the running around? I think you should give this relationship some deep thinking. What is the long term result from this? Will you eventually move in with him or him with you? Where is it going? I know you will not want to spend a weekend doing a very heavy conversation but there things that need to be ironed out. We are told that guys do not like clingy mopy women yet they put us in this position in the first place!!!! We fall in love with them, can't (and never will) understand them. It can be a bitter circle.
Do you love him? How would you feel if you two finished? Devasted? Could you live without him in your life (be it distant)?
Also, what do you do during the day, work? Do you have a circle of friends? That's not easy to come by. Start a hobby, join a club. But do get out their and get yourself a bit more of a life.
Take care and i wish you well. It is only a lonely planet if we make it that way ourselves.
xx
A
female
reader, gustavia  +, writes (13 November 2006):
I agree with eddie and you should also make an effort to expand your circle of friends. go out with other people; make new friends. sitting around and moping because your BF is out having a good time with his mates is no excuse for you to sit and wallow in self-pity. men don't find that attractive.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 November 2006):
 This is a difficult one. There is really only one way to do it and that is to actually stop being needy. I know, it's easier said than done. You'd probably be better of spending some time talking to a real therapist to find out what makes you this way. In this particular case, yo're afraid because he has a social life in your absence. In reality, what would you expect him to do? Would you expect him to live in a cage, except fot the weekends you're together. I think you know that is not realistic.
I know from experience that the needy, clingy one quite often feels if they're assertive, they risk the rejection from the partner. This leaves the needy one in somewhat of a subservient position. As you said, it gives all the power to the partner. If you continue down this road, you will continue to grow weaker and your partner will establish the opinion they are in control. It's not healthy for either of you.
Talk to somebody who can give you professional help. You've already realized there is an issue. That's the most important thing.
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